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<h1>P</h1>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">pain</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is
being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of
another.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">painting</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.</p>

<p>Formerly, painting and sculpture were combined in the same work: </p>

<p>the ancients painted their statues. The only present alliance between the two arts is that
the modern painter chisels his patrons.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">palace</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A fine
and costly residence, particularly that of a great official. The residence of a
high dignitary of the Christian Church is called a palace; that of the Founder
of his religion was known as a field, or wayside. There is progress.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">palm</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A species
of tree having several varieties, of which the familiar “itching palm” (<i>Palma
hominis</i>) is most widely distributed and sedulously cultivated. This noble
vegetable exudes a kind of invisible gum, which may be detected by applying to
the bark a piece of gold or silver. The metal will adhere with remarkable
tenacity. The fruit of the itching palm is so bitter and unsatisfying that a
considerable percentage of it is sometimes given away in what are known as
“benefactions.”</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">palmistry</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
947<sup>th</sup> method (according to Mimbleshaw’s classification) of obtaining
money by false pretences. It consists in “reading character” in the wrinkles
made by closing the hand. The pretence is not altogether false; character can
really be read very accurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand
submitted plainly spell the word “dupe.” The imposture consists in not reading
it aloud.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">pandemonium </span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Literally,
the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and
finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer. When
disturbed by his voice the ancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most
gratifying to his pride of distinction.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">pantaloons</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The garment is tubular and
unprovided with hinges at the points of flexion. Supposed to have been invented
by a humorist. Called “trousers” by the enlightened and “pants” by the
unworthy.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">pantheism</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
doctrine that everything is God, in contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">pantomime</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
play in which the story is told without violence to the language. The least
disagreeable form of dramatic action.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">pardon</span>, <span class="pos">v.</span> To
remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To add to the lure of crime
the temptation of ingratitude.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">passport</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as
an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">past</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> That part
of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable
acquaintance. A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary
period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the
one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark
with sorrow and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The
Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the one
crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential prayer; in
the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, beckoning to temples of
success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future
is the Past of to-morrow. They are one—the knowledge and the dream.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">pastime</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for intellectual debility.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">patience</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">patriot</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One to
whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The dupe of
statesmen and the tool of conquerors.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">patriotism</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Combustible
rubbish read to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.</p>

<p>In Dr. Johnson’s famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With
all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit
that it is the first.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">peace</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In
international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.</p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">O, what’s the loud uproar assailing</p>
<p class="poetry">Mine ears without cease?</p>
<p class="poetry">‘Tis the voice of the hopeful, all-hailing</p>
<p class="poetry">The horrors of peace.</p>
<p class="poetry">Ah, Peace Universal; they woo it—</p>
<p class="poetry">Would marry it, too.</p>
<p class="poetry">If only they knew how to do it</p>
<p class="poetry">‘Twere easy to do.</p>
<p class="poetry">They’re working by night and by day</p>
<p class="poetry">On their problem, like moles.</p>
<p class="poetry">Have mercy, O Heaven, I pray,</p>
<p class="poetry">On their meddlesome souls!</p>
<p class="citeauth">Ro Amil</p>
</div>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">pedestrian</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
variable (an audible) part of the roadway for an automobile.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">pedigree</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor with a swim bladder to an
urban descendant with a cigarette.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">penitentN</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Undergoing
or awaiting punishment.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">perfection</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
imaginary state of quality distinguished from the actual by an element known as
excellence; an attribute of the critic.</p>

<p class="indentpara">The editor of an English magazine having received a letter pointing out the erroneous nature of
his views and style, and signed “Perfection,” promptly wrote at the foot of the
letter: “I don’t agree with you,” and mailed it to Matthew Arnold.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">peripatetic</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Walking
about. Relating to the philosophy of Aristotle, who, while expounding it, moved
from place to place in order to avoid his pupil’s objections. A needless
precaution—they knew no more of the matter than he.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">peroration</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
explosion of an oratorical rocket. It dazzles, but to an observer having the
wrong kind of nose its most conspicuous peculiarity is the smell of the several
kinds of powder used in preparing it.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">perseverance</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.</p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">“Persevere, persevere!” cry the homilists all,<br />
Themselves, day and night, persevering to bawl.<br />
“Remember the fable of tortoise and hare—</p>
<p class="poetry">The one at the goal while the other is—where?”<br />
Why, back there in Dreamland, renewing his lease<br />
Of life, all his muscles preserving the peace,<br />
The goal and the rival forgotten alike,<br />
And the long fatigue of the needless hike.</p>
<p class="poetry">His spirit a-squat in the grass and the dew</p>
<p class="poetry">Of the dogless Land beyond the Stew,</p>
<p class="poetry">He sleeps, like a saint in a holy place,</p>
<p class="poetry">A winner of all that is good in a race.</p>
<p class="citeauth">Sukker Uffro</p>
</div>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">pessimism</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening
prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">philanthropist</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span>
A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while
his conscience is picking his pocket.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">philistine</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
whose mind is the creature of its environment, following the fashion in
thought, feeling and sentiment. He is sometimes learned, frequently prosperous,
commonly clean and always solemn.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">philosophy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">Phoenix</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The classical
prototype of the modern “small hot bird.”</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">phonograph</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">photograph</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. It is a little better
than the work of an Apache, but not quite so good as that of a Cheyenne.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">phrenology</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
science of picking the pocket through the scalp. It consists in locating and
exploiting the organ that one is a dupe with.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">physician</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">physiognomy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
art of determining the character of another by the resemblances and differences
between his face and our own, which is the standard of excellence.</p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">“There is no art,” says Shakespeare, foolish man,</p>
<p class="poetry">“To read the mind’s construction in the face.”</p>
<p class="poetry">The physiognomists his portrait scan,</p>
<p class="poetry">And say: “How little wisdom here we trace! He knew his face disclosed his mind and heart, So,
in his own defence, denied our art.”</p>
<p class="poetry">Lavatar Shunk</p>
</div>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">piano</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A parlor
utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by pressing the
keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">pickaninny</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
young of the <i>Procyanthropos</i>, or <i>Americanus dominans</i>. It is small, black and charged with political
fatalities.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">picture</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
representation in two dimensions of something wearisome in three.</p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">“Behold great Daubert’s picture here on view—</p>
<p class="poetry">Taken from Life.” If that description’s true, Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too.</p>
<p class="citeauth">Jali Hane</p>
</div>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">pie</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An advance
agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion.</p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">Cold pie was highly esteemed by the remains.</p>
<p class="poetry">Rev. Dr. Mucker</p>
<p class="poetry">(in a funeral sermon over a British nobleman)</p>
<p class="poetry">Cold pie is a detestable</p>
<p class="poetry">American comestible.</p>
<p class="poetry">That’s why I’m done—or undone—</p>
<p class="poetry">So far from that dear London.</p>
<p class="citeauth">(from the headstone of a British nobleman in Kalamazoo)</p>
</div>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">piety</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Reverence
for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed resemblance to man.</p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">The pig is taught by sermons and epistles<br />
To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles.</p>
<p class="citeauth">Judibras</p>
</div>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">pig</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An animal
(<i>Porcus omnivorus</i>) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and
vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks
at pig.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">pigmy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One of a
tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers in many parts of the world,
but by modern in Central Africa only. The Pigmies are so called to distinguish
them from the bulkier Caucasians&#8212;who are Hogmies.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">Pilgrim</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
traveler that is taken seriously. A Pilgrim Father was one who, leaving Europe
in 1620 because not permitted to sing psalms through his nose, followed it to
Massachusetts, where he could personate God according to the dictates of his
conscience.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">pillory</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction&#8212;prototype of the
modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere virtues and blameless lives.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">piracy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Commerce
without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">pitiful</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> The
state of an enemy of opponent after an imaginary encounter with oneself.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">pity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A failing
sense of exemption, inspired by contrast.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">plagiarism</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
literary coincidence compounded of a discreditable priority and an honorable subsequence.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">plagiarize</span>, <span class="pos">v.</span> To
take the thought or style of another writer whom one has never, never read.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">plague</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In
ancient times a general punishment of the innocent for admonition of their
ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh the Immune. The plague as we of
to-day have the happiness to know it is merely Nature’s fortuitous
manifestation of her purposeless objectionableness.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">plan</span>, <span class="pos">v.t.</span> To
bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result.</p>

<p id="platitude" class="entry"><span class="def">platitude</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
fundamental element and special glory of popular literature. A thought that
snores in words that smoke. The wisdom of a million fools in the diction of a
dullard. A fossil sentiment in artificial rock. A moral without the fable. All
that is mortal of a departed truth. A demi-tasse of milk-and-mortality. The
Pope’s-nose of a featherless peacock. A jelly-fish withering on the shore of
the sea of thought. The cackle surviving the egg. A desiccated epigram.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">platonic</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Pertaining
to the philosophy of Socrates. Platonic Love is a fool’s name for the affection
between a disability and a frost.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">plaudits</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Coins
with which the populace pays those who tickle and devour it.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">please</span>, <span class="pos">v.</span> To lay
the foundation for a superstructure of imposition.</p>

<p id="pleasure" class="entry"><span class="def">pleasure</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
least hateful form of dejection.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">plebeian</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained nothing but his hands. Distinguished
from the Patrician, who was a saturated solution.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">plebiscite</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">plenipotentiary,</span> <span class="pos">adj.</span> Having full power.
A Minister Plenipotentiary is a diplomatist possessing
absolute authority on condition that he never exert it.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">pleonasm</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
army of words escorting a corporal of thought.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">plow</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
implement that cries aloud for hands accustomed to the pen.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">plunder</span>, <span class="pos">v.</span> To
take the property of another without observing the decent and customary
reticences of theft. To effect a change of ownership with the candid
concomitance of a brass band. To wrest the wealth of A from B and leave C
lamenting a vanishing opportunity.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">pocket</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
cradle of motive and the grave of conscience. In woman this organ is lacking;
so she acts without motive, and her conscience, denied burial, remains ever
alive, confessing the sins of others.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">poetry</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A form
of expression peculiar to the Land beyond the Magazines.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">poker</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A game
said to be played with cards for some purpose to this lexicographer unknown.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">police</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
armed force for protection and participation.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">politeness</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
most acceptable hypocrisy.</p>

<p id="politics" class="entry"><span class="def">politics</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of
public affairs for private advantage.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">politician</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society
is reared. When we wriggles he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the
trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the
disadvantage of being alive.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">polygamy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fitted with several stools of
repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, which has but one.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">populist</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
fossil patriot of the early agricultural period, found in the old red soapstone
underlying Kansas; characterized by an uncommon spread of ear, which some
naturalists contend gave him the power of flight, though Professors Morse and
Whitney, pursuing independent lines of thought, have ingeniously pointed out
that had he possessed it he would have gone elsewhere. In the picturesque
speech of his period, some fragments of which have come down to us, he was
known as “The Matter with Kansas.”</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">portable</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Exposed
to a mutable ownership through vicissitudes of possession.</p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">His light estate, if neither he did make it<br />
Nor yet its former guardian forsake it,<br />
Is portable improperly, I take it.</p>
<p class="citeauth">Worgum Slupsky</p>
</div>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">Portuguese</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span>pl. A
species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They are mostly without feathers and
imperfectly edible, even when stuffed with garlic.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">positive</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Mistaken
at the top of one’s voice.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">positivism</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and affirms our ignorance of
the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, its broadest Mill and its thickest
Spencer.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">posterity</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
appellate court which reverses the judgment of a popular author’s
contemporaries, the appellant being his obscure competitor.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">potable</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Suitable
for drinking. Water is said to be potable; indeed, some declare it our natural
beverage, although even they find it palatable only when suffering from the
recurrent disorder known as thirst, for which it is a medicine. Upon nothing
has so great and diligent ingenuity been brought to bear in all ages and in all
countries, except the most uncivilized, as upon the invention of substitutes
for water. To hold that this general aversion to that liquid has no basis in
the preservative instinct of the race is to be unscientific—and without science
we are as the snakes and toads.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">poverty</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A file
provided for the teeth of the rats of reform. The number of plans for its
abolition equals that of the reformers who suffer from it, plus that of the
philosophers who know nothing about it. Its victims are distinguished by
possession of all the virtues and by their faith in leaders seeking to conduct
them into a prosperity where they believe these to be unknown.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">pray</span>, <span class="pos">v.</span> To ask
that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner
confessedly unworthy.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">Pre-Adamite</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
of an experimental and apparently unsatisfactory race of antedated Creation and
lived under conditions not easily conceived. Melsius believed them to have
inhabited “the Void” and to have been something intermediate between fishes and
birds. Little its known of them beyond the fact that they supplied Cain with a
wife and theologians with a controversy.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">precedent</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In
Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in the absence of a definite
statute, has whatever force and authority a Judge may choose to give it,
thereby greatly simplifying his task of doing as he pleases. As there are
precedents for everything, he has only to ignore those that make against his
interest and accentuate those in the line of his desire. Invention of the
precedent elevates the trial-at-law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal
to the noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">precipitate</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Anteprandial.</p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">Precipitate in all, this sinner</p>
<p class="poetry">Took action first, and then his dinner.</p>
<p class="citeauth">Judibras</p>
</div>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">predestination</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span>
The doctrine that all things occur according to programme. This doctrine should
not be confused with that of foreordination, which means that all things are
programmed, but does not affirm their occurrence, that being only an
implication from other doctrines by which this is entailed. The difference is
great enough to have deluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore. With
the distinction of the two doctrines kept well in mind, and a reverent belief
in both, one may hope to escape perdition if spared.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">predicament</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
wage of consistency.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">predilection</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
preparatory stage of disillusion.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">pre-existence</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
unnoted factor in creation.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">preference</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the erroneous belief that one thing is
better than another.</p>

<p>An ancient philosopher, expounding his conviction that life is no better than death, was
asked by a disciple why, then, he did not die. “Because,” he replied, “death is
no better than life.” It is longer.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">prehistoric</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Belonging
to an early period and a museum. </p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood.</p>
<p class="poetry">He lived in a period prehistoric,</p>
<p class="poetry">When all was absurd and phantasmagoric.</p>
<p class="poetry">Born later, when Clio, celestial recorded,</p>
<p class="poetry">Set down great events in succession and order,</p>
<p class="poetry">He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous</p>
<p class="poetry">In anything here but the lies that she threw at us.</p>
<p class="citeauth">Orpheus Bowen</p>
</div>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">prejudice</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
vagrant opinion without visible means of support.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">prelate</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
church officer having a superior degree of holiness and a fat preferment. One
of Heaven’s aristocracy. A gentleman of God.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">prerogative</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
sovereign’s right to do wrong.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">Presbyterian</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One
who holds the conviction that the government authorities of the Church should
be called presbyters.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">prescription</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
physician’s guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">present</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> That
part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">presentable</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span> Hideously
appareled after the manner of the time and place.</p>

<p>In Boorioboola-Gha a man is presentable on occasions of ceremony if he have his abdomen painted a
bright blue and wear a cow’s tail; in New York he may, if it please him, omit
the paint, but after sunset he must wear two tails made of the wool of a sheep
and dyed black.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">preside</span>, <span class="pos">v.</span> To
guide the action of a deliberative body to a desirable result. In Journalese,
to perform upon a musical instrument; as, “He presided at the piccolo.”</p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">The Headliner, holding the copy in hand,</p>
<p class="poetry">Read with a solemn face:</p>
<p class="poetry">“The music was very uncommonly grand—</p>
<p class="poetry">The best that was every provided,</p>
<p class="poetry">For our townsman Brown presided</p>
<p class="poetry">At the organ with skill and grace.”</p>
<p class="poetry">The Headliner discontinued to read,</p>
<p class="poetry">And, spread the paper down</p>
<p class="poetry">On the desk, he dashed in at the top of the screed:</p>
<p class="poetry">“Great playing by President Brown.”</p>
<p class="citeauth">Orpheus Bowen</p>
</div>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">presidency</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
greased pig in the field game of American politics.</p>

<p id="president" class="entry"><span class="def">president</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
leading figure in a small group of men of whom—and of whom only—it is
positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of
them for President.</p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">If that’s an honor surely ‘tis a greater<br />
To have been a simple and undamned spectator.</p>
<p class="poetry">Behold in me a man of mark and note</p>
<p class="poetry">Whom no elector e’er denied a vote!&#8212;</p>
<p class="poetry">An undiscredited, unhooted gent</p>
<p class="poetry">Who might, for all we know, be President</p>
<p class="poetry">By acclimation. Cheer, ye varlets, cheer—</p>
<p class="poetry">I’m passing with a wide and open ear!</p>
<p class="citeauth">Jonathan Fomry</p>
</div>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">prevaricator</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
liar in the caterpillar estate.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">price</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Value,
plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">primate</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
head of a church, especially a State church supported by involuntary
contributions. The Primate of England is the Archbishop of Canterbury, an
amiable old gentleman, who occupies Lambeth Palace when living and Westminster
Abbey when dead. He is commonly dead.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">prisonu</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A place
of punishments and rewards. The poet assures us that—</p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">“Stone walls do not a prison make,”</p>
<p class="poetry">but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite and the moral instructor is no garden
of sweets.</p>
</div>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">private</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
military gentleman with a field-marshal’s baton in his knapsack and an
impediment in his hope.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">proboscis</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the
knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. For purposes of humor it
is popularly called a trunk.</p>

<p>Asked how he knew that an elephant was going on a journey, the illustrious Jo. Miller cast a
reproachful look upon his tormentor, and answered, absently: “When it is ajar,”
and threw himself from a high promontory into the sea. Thus perished in his
pride the most famous humorist of antiquity, leaving to mankind a heritage of
woe! No successor worthy of the title has appeared, though Mr. Edward bok, of <i>The Ladies’ Home Journal</i>, is much
respected for the purity and sweetness of his personal character.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">projectile</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
final arbiter in international disputes. Formerly these disputes were settled
by physical contact of the disputants, with such simple arguments as the
rudimentary logic of the times could supply—the sword, the spear, and so forth.
With the growth of prudence in military affairs the projectile came more and
more into favor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous. Its
capital defect is that it requires personal attendance at the point of
propulsion.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">proof</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Evidence
having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testimony of two
credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">proof-reader</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A
malefactor who atones for making your writing nonsense by permitting the
compositor to make it unintelligible.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">property</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> Any
material thing, having no particular value, that may be held by A against the
cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the passion for possession in one and
disappoints it in all others. The object of man’s brief rapacity and long indifference.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">prophecy</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> The
art and practice of selling one’s credibility for future delivery.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">prospect</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
outlook, usually forbidding. An expectation, usually forbidden.</p>

<div class="poem">
<p class="poetry">Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes—</p>
<p class="poetry">O’er Ceylon blow your breath,</p>
<p class="poetry">Where every prospect pleases,</p>
<p class="poetry">Save only that of death.</p>
<p class="citeauth">Bishop Sheber</p>
</div>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">providential</span>, <span class="pos">adj.</span>
Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the person so describing it.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">prude</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A bawd
hiding behind the back of her demeanor.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">publish</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> In
literary affairs, to become the fundamental element in a cone of critics.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">push</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> One of
the two things mainly conducive to success, especially in politics. The other is Pull.</p>

<p class="entry"><span class="def">pyrrhonism</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> An
ancient philosophy, named for its inventor. It consisted of an absolute
disbelief in everything but Pyrrhonism. Its modern professors have added that.</p>

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