1<?xml version="1.0"?> 2<!DOCTYPE package PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Package//EN" 3 "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd"> 4<html> 5<head> 6<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" /> 7<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" /> 8<title>The Devil’s Dictionary: U</title> 9</head> 10<body lang="en-US"> 11 12 13<h1>U</h1> 14 15<p class="entry"><span class="def">ubiquity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The 16gift or power of being in all places at one time, but not in all places at all 17times, which is omnipresence, an attribute of God and the luminiferous ether 18only. This important distinction between ubiquity and omnipresence was not 19clear to the mediaeval Church and there was much bloodshed about it. Certain 20Lutherans, who affirmed the presence everywhere of Christ’s body were known as 21Ubiquitarians. For this error they were doubtless damned, for Christ’s body is 22present only in the eucharist, though that sacrament may be performed in more 23than one place simultaneously. In recent times ubiquity has not always been 24understood—not even by Sir Boyle Roche, for example, who held that a man cannot 25be in two places at once unless he is a bird.</p> 26 27<p class="entry"><span class="def">ugliness</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A 28gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without humility.</p> 29 30<p class="entry"><span class="def">ultimatum</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In 31diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions.</p> 32 33<p>Having received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish Ministry met to consider it.</p> 34 35<p>“O servant of the Prophet,” said the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk to the Mamoosh of the 36Invincible Army, “how many unconquerable soldiers have we in arms?”</p> 37 38<p>“Upholder of the Faith,” that dignitary replied after examining his memoranda, “they are in 39numbers as the leaves of the forest!”</p> 40 41<p>“And how many impenetrable battleships strike terror to the hearts of all Christian swine?” 42he asked the Imaum of the Ever Victorious Navy.</p> 43 44<p>“Uncle of the Full Moon,” was the reply, “deign to know that they are as the waves of the ocean, 45the sands of the desert and the stars of Heaven!”</p> 46 47<p>For eight hours the broad brow of the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk was corrugated with 48evidences of deep thought: he was calculating the chances of war. Then, “Sons 49of angels,” he said, “the die is cast! I shall suggest to the Ulema of the 50Imperial Ear that he advise inaction. In the name of Allah, the council is adjourned.”</p> 51 52<p class="entry"><span class="def">un-American</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Wicked, 53intolerable, heathenish.</p> 54 55<p class="entry"><span class="def">unction</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An 56oiling, or greasing. The rite of extreme unction consists in touching with oil 57consecrated by a bishop several parts of the body of one engaged in dying. Marbury 58relates that after the rite had been administered to a certain wicked English 59nobleman it was discovered that the oil had not been properly consecrated and 60no other could be obtained. When informed of this the sick man said in anger: </p> 61 62<p>“Then I’ll be damned if I die!”</p> 63 64<p>“My son,” said the priest, “this is what we fear.”</p> 65 66<p class="entry"><span class="def">understanding</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A 67cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house from a horse by 68the roof on the house. Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded by 69Locke, who rode a house, and Kant, who lived in a horse.</p> 70 71<div class="poem"> 72<p class="poetry">His understanding was so keen<br /> 73That all things which he’d felt, heard, seen,<br /> 74He could interpret without fail<br /> 75If he was in or out of jail.<br /> 76He wrote at Inspiration’s call<br /> 77Deep disquisitions on them all,<br /> 78Then, pent at last in an asylum,<br /> 79Performed the service to compile ‘em.<br /> 80So great a writer, all men swore,<br /> 81They never had not read before.</p> 82<p class="citeauth">Jorrock Wormley</p> 83</div> 84 85<p class="entry"><span class="def">Unitarian</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One 86who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian.</p> 87 88<p class="entry"><span class="def">universalist</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One 89who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith.</p> 90 91<p class="entry"><span class="def">urbanity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The 92kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to dwellers in all cities but New 93York. Its commonest expression is heard in the words, “I beg your pardon,” and 94it is not consistent with disregard of the rights of others.</p> 95 96<div class="poem"> 97<p class="poetry">The owner of a powder mill<br /> 98Was musing on a distant hill—<br /> 99Something his mind foreboded—<br /> 100When from the cloudless sky there fell<br /> 101A deviled human kidney! Well,<br /> 102The man’s mill had exploded.<br /> 103His hat he lifted from his head;<br /> 104“I beg your pardon, sir,” he said;<br /> 105“I didn’t know ‘twas loaded.”</p> 106<p class="citeauth">Swatkin</p> 107</div> 108 109<p class="entry"><span class="def">usage</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The First 110Person of the literary Trinity, the Second and Third being Custom and 111Conventionality. Imbued with a decent reverence for this Holy Triad an 112industrious writer may hope to produce books that will live as long as the fashion.</p> 113 114<p class="entry"><span class="def">uxoriousness</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A 115perverted affection that has strayed to one’s own wife.</p> 116 117</body> 118</html>