1<?xml version="1.0"?> 2<!DOCTYPE package PUBLIC "+//ISBN 0-9673008-1-9//DTD OEB 1.0 Package//EN" 3 "http://openebook.org/dtds/oeb-1.0/oebdoc1.dtd"> 4<html> 5<head> 6<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/x-oeb1-document; charset=utf-8" /> 7<link rel="stylesheet" type="text/x-oeb1-css" href="devil.css" /> 8<title>The Devil’s Dictionary: K</title> 9</head> 10<body lang="en-US"> 11 12 13<h1>K</h1> 14 15<p class="firstpara">K is a consonant that we get from the Greeks, but it can be traced away back beyond them to the 16Cerathians, a small commercial nation inhabiting the peninsula of Smero. In 17their tongue it was called <i>Klatch</i>, which means “destroyed.” The form of the letter was originally precisely that 18of our H, but the erudite Dr. Snedeker explains that it was altered to its 19present shape to commemorate the destruction of the great temple of Jarute by 20an earthquake, <i>circa</i> 730 B.C. This building was famous for the two lofty columns of its portico, one of which was 21broken in half by the catastrophe, the other remaining intact. As the earlier 22form of the letter is supposed to have been suggested by these pillars, so, it 23is thought by the great antiquary, its later was adopted as a simple and 24natural—not to say touching—means of keeping the calamity ever in the national 25memory. It is not known if the name of the letter was altered as an additional 26mnemonic, or if the name was always <i>Klatch</i> and the destruction one of nature’s pums. As each theory seems probable enough, 27I see no objection to believing both—and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himself on that side of the question.</p> 28 29<p class="entry"><span class="def">keep</span>, <span class="pos">v.t.</span></p> 30 31<div class="poem"> 32<p class="poetry">He willed away his whole estate,</p> 33<p class="poetry">And then in death he fell asleep,</p> 34<p class="poetry">Murmuring: “Well, at any rate,</p> 35<p class="poetry">My name unblemished I shall keep.”</p> 36<p class="poetry">But when upon the tomb ‘twas wrought Whose was it?—for the dead keep naught.</p> 37<p class="citeauth">Durang Gophel Arn</p> 38</div> 39 40<p class="entry"><span class="def">kill</span>, <span class="pos">v.t.</span> To 41create a vacancy without nominating a successor.</p> 42 43<p class="entry"><span class="def">kilt</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A costume 44sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland.</p> 45 46<p class="entry"><span class="def">kindness</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A 47brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.</p> 48 49<p id="king" class="entry"><span class="def">king</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A male 50person commonly known in America as a “crowned head,” although he never wears a 51crown and has usually no head to speak of.</p> 52 53<div class="poem"> 54<p class="poetry">A king, in times long, long gone by,</p> 55<p class="poetry">Said to his lazy jester:</p> 56<p class="poetry">“If I were you and you were I</p> 57<p class="poetry">My moments merrily would fly—</p> 58<p class="poetry">Nor care nor grief to pester.”</p> 59<p class="poetry">“The reason, Sire, that you would thrive,”</p> 60<p class="poetry">The fool said—“if you’ll hear it—</p> 61<p class="poetry">Is that of all the fools alive</p> 62<p class="poetry">Who own you for their sovereign, I’ve</p> 63<p class="poetry">The most forgiving spirit.”</p> 64<p class="citeauth">Oogum Bem</p> 65</div> 66 67<p class="entry"><span class="def">King’s Evil</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A 68malady that was formerly cured by the touch of the sovereign, but has now to be 69treated by the physicians. Thus ‘the most pious Edward” of England used to lay 70his royal hand upon the ailing subjects and make them whole—</p> 71 72<div class="poem"> 73<p class="poetry">a crowd of wretched souls</p> 74<p class="poetry">That stay his cure: their malady convinces</p> 75<p class="poetry">The great essay of art; but at his touch,</p> 76<p class="poetry">Such sanctity hath Heaven given his hand,</p> 77<p class="poetry">They presently amend,</p> 78<p class="poetry">as the “Doctor” in <i>Macbeth</i> hath it. This useful property of the </p> 79<p class="poetry">royal hand could, it appears, be transmitted along with other crown </p> 80<p class="poetry">properties; for according to “Malcolm,”</p> 81<p class="poetry">‘tis spoken To the succeeding royalty he leaves The healing benediction.</p> 82<p class="poetry">But the gift somewhere dropped out of the line of succession: the later sovereigns of 83England have not been tactual healers, and the disease once honored with the 84name “king’s evil” now bears the humbler one of “scrofula,” from <i>scrofa</i>, a sow. The date and author of the 85following epigram are known only to the author of this dictionary, but it is 86old enough to show that the jest about Scotland’s national disorder is not a 87thing of yesterday.</p> 88<p class="poetry">Ye Kynge his evill in me laye,</p> 89<p class="poetry">Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye.</p> 90<p class="poetry">He layde his hand on mine and sayd:</p> 91<p class="poetry">“Be gone!” Ye ill no longer stayd.</p> 92<p class="poetry">But O ye wofull plyght in wh.</p> 93<p class="poetry">I’m now y-pight: I have ye itche!</p> 94<p class="poetry">The superstitionth at maladies can be cured by royal taction is </p> 95<p class="poetry">dead, but like many a departed conviction it has left a monument of </p> 96<p class="poetry">custom to keep its memory green. The practice of forming a line and </p> 97<p class="poetry">shaking the President’s hand had no other origin, and when that great </p> 98<p class="poetry">dignitary bestows his healing salutation on</p> 99<p class="poetry">strangely visited people,</p> 100<p class="poetry">All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye,</p> 101<p class="poetry">The mere despair of surgery,</p> 102<p class="poetry">he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch which once was kindled at the 103altar-fire of a faith long held by all classes of men. It is a beautiful and 104edifying “survival”—one which brings the sainted past close home in our “business and bosoms.”</p> 105</div> 106 107<p class="entry"><span class="def">kiss</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A word 108invented by the poets as a rhyme for “bliss.” It is supposed to signify, in a 109general way, some kind of rite or ceremony appertaining to a good 110understanding; but the manner of its performance is unknown to this lexicographer.</p> 111 112<p class="entry"><span class="def">kleptomaniac</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A 113rich thief.</p> 114 115<p class="entry"><span class="def">knight</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span></p> 116 117<div class="poem"> 118<p class="poetry">Once a warrior gentle of birth,</p> 119<p class="poetry">Then a person of civic worth,</p> 120<p class="poetry">Now a fellow to move our mirth.</p> 121<p class="poetry">Warrior, person, and fellow—no more:</p> 122<p class="poetry">We must knight our dogs to get any lower.</p> 123<p class="poetry">Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be,</p> 124<p class="poetry">Noble Knights of the Golden Flea,</p> 125<p class="poetry">Knights of the Order of St. Steboy,</p> 126<p class="poetry">Knights of St. Gorge and Sir Knights Jawy.</p> 127<p class="poetry">God speed the day when this knighting fad</p> 128<p class="poetry">Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad.</p> 129</div> 130 131<p class="entry"><span class="def">Koran</span>, <span class="pos">n.</span> A book 132which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine 133inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory 134to the Holy Scriptures.</p> 135 136</body> 137</html>