1!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH 2% 3(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. 4(2) Great generals are forewarned. 5(3) Forewarned is forearmed. 6(4) Four is an even number. 7(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 8(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 9 10Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. 11% 12(1) Everything depends. 13(2) Nothing is always. 14(3) Everything is sometimes. 15% 161.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's 17the law! 18% 1910.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. 20% 21100 buckets of bits on the bus 22100 buckets of bits 23Take one down, short it to ground 24FF buckets of bits on the bus 25 26FF buckets of bits on the bus 27FF buckets of bits 28Take one down, short it to ground 29FE buckets of bits on the bus 30 31ad infinitum... 32% 33$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at 34which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. 35 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 36% 37101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR 38 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes 39 (2) Dead cat brush 40 (3) Hair barrettes 41 (4) Cleats 42 (5) Self-piercing earrings 43 (6) Fungus trellis 44 (7) False eyelashes 45 (8) Prosthetic dog claws 46 . 47 . 48 . 49 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) 50 (100) Killer velcro 51 (101) Currency 52% 53186,282 miles per second: 54 55It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! 56% 572180, U.S. History question: 58 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what 59office did he later hold? 60% 61$3,000,000 62% 63355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible 64simulation! 65% 663 syncs represent the trinity -- init, the child and the eternal zombie 67process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such 68traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find 69ourselves in. 70 -- Jordan K. Hubbard 71% 7243rd Law of Computing: 73 Anything that can go wr 74fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped 75% 7677. HO HUM -- The Redundant 77 78------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme 79--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife 80------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working 81---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop the 82---X--- (9) GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to 83--- --- (8) nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. 84 85Nine in the second place means: 86 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. 87 88Six in the third place means: 89 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue 90 Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! 91% 927:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 93 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National 94 Redwood Forest. 95% 967:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 97 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the 98 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. 99% 10099 blocks of crud on the disk, 10199 blocks of crud! 102You patch a bug, and dump it again: 103100 blocks of crud on the disk! 104 105100 blocks of crud on the disk, 106100 blocks of crud! 107You patch a bug, and dump it again: 108101 blocks of crud on the disk! ... 109% 110A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a 111"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. 112 -- Mahatma Gandhi 113% 114A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. 115Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific 116game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have 117traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, 118preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass. 119 -- Donald A. Metz 120% 121A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and 122placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or 123rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results 124from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball 125and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the 126ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical 127phenomena. 128 -- Donald A. Metz 129% 130A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no 131responsibility at the other. 132% 133A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. 134 -- Carl Sandburg 135% 136A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out 137of a divorce. 138 -- Don Quinn 139% 140A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining 141and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. 142 -- Mark Twain 143% 144A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it 145adds up to be real money. 146 -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen 147% 148A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. 149% 150A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. 151% 152A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. 153% 154... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you 155have turned into a pile of dust. 156% 157A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have 158enlightened him with ours. 159% 160A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well 161as afterward. 162% 163A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the 164poor to protect them from each other. 165% 166A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. 167% 168A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not 169mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty 170trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. 171 -- Dave Barry 172% 173A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five. 174% 175A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. 176Avoid him. He's a Commie. 177% 178A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but 179won't cross the street to vote in a national election. 180 -- Bill Vaughan 181% 182A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. 183 -- Herbert Prochnow 184% 185A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody 186wants to read. 187 -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature" 188% 189A closed mouth gathers no foot. 190% 191A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. 192% 193A CONS is an object which cares. 194 -- Bernie Greenberg 195% 196A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it 197is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. 198% 199A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. 200 -- Dyer 201% 202A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the 203damned things is ample. 204 -- Rebecca West 205% 206A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. 207 -- Ben Franklin 208% 209A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen 210lantern. 211 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 212% 213A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? 214% 215A day without sunshine is like night. 216% 217A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur 218coat. 219% 220A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that 221you will look forward to the trip. 222% 223 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was 224eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality 225test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." 226 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into 227the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". 228% 229A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ... 230% 231 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing 232about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their 233arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon 234the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because 235Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply 236incredible surgical feat." 237 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the 238Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of 239that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an 240architect." 241 The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, 242"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" 243% 244A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. 245 -- Ogden Nash 246% 247A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a 248Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. 249Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network 250with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the 251Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly 252pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while 253simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick 254Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. 255% 256A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the 257subject. 258 -- Winston Churchill 259% 260A fool must now and then be right by chance. 261% 262A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into 263superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. 264 -- G. B. Shaw 265% 266A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block 267of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an 268elephant. 269% 270A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. 271 -- D. Gries 272% 273A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch 274dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension. 275 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature" 276% 277A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. 278 -- Adlai Stevenson 279% 280A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than 281he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men 282favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter 283facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. 284 -- H. L. Mencken 285% 286A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding 287ducks. 288 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 289% 290A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. 291A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. 292But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*. 293 -- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" 294% 295A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort 296of). 297% 298A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened 299into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the 300hope of greening the landscape of idea. 301 -- John Ciardi 302% 303A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely 304rearranging their prejudices. 305 -- William James 306% 307A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest 308man a century. 309% 310A hypothetical paradox: 311 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security 312team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of 313Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? 314 -- Tom Galloway 315% 316A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. 317C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. 318E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. 319G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. 320I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. 321K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. 322M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of ennui. 323O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl 324Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. 325S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits. 326U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. 327W is for Winnie, embedded in ice, X is for Xerxes, devoured by mice. 328Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin. 329 -- Edward Gorey "The Gashlycrumb Tinies" 330% 331A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 332% 333A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. 334 -- Robert Frost 335% 336A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. 337% 338A lady with one of her ears applied 339To an open keyhole heard, inside, 340Two female gossips in converse free -- 341The subject engaging them was she. 342"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks 343That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" 344As soon as no more of it she could hear 345The lady, indignant, removed her ear. 346"I will not stay," she said with a pout, 347"To hear my character lied about!" 348 -- Gopete Sherany 349% 350A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is 351not worth knowing. 352% 353A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program 354in than some that do. 355 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 356% 357A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work 358by being declared to work. 359 -- Anatol Holt 360% 361A Law of Computer Programming: 362 Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you 363will find the programmers cannot write in English. 364% 365A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of 366nothing. 367 -- Alan Perlis 368% 369A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. 370 -- H. H. Munroe, "Saki" 371% 372A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. 373% 374A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any 375price. 376% 377A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in 378his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and 379exceptional ability in that particular field." 380% 381A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. 382 -- Steve Wright 383% 384A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I 385believe everything positively stinks. 386 -- Lew Col 387% 388 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The 389first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. 390 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow 391and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." 392 "But the collar is up around my ears!" 393 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a 394little more ... that's it." 395 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. 396 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you 397go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." 398 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the 399street. Reba and Florence see him go by. 400 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" 401 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." 402 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 403% 404A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" 405 406"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a 407sense of obligation." 408 -- Stephen Crane 409% 410A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. 411% 412 A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his 413novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how 414insignificant," said the master. 415 416 "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. 417 418 "It is," came the reply. 419 420 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. 421 422 "It is even in a video game," said the master. 423 424 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" 425 426 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The 427lesson is over for today," he said. 428 -- "The Tao of Programming" 429% 430A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. 431% 432A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed 433on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new 434game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the 435pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly 436along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their 437heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn 438around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite 439direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the 440paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin 441colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins 442fall over gently onto their backs. 443 444 -- Audubon Society Magazine 445 446 447[From the BBC, 2001-02-02: 448 For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS) 449monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as Lynx 450helicopters passed overhead. 451 "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over," 452said team leader Dr. Richard Stone. 453 "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped 454calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated 455with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct, 456really." 457 The conclusion, said Dr. Stone, is that flights over 305 metres 458(1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" on 459king penguins.] 460% 461 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at 462the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the 463pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite 464nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..." 465 "If what?" asked the composer. 466 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" 467% 468A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out 469on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed 470loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom 471do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" 472% 473A new koan: 474 475 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. 476 477 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. 478 479It is an ice cream koan. 480% 481A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. 482Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now 483has no excuse for further procrastination. 484% 485A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies 486insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the 487right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. 488% 489A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the 490rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. 491% 492 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which 493removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to 494doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous 495amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware 496limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the 497larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient 498power-down sequence. 499 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the 500building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has 501bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer 502cool. 503% 504A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power 505off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly: 506"You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no 507understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off 508and on. The machine worked. 509% 510A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. 511% 512A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. 513 -- Gloria Steinem 514% 515A penny saved is ridiculous. 516% 517A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry. 518% 519A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. 520 -- George Wald 521% 522A pig is a jolly companion, 523Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- 524A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, 525Though mountains may topple and tilt. 526When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, 527When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, 528Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, 529You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, 530You'll never go wrong with a pig! 531 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 532% 533 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling 534 by Mark Twain 535 536 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped 537to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer 538be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained 539would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 540might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the 541same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with 542"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. 543 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear 544with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 545or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. 546Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi 547ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz 548ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. 549 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud 550hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. 551% 552A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil! 553 -- The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra" 554% 555A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? 556 557And the Master answered: 558 559It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. 560 561It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. 562 563It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City 564upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come 565to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. 566 567And that is Fate? said the priest. 568 569Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. 570 571That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was 572too. 573 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 574% 575 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came 576upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. 577"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow 578man". 579 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, 580he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." 581% 582A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. 583% 584A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis 585of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite 586series of incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric 587precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from 588inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical 589accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality 590for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly 591defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the 592information in the first place. 593 -- IEEE Grid news magazine 594% 595A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that 596your wife will give you for free. 597% 598A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be 599too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which 600was intended for her preservation. 601 -- Colton 602% 603A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as 604"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if 605the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants 606to make a travesty of the game. 607 -- Donald A. Metz 608% 609A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked 610out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon. 611 -- Steel City News 612% 613A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives. 614% 615A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20: 616 617Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, 618"Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny 619bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the 620lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and 621breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the 622Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of 623the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt 624thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then 625proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being 626the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand 627Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, 628shall snuff it." 629 -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" 630% 631A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices 632that the system works. 633% 634A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and 635the real reason. 636% 637A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen 638objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer 639scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added 640concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three 641dimensional objects ... 642% 643A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may 644not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized 645rosewater. 646% 647A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man 648contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. 649 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 650% 651A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will 652keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those 653that are worth committing. 654 -- Samuel Butler 655% 656 A Severe Strain on the Credulity 657 658As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest 659parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket 660is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one 661considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one 662begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really 663starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor 664maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left. 665Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing 666of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to 667re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum 668against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the 669knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. 670 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 671% 672A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard. 673 -- Prof. Steiner 674% 675... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he 676was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. 677 -- Mark Twain 678% 679A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. 680 -- O'Henry 681% 682A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many 683bad measures. 684 -- Daniel Webster 685% 686A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an 687exam. 688% 689A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to 690Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it 691true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as 692Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt 693shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick. 694% 695A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something 696undreamed of by its author. 697 -- S. C. Johnson 698% 699A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over 700Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the 701other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing 702new versions of their own innards! 703 -- Michael O'Brien 704% 705A tautology is a thing which is tautological. 706% 707A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, 708and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. 709 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 710% 711A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by 712blowing first. 713% 714A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene 715triangle. 716% 717A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 718% 719A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest 720in students. 721 -- John Ciardi 722% 723A University without students is like an ointment without a fly. 724 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin 725% 726A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature 727replaces it with. 728 -- Tennessee Williams 729% 730A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without 731getting nervous. 732% 733A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets 734people's attention. 735% 736A witty saying proves nothing. 737 -- Voltaire 738% 739A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to 740admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact 741remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one 742reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It 743is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of 744using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these 745matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times. 746 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII 747% 748A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. 749% 750A.A.A.A.A.: 751 An organization for drunks who drive 752% 753AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! 754You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! 755% 756Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. 757% 758About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. 759 -- Herbert Hoover 760% 761Absence makes the heart go wander. 762% 763Absent, adj.: 764 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; 765slandered. 766% 767Absentee, n.: 768 A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove 769himself from the sphere of exaction. 770 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 771% 772Abstainer, n.: 773 A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a 774pleasure. 775 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 776% 777Absurdity, n.: 778 A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own 779opinion. 780 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 781% 782Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, 783because the stakes are so low. 784 -- Wallace Sayre 785% 786Accident, n.: 787 A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of 788body is better. 789 -- Foolish Dictionary 790% 791Accidents cause History. 792 793If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the 794Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not 795have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil 796could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and 797the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. 798 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 799% 800According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person 801shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than 802fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening 803of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of 804the returns." 805% 806According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least 807once a year. 808% 809According to my best recollection, I don't remember. 810 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo 811% 812According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are 813totally worthless. 814% 815According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never 816dies. 817% 818According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to 819live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came 820in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. 821Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime. 822 -- David Letterman 823% 824Accordion, n.: 825 A bagpipe with pleats. 826% 827Accuracy, n.: 828 The vice of being right. 829% 830 ACHTUNG!!! 831 832Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy 833schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit 834spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das 835rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und 836vatch das blinkenlights!!! 837% 838Acid -- better living through chemistry. 839% 840Acid absorbs 47 times its weight in excess Reality. 841% 842Acquaintance, n.: 843 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well 844enough to lend to. 845 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 846% 847Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. 848% 849Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had 850 everyone glued in their seats!" 851Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of 852 it!" 853% 854Actor: So what do you do for a living? 855Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving 856 dishes for Chinese restaurants. 857 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 858% 859Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families. 860% 861ADA, n.: 862 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in 863Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA 864awareness." 865 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 866% 867Admiration, n.: 868 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. 869 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 870% 871Adolescence, n.: 872 The stage between puberty and adultery. 873% 874Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look 875like you ... 876 -- Gilda Radner 877% 878Adore, v.: 879 To venerate expectantly. 880 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 881% 882Adult, n.: 883 One old enough to know better. 884% 885Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest 886way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. 887 -- Sinclair Lewis 888% 889Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic, 890then at least be aseptic. 891% 892After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose 893names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary 894Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted 895many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi 896Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two 897different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current 898developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer 899attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led 900to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, 901skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously 902injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it 903hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact 904that it sinks like a stone. 905 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 906% 907After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. 908It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life 909more advanced than the lichen family. 910 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" 911% 912After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. 913% 914... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known 915quotations. 916 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare 917% 918After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not 919for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have 920simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. 921 -- P. J. O'Rourke 922% 923After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found 924on the bench. 925% 926 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from 927Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, 928and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon 929to be created." 930 "This is true," He replied. 931 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. 932 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the 933right to make his laws?" 934 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to 935make his own." 936 It was so granted. 937 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 938% 939After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of 940the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the 941cost to others, to win advancement. 942 -- Norman Thomas 943% 944After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? 945% 946After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe 947everything. Just in case. 948% 949After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access 950cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been 951removed. 952% 953Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a 954change. 955% 956Afternoon, n.: 957 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the 958morning. 959% 960Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. 961 -- Dorothy Parker 962% 963Age, n.: 964 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we 965still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise 966to commit. 967 -- Ambrose Bierce 968% 969Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball. 970% 971Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, 972there's the rub. 973 974For all dreams are not equal, 975some exit to nightmare 976most end with the dreamer 977 978But at least one must be lived ... and died. 979% 980Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the 981Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact 982that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately 983unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep 984up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers. 985 -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic 986% 987Air is water with holes in it. 988% 989Alas, I am dying beyond my means. 990 -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed 991% 992Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire 993telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New 994York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? 995And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they 996receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." 997% 998Alden's Laws: 999 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause 1000 of pregnancy. 1001 (2) Always be backlit. 1002 (3) Sit down whenever possible. 1003% 1004Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, 1005Aleph-null bottles of beer, 1006 You take one down, and pass it around, 1007Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. 1008% 1009Alex Haley was adopted! 1010% 1011Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting 1012for a dial tone. 1013% 1014Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of 1015them keeps paying for it. 1016 -- Peggy Joyce 1017% 1018All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent 1019upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a 1020visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is 1021informing, stimulating and ennobling. 1022 -- H. L. Mencken 1023% 1024All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely 1025than others. 1026 -- Alan Truscott 1027% 1028All extremists should be taken out and shot. 1029% 1030All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing 1031without thinking. 1032% 1033"All flesh is grass" 1034 -- Isaiah 1035Smoke a friend today. 1036% 1037All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 1038% 1039All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own 1040importance. 1041% 1042All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled 1043by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ... 1044% 1045All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. 1046 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 1047% 1048All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are 1049Socrates. 1050 -- Woody Allen 1051% 1052All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane. 1053% 1054All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more 1055specific. 1056 -- Jane Wagner 1057% 1058All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. 1059 -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr. 1060% 1061All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of 1062the United States. 1063 -- Vic Gold 1064% 1065All power corrupts, but we need electricity. 1066% 1067All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. 1068% 1069All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of 1070every organism to live beyond its income. 1071 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" 1072% 1073All science is either physics or stamp collecting. 1074 -- Ernest Rutherford 1075% 1076All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right 1077hands. 1078 -- Saint Patrick 1079% 1080All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism. 1081% 1082All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, 1083too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you 1084subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you 1085can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. 1086Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax 1087decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What 1088if it rains?" 1089 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 1090% 1091... all the modern inconveniences ... 1092 -- Mark Twain 1093% 1094All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most 1095ridiculous ones. 1096 -- La Rochefoucauld 1097% 1098All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by 1099the government in less than a second. 1100 -- Jim Fiebig 1101% 1102All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. 1103 -- Sean O'Casey 1104% 1105All the world's a VAX, 1106And all the coders merely butchers; 1107They have their exits and their entrails; 1108And one int in his time plays many widths, 1109His sizeof being _N bytes. At first the infant, 1110Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. 1111And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, 1112And shining morning face, creeping like slug 1113Unwillingly to school. 1114 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 1115% 1116All theoretical chemistry is really physics; 1117and all theoretical chemists know it. 1118 -- Richard P. Feynman 1119% 1120All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door. 1121% 1122All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for 1123fun. Money's just the way we keep score. 1124 -- Henry Tyroon 1125% 1126All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. 1127% 1128All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes 1129infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in 1130which he was born. 1131 -- Francois Fenelon 1132% 1133Alliance, n.: 1134 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have 1135their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot 1136separately plunder a third. 1137 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1138% 1139Alone, adj.: 1140 In bad company. 1141 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1142% 1143Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight 1144Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. 1145 -- Dave Barry 1146% 1147Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away. 1148% 1149Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, 1150mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have 1151any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place 1152to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, 1153Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a 1154serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the 1155same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely 1156that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A 1157penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job 1158running the post office. 1159 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 1160% 1161Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been 1162reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the 1163day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable 1164interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on 1165pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, 1166and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper. 1167Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous 1168material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the 1169management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion 1170the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical 1171Gamekeeping." 1172 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959) 1173% 1174Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid 1175back. 1176% 1177Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. 1178% 1179Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing 1180that way. 1181% 1182Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves. 1183% 1184 AMAZING BUT TRUE ... 1185 1186If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end 1187across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. 1188% 1189 AMAZING BUT TRUE ... 1190 1191There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it 1192would completely cover the Sahara Desert. 1193% 1194Ambidextrous, adj.: 1195 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. 1196 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1197% 1198Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. 1199 -- Charlie McCarthy 1200% 1201America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism 1202to decadence without touching civilization. 1203 -- John O'Hara 1204% 1205America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, 1206until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and 1207changed its name to "America". 1208 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 1209% 1210American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective 1211employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for 1212employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference 1213between the men's room and the women's room without having little 1214pictures on the doors. 1215 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister" 1216% 1217Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. 1218% 1219An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because 1220people refuse to see it. 1221 -- James Michener, "Space" 1222% 1223An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but 1224is always polite to traffic cops. 1225% 1226An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to 1227New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but 1228not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. 1229 -- David Letterman 1230% 1231An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. 1232% 1233 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He 1234knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with 1235great restraint. 1236 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and 1237embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away 1238to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, 1239and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of 1240that class of systems, is ready to build a second system. 1241 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. 1242When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will 1243confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, 1244and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that 1245are particular and not generalizable. 1246 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using 1247all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first 1248one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". 1249 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" 1250% 1251An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it. 1252% 1253An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree 1254murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's 1255mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. 1256Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the 1257suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a 1258murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." 1259% 1260An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you 1261really care to know. 1262% 1263An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. 1264% 1265An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. 1266% 1267An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded 1268summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your 1269arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey 1270responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!" 1271% 1272An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. 1273 -- A. P. Herbert 1274% 1275An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He 1276wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is 1277advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and 1278Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in 1279incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote 1280excellence: 1281 1282The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and 1283discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able 1284to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting 1285things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch 1286parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a 1287timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who 1288doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. 1289Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high 1290school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as 1291successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and 1292they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha. 1293 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 1294% 1295An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. 1296% 1297... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often 1298picturesque liar. 1299 -- Mark Twain 1300% 1301An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these 1302eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as 1303possible. 1304 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann" 1305% 1306An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. 1307% 1308 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity 1309in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. 1310 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if 1311you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like 1312an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an 1313hour seems like a minute." 1314 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a 1315moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" 1316 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 1317% 1318An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge. 1319% 1320Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no 1321government at all. 1322% 1323And as we stand on the edge of darkness 1324Let our chant fill the void 1325That others may know 1326 1327 In the land of the night 1328 The ship of the sun 1329 Is drawn by 1330 The grateful dead. 1331 1332 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. 1333% 1334... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers. 1335% 1336And I heard Jeff exclaim, 1337As they strolled out of sight, 1338"Merry Christmas to all -- 1339You take credit cards, right?" 1340 -- "Outsiders" comic 1341% 1342... And malt does more than Milton can 1343To justify God's ways to man 1344 -- A. E. Housman 1345% 1346And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. 1347% 1348... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of 1349your own. 1350 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter 1351 Preposterous Words 1352% 1353And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and 1354fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it 1355looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One 1356approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin 1357is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then 1358of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides 1359gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this 1360procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom 1361youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and 1362Orson Welles. 1363 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 1364% 1365...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a 1366courtesy detail. 1367% 1368And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a 1369horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical 1370columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, 1371ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the 1372world. 1373 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" 1374% 1375 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" 1376asked the father of his little son. 1377 "Diet." 1378% 1379And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have 1380a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks 1381tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets 1382tragedy face to face, we have politics. 1383 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and 1384 Ground Cover" 1385% 1386Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. 1387Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes. 1388 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo" 1389% 1390Angels we have heard on High 1391Tell us to go out and Buy. 1392 -- Tom Lehrer 1393% 1394Ankh if you love Isis. 1395% 1396Anoint, v.: 1397 To grease a king or other great functionary already 1398sufficiently slippery. 1399 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1400% 1401 Another Glitch in the Call 1402 ------- ------ -- --- ---- 1403 (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.) 1404 1405We don't need no indirection 1406We don't need no flow control 1407No data typing or declarations 1408Did you leave the lists alone? 1409 1410 Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone! 1411 1412Chorus: 1413 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. 1414 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. 1415% 1416Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 1417% 1418Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but 1419television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom 1420and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that 1421offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath. 1422 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" 1423% 1424 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: 1425 1426(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). 1427(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. 1428(3) I don't know. 1429(4) Who cares? 1430(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, 1431 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. 1432(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my 1433 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and 1434 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of 1435 Papyrus Books). 1436% 1437Anthony's Law of Force: 1438 Don't force it; get a larger hammer. 1439% 1440Anthony's Law of the Workshop: 1441 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible 1442 corner of the workshop. 1443 1444Corollary: 1445 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike 1446 your toes. 1447% 1448Antonym, n.: 1449 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. 1450% 1451Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. 1452 -- Charles McCabe 1453% 1454Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a 1455representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a 1456representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone 1457capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously. 1458 -- Richard Schickel 1459% 1460Any excuse will serve a tyrant. 1461 -- Aesop 1462% 1463Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that 1464this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a 1465whole week. 1466% 1467Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to 1468sell it. 1469% 1470Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche 1471-- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, 1472my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off 1473the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was 1474undoubtedly true. 1475 -- Solomon Short 1476% 1477Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there. 1478 -- Sydney J. Harris 1479% 1480Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger 1481object. 1482% 1483Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to 1484exactly the point of most pressure. 1485 -- Milt Barber 1486% 1487Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. 1488 -- Rich Kulawiec 1489% 1490Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged 1491demo. 1492% 1493Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. 1494 -- Arthur C. Clarke 1495% 1496Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked 1497something. 1498% 1499Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. 1500 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 1501% 1502Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. 1503% 1504Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is 1505probably parked. 1506% 1507Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. 1508% 1509Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is 1510supposed to be doing at the moment. 1511 -- Robert Benchley 1512% 1513Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. 1514 -- Publius Syrus 1515% 1516Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with 1517none. 1518% 1519Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he 1520is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not 1521make messes in the house. 1522 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 1523% 1524Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. 1525 -- Samuel Goldwyn 1526% 1527Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. 1528 -- W. C. Fields 1529% 1530Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no 1531account be allowed to do the job. 1532 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 1533% 1534Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never 1535tried taking candy from a baby. 1536 -- Robin Hood 1537% 1538Anything free is worth what you pay for it. 1539% 1540Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. 1541% 1542Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the 1543price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" 1544means the price went way up. 1545% 1546Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. 1547% 1548Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. 1549% 1550Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution. 1551% 1552Aphorism, n.: 1553 A concise, clever statement. 1554Afterism, n.: 1555 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. 1556 -- James Alexander Thom 1557% 1558APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of 1559the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of 1560coding bums. 1561% 1562APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I 1563can't read any of them. 1564 -- Roy Keir 1565% 1566Aquadextrous, adj.: 1567 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off 1568with your toes. 1569 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 1570% 1571AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) 1572 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. 1573 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to 1574 be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same 1575 mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. 1576% 1577Arbitrary systems, pl.n.: 1578 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing 1579general can be said." 1580% 1581ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- 1582 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE 1583% 1584Are you a turtle? 1585% 1586Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. 1587 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 1588% 1589ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) 1590 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You 1591 are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are 1592 not very nice. 1593% 1594Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your 1595shoes. 1596 -- Mickey Mouse 1597% 1598Armadillo: 1599 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle 1600% 1601Arnold's Laws of Documentation: 1602 (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. 1603 (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. 1604 (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the 1605 first two laws. 1606% 1607Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to 1608measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you 1609imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long? 1610 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 1611% 1612Art is anything you can get away with. 1613 -- Marshall McLuhan 1614% 1615Art is either plagiarism or revolution. 1616 -- Paul Gauguin 1617% 1618Arthur's Laws of Love: 1619 (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you 1620 remind them of someone else. 1621 (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be 1622 delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of 1623 yourself in person. 1624% 1625Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. 1626% 1627As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are 1628interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick 1629perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, 1630"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" 1631 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 1632% 1633As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual 1634certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I 1635became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can 1636meet girls. 1637 -- Matt Cartmill 1638% 1639As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not 1640certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. 1641 -- Albert Einstein 1642% 1643As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. 1644 -- Weisert 1645% 1646As I was going up Punch Card Hill, 1647 Feeling worse and worser, 1648There I met a C.R.T. 1649 And it drop't me a cursor. 1650 1651C.R.T., C.R.T., 1652 Phosphors light on you! 1653If I had fifty hours a day 1654 I'd spend them all at you. 1655 1656 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 1657% 1658As I was passing Project MAC, 1659I met a Quux with seven hacks. 1660Every hack had seven bugs; 1661Every bug had seven manifestations; 1662Every manifestation had seven symptoms. 1663Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, 1664How many losses at Project MAC? 1665% 1666As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great 1667industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free 1668speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to 1669myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a 1670real American talk like that. 1671 -- Frank Hague (1896-1956) 1672% 1673As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? 1674% 1675As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its 1676fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be 1677popular. 1678 -- Oscar Wilde 1679% 1680As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. 1681% 1682As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 1683programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging. 1684 -- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new 1685 computer system. 1686% 1687As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it 1688wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had 1689to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized 1690that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in 1691finding mistakes in my own programs. 1692 -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 1693% 1694As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's 1695so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. 1696 -- Woody Allen 1697% 1698As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there 1699is always a future in Computer Maintenance. 1700 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 1701% 1702As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such thing as a free 1703variable." 1704% 1705As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple 1706memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time 1707to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, 1708E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. 1709 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" 1710% 1711As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would 1712interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the 1713Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure 1714out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on 1715Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual 1716organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result, 1717birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never 1718see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and 1719stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations 1720with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are 1721talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both 1722highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant. 1723 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 1724 Teen Should Know" 1725% 1726As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull 1727your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you. 1728The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along 1729with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall 1730from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all 1731over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of 1732a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the 1733spider is suing you for damages. 1734% 1735As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." 1736% 1737ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. 1738% 1739Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if 1740one went to Harvard). 1741 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 1742% 1743Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls. 1744% 1745Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the 1746Station-to-Station rate. 1747% 1748Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the 1749bathtub, it tolls for thee. 1750% 1751Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" 1752for an answer. 1753% 1754Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old 1755woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it, 1756she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.' 1757 -- David Letterman 1758% 1759Ass, n.: 1760 The masculine of "lass". 1761% 1762Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. 1763Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be 1764strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum. 1765Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check 1766and dying broke. 1767 -- Stanley Walker 1768% 1769At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los 1770Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head 1771under the exhaust of a bus until he revived. 1772% 1773At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is 1774not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where 1775it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest. 1776 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow 1777% 1778At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial 1779challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. 1780 -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985 1781% 1782... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. 1783 -- J. B. White 1784% 1785At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents 1786% 1787At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his 1788thumb with a hammer. 1789 -- Marshall Lumsden 1790% 1791At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will 1792find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on 1793the computer. 1794% 1795Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole 1796or street lamp. 1797% 1798Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. 1799 -- Winston Churchill 1800% 1801Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever 1802depths they were once able to plumb. 1803 -- Stanley Kaufman 1804% 1805Automobile, n.: 1806 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. 1807% 1808Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. 1809 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 1810% 1811Avoid reality at all costs. 1812% 1813Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but 1814we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. 1815 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a student entering 1816 school in the fall after the Kent State shootings 1817% 1818Bacchus, n.: 1819 A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for 1820getting drunk. 1821 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1822% 1823Bagbiter: 1824 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually 1825intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This 1826bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on 1827obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the 1828bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS, 1829CHOMPER, CHOMPING. 1830% 1831Bagdikian's Observation: 1832 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American 1833newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a 1834ukulele. 1835% 1836Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: 1837 A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides 1838by governors. 1839% 1840Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. 1841% 1842Banectomy, n.: 1843 The removal of bruises on a banana. 1844 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 1845% 1846Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. 1847% 1848Barach's Rule: 1849 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. 1850% 1851Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the 1852floor -- especially in the dark. 1853% 1854Barometer, n.: 1855 An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we 1856are having. 1857 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1858% 1859Barth's Distinction: 1860 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two 1861types, and those who don't. 1862% 1863Baruch's Observation: 1864 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. 1865% 1866Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high 1867taxes. 1868 -- Will Rogers 1869% 1870Basic is a high level languish. 1871APL is a high level anguish. 1872% 1873BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'. 1874% 1875BASIC, n.: 1876 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in 1877that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. 1878% 1879Bathquake, n.: 1880 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water 1881faucet is turned on to a certain point. 1882 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 1883% 1884Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your 1885door. 1886% 1887BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...) 1888% 1889Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely 1890get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your 1891face. 1892 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 1893% 1894Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. 1895% 1896Be careful of reading health books. You might die of a misprint. 1897 -- Mark Twain 1898% 1899Be different: conform. 1900% 1901Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so 1902get used to it. 1903% 1904Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake. 1905% 1906Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and 1907miss 1908 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 1909% 1910Bees are very busy souls 1911They have no time for birth controls 1912And that is why in times like these 1913There are so many Sons of Bees. 1914% 1915 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and 1916took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his 1917followers. 1918 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and 1919there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. 1920 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his 1921commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your 1922Purpose in Life, anyway?" 1923 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The 1924Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) 1925 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. 1926 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. 1927 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 1928% 1929Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego. 1930% 1931Begathon, n.: 1932 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so 1933you won't have to watch commercials. 1934% 1935Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh 1936away. 1937% 1938Beifeld's Principle: 1939 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and 1940receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is 1941already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better 1942looking and richer male friend. 1943% 1944"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff> 1945% 1946Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone. 1947% 1948Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: 1949 (1) Houses are for people to live in. 1950 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. 1951 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. 1952% 1953Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence. 1954 -- Time Bandits 1955% 1956Besides the device, the box should contain: 1957 1958* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" 1959 1960* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two 1961 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. 1962 1963YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram 1964cable. 1965 1966IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your 1967spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car 1968that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King 1969without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's 1970why." 1971 1972WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. 1973 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 1974% 1975Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon. 1976% 1977better !pout !cry 1978better watchout 1979lpr why 1980santa claus <north pole >town 1981 1982cat /etc/passwd >list 1983ncheck list 1984ncheck list 1985cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist 1986cat list | grep nice >giftlist 1987santa claus <north pole > town 1988 1989who | grep sleeping 1990who | grep awake 1991who | egrep 'bad|good' 1992for (goodness sake) { 1993 be good 1994} 1995% 1996Better dead than mellow. 1997% 1998Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson 1999Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. 2000Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and 2001great effort pushing boulders into a single word. 2002 2003It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. 2004Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin 2005equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the 2006destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass 2007both Parliament and Party. 2008 2009It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other 2010planets, this may be the first message received from us. 2011 -- The Realist, November, 1964 2012% 2013Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not 2014tried it. 2015 -- Donald Knuth 2016% 2017Beware of computerized fortune-tellers! 2018% 2019Beware of low-flying butterflies. 2020% 2021Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. 2022 -- Leonard Brandwein 2023% 2024Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a 2025drip under pressure. 2026% 2027Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and 2028finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of 2029murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by 2030their ignorance the hard way. 2031 -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" 2032% 2033Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but 2034nothing of interest is easy. 2035% 2036Binary, adj.: 2037 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. 2038% 2039Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same 2040thing as division. 2041% 2042Bipolar, adj.: 2043 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, 2044New York 2045% 2046Birth, n.: 2047 The first and direst of all disasters. 2048 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2049% 2050Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic. 2051% 2052Bizoos, n.: 2053 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a 2054basketball. 2055 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 2056% 2057... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ... 2058% 2059Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt. 2060 -- Herbert Hoover 2061% 2062Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, 2063for they Shall be Known as Wheels. 2064% 2065BLISS is ignorance. 2066% 2067Blood flows down one leg and up the other. 2068% 2069Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. 2070% 2071Blore's Razor: 2072 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is 2073funnier. 2074% 2075Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in 2076plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has 2077it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was 2078arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept 2079throwing up on them. 2080% 2081Boling's postulate: 2082 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. 2083% 2084Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: 2085 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so 2086vividly manifests their lack of progress. 2087% 2088Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: 2089 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 2090% 2091BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH! 2092% 2093Boob's Law: 2094 You always find something in the last place you look. 2095% 2096Bore, n.: 2097 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. 2098 -- Walter Winchell 2099% 2100Bore, n.: 2101 A person who talks when you wish him to listen. 2102 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2103% 2104Boren's Laws: 2105 (1) When in charge, ponder. 2106 (2) When in trouble, delegate. 2107 (3) When in doubt, mumble. 2108% 2109Boss, n.: 2110 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages 2111the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, 2112in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an 2113ornamental stud." 2114% 2115Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry 2116that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation 2117straightened out for a crowbar. 2118 -- O. W. Holmes 2119% 2120Boston, n.: 2121 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for 2122finishing second in the Irish jig competition. 2123% 2124Boy, life takes a long time to live. 2125 -- Steven Wright 2126% 2127Boy, n.: 2128 A noise with dirt on it. 2129% 2130Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least 2131when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. 2132 -- James Thurber 2133% 2134Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. 2135 -- Kim Hubbard 2136% 2137Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the 2138unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only 2139(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend 2140to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.' 2141 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking Style" 2142% 2143Bradley's Bromide: 2144 If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a 2145committee -- that will do them in. 2146% 2147Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: 2148 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more 2149easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have 2150handled this?" 2151% 2152Brain fried -- Core dumped 2153% 2154Brain, n.: 2155 The apparatus with which we think that we think. 2156 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2157% 2158Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: 2159 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of 2160error in an opponent. 2161 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2162% 2163Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, 2164since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. 2165 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 2166% 2167Bride, n.: 2168 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. 2169 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2170% 2171Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may 2172revitalize the corner saloon. 2173% 2174British Israelites: 2175 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of 2176Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by 2177Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further 2178believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the 2179Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in 2180the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your 2181head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth. 2182 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 2183% 2184Broad-mindedness, n.: 2185 The result of flattening high-mindedness out. 2186% 2187Brontosaurus Principle: 2188 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them 2189in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when 2190this occurs, they are an endangered species. 2191 -- Thomas K. Connellan 2192% 2193Brook's Law: 2194 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later 2195% 2196Brooke's Law: 2197 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool 2198discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it 2199beyond recognition. 2200% 2201Bubble Memory, n.: 2202 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's 2203intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". 2204% 2205Bucy's Law: 2206 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 2207% 2208Bug, n.: 2209 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the 2210programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he 2211wrote the program. 2212 2213Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. 2214 -- Ray Simard 2215% 2216Bugs, pl. n.: 2217 Small living things that small living boys throw on small 2218living girls. 2219% 2220BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the 2221 outfit." 2222GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" 2223BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive." 2224 -- Jay Ward 2225% 2226Bumper sticker: 2227 2228All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British 2229manufacture. 2230% 2231Bureaucrat, n.: 2232 A person who cuts red tape sideways. 2233 -- J. McCabe 2234% 2235Bureaucrat, n.: 2236 A politician who has tenure. 2237% 2238Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise. 2239% 2240Burn's Hog Weighing Method: 2241 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a 2242 sawhorse. 2243 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank. 2244 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again 2245 perfectly balanced. 2246 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks. 2247 -- Robert Burns 2248% 2249 But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can 2250easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed 2251and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) 2252upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was 2253without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based 2254on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court 2255was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and 2256sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, 2257human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. 2258 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2259% 2260But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations paws. 2261% 2262But I don't like Spam!!!! 2263% 2264 But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human 2265intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as 2266we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues 2267that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding 2268of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard 2269example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- 2270makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing 2271whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a 2272finite or an infinite number. 2273 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" 2274% 2275But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the 2276system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, 2277analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. 2278 -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing 2279 Compilers" 2280% 2281But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast 2282to the nearest gas station. 2283% 2284But scientists, who ought to know 2285Assure us that it must be so. 2286Oh, let us never, never doubt 2287What nobody is sure about. 2288 -- Hilaire Belloc 2289% 2290But soft you, the fair Ophelia: 2291Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, 2292But get thee to a nunnery -- go! 2293 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain 2294% 2295But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who 2296was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal 2297education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 22981877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of 2299American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was 2300invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he 2301invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant 2302adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends 2303electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the 2304electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant 2305part) sends it right back to the customer again. 2306 2307This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch 2308of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since 2309very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. 2310In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United 2311States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it 2312ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate 2313increases. 2314 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 2315% 2316But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad 2317place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. 2318Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a 2319kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, 2320poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I 2321explained yet about the bytes? 2322% 2323... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. 2324 -- Virginia Masters 2325% 2326But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable 2327computers? 2328% 2329Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes 2330Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; 2331Less dear than army ants in apple pies 2332Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, 2333Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; 2334Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose 2335They suck, and like the double-breasted suit 2336Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, 2337Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; 2338And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: 2339Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; 2340Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. 2341Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, 2342Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. 2343% 2344By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task 2345completely overwhelm you. 2346% 2347By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, 2348it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to 2349invent. 2350 -- R. Emerson 2351 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program 2352 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") 2353 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to 2354 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"] 2355% 2356By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began 2357to suspect 'Hungry' ... 2358 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side" 2359% 2360By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I 2361mean. 2362 -- Mark Twain 2363% 2364Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to 2365point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very 2366fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are 2367often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people 2368from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B 2369that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often 2370wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell 2371they wanted to be. 2372 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 2373% 2374C, n.: 2375 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more 2376like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or 2377anything else. It is either the best language available to the art 2378today, or it isn't. 2379 -- Ray Simard 2380% 2381Cabbage, n.: 2382 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as 2383a man's head. 2384 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2385% 2386Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception. 2387 -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 2388% 2389Cahn's Axiom: 2390 When all else fails, read the instructions. 2391% 2392California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. 2393 -- Fred Allen 2394% 2395California, n.: 2396 From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or 2397Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or 2398"fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." 2399 -- Ed Moran 2400% 2401Call on God, but row away from the rocks. 2402 -- Indian proverb 2403% 2404Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target 2405Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept. 2406% 2407Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. 2408 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 2409% 2410Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth 2411Corner, Vermont. 2412 -- Clarence Darrow 2413% 2414Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two 2415points. 2416 -- M. M. Johnston 2417% 2418Canada Bill Jone's Motto: 2419 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. 2420 2421Supplement: 2422 A .44 magnum beats four aces. 2423% 2424Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents 2425for postage and 30 cents for storage. 2426 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post 2427% 2428Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? 2429Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, 2430A root or two, a torus and a node: 2431The inverse of my verse, a null domain. 2432 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 2433% 2434CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 2435 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's 2436problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things 2437off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare 2438recipients are Cancer people. 2439% 2440Canonical, adj.: 2441 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true 2442story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some 2443annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a 2444point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and 2445eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used 2446the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking. 2447 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" 2448 Stallman: "What did he say?" 2449 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." 2450% 2451CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) 2452 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do 2453much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any 2454importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as 2455they take root and become trees. 2456% 2457Captain Penny's Law: 2458 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of 2459the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. 2460% 2461Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than 2462expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to 2463complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their 2464planning to reduce the time it takes. 2465% 2466Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and 2467trousers that don't match. 2468% 2469Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: 2470 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a 2471dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then 2472putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 2473 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 2474% 2475Cat, n.: 2476 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. 2477% 2478Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education. 2479 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson" 2480% 2481Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. 2482% 2483CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. 2484% 2485Cecil, you're my final hope 2486Of finding out the true Straight Dope 2487For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat 2488But none of my cats are at all like that. 2489This unusual animal (so it is said) 2490Is simultaneously alive and dead! 2491What I don't understand is just why he 2492Can't be one or the other, unquestionably. 2493My future now hangs in between eigenstates. 2494In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't. 2495If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way 2496And rescue my psyche from quantum decay. 2497But if this queer thing has perplexed even you, 2498Then I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo. 2499 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium 2500 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams 2501% 2502Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. 2503% 2504Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the 2505center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation 2506works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool. 2507 -- Kelvin Throop III 2508% 2509Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, 2510how many? 2511% 2512Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. 2513Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something 2514Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy 2515 out of it? 2516Jaka: Ugh! 2517Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? 2518 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret" 2519% 2520Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long 2521walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They 2522then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy 2523health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, 2524not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find 2525only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the 2526others who have tried it. 2527 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2528% 2529Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, 2530But it's very funny-- 2531 Did you ever try buying them without money? 2532 -- Ogden Nash 2533% 2534 Chapter 1 2535 2536The story so far: 2537 2538 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot 2539of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. 2540% 2541Character Density, n.: 2542 The number of very weird people in the office. 2543% 2544Checkuary, n.: 2545 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and 2546ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his 2547checks. 2548% 2549Chef, n.: 2550 Any cook who swears in French. 2551% 2552Chemicals, n.: 2553 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. 2554% 2555Chemistry is applied theology. 2556 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III 2557% 2558Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. 2559% 2560Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: 2561 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn 2562headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". 2563 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 2564% 2565Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: 2566 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request 2567for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will 2568cheerfully baste you. 2569 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 2570% 2571Chicago, n.: 2572 Where the dead still vote ... early and often! 2573% 2574Chicken Little only has to be right once. 2575% 2576Chicken Little was right. 2577% 2578Chicken Soup, n.: 2579 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, 2580cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure 2581is neurotic dependence on one's mother. 2582 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 2583% 2584Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every 2585effort to teach them good manners. 2586% 2587Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're 2588going to catch you in next. 2589 -- Franklin P. Jones 2590% 2591Children aren't happy without something to ignore, 2592And that's what parents were created for. 2593 -- Ogden Nash 2594% 2595Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for 2596word what you shouldn't have said. 2597% 2598Chism's Law of Completion: 2599 The amount of time required to complete a government project is 2600precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. 2601% 2602Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: 2603 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. 2604% 2605Chivalry, Schmivalry! 2606 Roger the thief has a 2607 method he uses for 2608 sneaky attacks: 2609Folks who are reading are 2610 Characteristically 2611 Always Forgetting to 2612 Guard their own bac ... 2613% 2614Christ: 2615 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. 2616% 2617Churchill's Commentary on Man: 2618 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the 2619time he will pick himself up and continue on. 2620% 2621Cigarette, n.: 2622 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in 2623between. 2624% 2625Cinemuck, n.: 2626 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which 2627covers the floors of movie theaters. 2628 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 2629% 2630Clairvoyant, n.: 2631 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that 2632which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. 2633 -- Ambrose Bierce 2634% 2635Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like 2636shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. 2637 -- Phyllis Diller 2638% 2639Cleanliness is next to impossible. 2640% 2641Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead. 2642% 2643Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day. 2644% 2645Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. 2646% 2647Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on 2648society. 2649 -- Mark Twain 2650% 2651COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. 2652% 2653Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. 2654% 2655Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- 2656"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." 2657 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2658% 2659Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong. 2660 -- Blair Houghton 2661% 2662Coincidence, n.: 2663 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was 2664going on. 2665% 2666Coincidences are spiritual puns. 2667 -- G. K. Chesterton 2668% 2669Cold, adj.: 2670 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. 2671% 2672Cold, adj.: 2673 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own 2674pockets. 2675% 2676Collaboration, n.: 2677 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the 2678other fellow can spell. 2679% 2680College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the 2681faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if 2682the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, 2683legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the 2684loss to humanity. 2685 -- H. L. Mencken 2686% 2687Colvard's Logical Premises: 2688 All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it 2689 won't. 2690 2691Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: 2692 This is especially true when dealing with someone you're 2693 attracted to. 2694 2695Grelb's Commentary 2696 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. 2697% 2698Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, 2699And every vector dreams of matrices. 2700Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: 2701It whispers of a more ergodic zone. 2702 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 2703% 2704Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, 2705Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, 2706Their indices bedecked from one to _n, 2707Commingled in an endless Markov chain! 2708 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 2709% 2710Command, n.: 2711 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in 2712such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. 2713% 2714 COMMENT 2715 2716Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, 2717A medley of extemporanea; 2718And love is thing that can never go wrong; 2719And I am Marie of Roumania. 2720 -- Dorothy Parker 2721% 2722Commitment, n.: 2723 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. 2724The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. 2725% 2726Committee Rules: 2727 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. 2728 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this 2729 stamps you as being wise. 2730 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the 2731 others. 2732 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. 2733 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you 2734 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for. 2735% 2736Committee, n.: 2737 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group 2738decide that nothing can be done. 2739 -- Fred Allen 2740% 2741Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to 2742be appointed to do the work. 2743% 2744Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at 2745different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. 2746 -- Clive James 2747% 2748Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. 2749 -- Josh Billings 2750% 2751Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 2752 -- Albert Einstein 2753% 2754Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness 2755of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule." 2756 -- David Guaspari 2757% 2758Computer programmers do it byte by byte. 2759% 2760Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems 2761theory. 2762% 2763Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 2764% 2765Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. 2766 -- Pablo Picasso 2767% 2768Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in 2769the world that just don't add up. 2770% 2771Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more 2772than the estimate the job will cost. 2773% 2774Conceit causes more conversation than wit. 2775 -- La Rochefoucauld 2776% 2777Concept, n.: 2778 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than 2779$25,000. 2780% 2781... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this 2782business, it probably would be gibberish. 2783 -- Thom McLeod 2784% 2785Condense soup, not books! 2786% 2787Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is 2788good for dandruff. 2789 -- Peter de Vries 2790% 2791Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. 2792% 2793Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that 2794would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that 2795you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer 2796maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS 2797OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY 2798UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED 2799IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD 2800WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND 2801SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, 2802RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, 2803RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE 2804FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? 2805 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 2806% 2807Connector Conspiracy, n: 2808 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the 2809KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of 2810manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything) 2811to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old 2812stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive 2813interface devices. 2814% 2815Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. 2816 -- H. L. Mencken 2817% 2818Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking. 2819 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy" 2820% 2821Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. 2822% 2823Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you 2824wish you weren't. 2825% 2826Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich. 2827 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] 2828% 2829Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then 2830give it back to them. 2831% 2832"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and 2833if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" 2834 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 2835% 2836Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern 2837technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat. 2838% 2839Conversation, n.: 2840 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath 2841is called the listener. 2842% 2843Conway's Law: 2844 In any organization there will always be one person who knows 2845 what is going on. 2846 2847 This person must be fired. 2848% 2849Coronation, n.: 2850 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and 2851visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite 2852bomb. 2853 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2854% 2855Corrupt, adj.: 2856 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. 2857% 2858Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a 2859muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can 2860make of capitalism. 2861 -- Walter Lippmann 2862% 2863Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job 2864is to enforce the law and fight crime. 2865 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan 2866% 2867Court, n.: 2868 A place where they dispense with justice. 2869 -- Arthur Train 2870% 2871Coward, n.: 2872 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. 2873 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2874% 2875[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, with 2876nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. 2877 -- Wernher von Braun 2878% 2879Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. 2880 -- A. E. Neuman 2881% 2882Critic, n.: 2883 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries 2884to please him. 2885 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2886% 2887Croll's Query: 2888 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? 2889% 2890cursor address, n: 2891 "Hello, cursor!" 2892 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 2893% 2894Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It 2895eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the 2896business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation. 2897 -- Johnny Hart 2898% 2899Cynic, n.: 2900 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not 2901as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking 2902out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. 2903 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2904% 2905Cynic, n.: 2906 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. 2907% 2908Dare to be naive. 2909 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 2910% 2911Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. 2912% 2913Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." 2914Allen Gwinn: "Yours is." 2915% 2916Dawn, n.: 2917 The time when men of reason go to bed. 2918 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2919% 2920Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. 2921% 2922%DCL-E-MEM-BAD, bad memory 2923-VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears 2924% 2925Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also 2926easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to 2927improve. 2928% 2929Dear Lord: 2930 I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On 2931the other hand", again. 2932% 2933Dear Miss Manners: 2934 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's 2935elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between 2936courses, is all right. Which is correct? 2937 2938Gentle Reader: 2939 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home 2940economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this 2941principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now 2942than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners 2943believes that is. 2944% 2945Dear Miss Manners: 2946 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from 2947your face. 2948 2949Gentle Reader: 2950 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on 2951your face ... 2952% 2953Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part 2954of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old 2955will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a 2956commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as 2957"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a 2958table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always 2959says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean, 2960"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this 2961complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim 2962if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a 2963dead bat? 2964 2965Answer: Yes. 2966 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 2967% 2968Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? 2969 2970Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business 2971signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a 2972word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR 2973ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when 2974creating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put 2975quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT 2976DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. 2977 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 2978% 2979Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. 2980% 2981Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. 2982 -- R. Geis 2983% 2984Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. 2985% 2986Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'. 2987% 2988Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. 2989% 2990Death is only a state of mind. 2991 2992Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else. 2993% 2994Death to all fanatics! 2995% 2996Decision maker, n.: 2997 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force 2998before the music stopped. 2999% 3000Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really 3001overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene 3002language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the 3003judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when 3004addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang). 3005 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc. 3006% 3007 Deck Us All With Boston Charlie 3008 3009Deck us all with Boston Charlie, 3010Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! 3011Nora's freezin' on the trolley, 3012Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! 3013 3014Don't we know archaic barrel, 3015Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. 3016Trolley Molly don't love Harold, 3017Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! 3018 -- Walt Kelly 3019% 3020"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of 3021marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a 3022theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, 3023those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly 3024blessed. 3025 -- Randy Davis 3026% 3027default, n.: 3028 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, 3029mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will 3030come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear 3031 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 3032% 3033#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) 3034#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ 3035 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ 3036 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) 3037 3038 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word 3039% 3040Definitions of hardware and software for dummies: 3041 Hardware is what you kick; 3042 Software is what you curse. 3043% 3044 DELETE A FORTUNE! 3045 3046Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like 3047to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to 3048"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it 3049gets expunged. 3050% 3051Deliberation, n.: 3052 The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is 3053buttered on. 3054 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3055% 3056Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. 3057% 3058Demand the establishment of the government 3059in its rightful home at Disneyland. 3060% 3061Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than 3062we deserve. 3063 -- George Bernard Shaw 3064% 3065Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder 3066aloud what the country could do under first-class management. 3067 -- Senator Soaper 3068% 3069Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the 3070incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. 3071 -- G. B. Shaw 3072% 3073Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you 3074don't think. 3075% 3076Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by 3077Jackasses. 3078 -- H. L. Mencken 3079% 3080Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. 3081 -- Jawaharlal Nehru 3082% 3083Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people 3084are right more than half of the time. 3085 -- E. B. White 3086% 3087Democracy, n.: 3088 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass 3089meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. 3090Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights. 3091Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, 3092whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion, 3093prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences. 3094Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy. 3095 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), 3096 since withdrawn. 3097% 3098Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the 3099board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls. 3100% 3101Dentist, n.: 3102 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls 3103coins out of one's pockets. 3104 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3105% 3106Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will 3107be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over 3108the table. 3109 -- The Anarchist Cookbook 3110% 3111 DETERIORATA 3112 3113Go placidly amid the noise and waste, 3114And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. 3115Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. 3116Rotate your tires. 3117Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, 3118And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. 3119Know what to kiss -- and when. 3120Remember that two wrongs never make a right, 3121But that three do. 3122Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". 3123Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, 3124And despite the changing fortunes of time, 3125There is always a big future in computer maintenance. 3126 3127 You are a fluke of the universe ... 3128 You have no right to be here. 3129 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe 3130 Is laughing behind your back. 3131 -- National Lampoon 3132% 3133DeVries's Dilemma: 3134 If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want 3135hits the paper. 3136% 3137Did I say 2? I lied. 3138% 3139Did you know ... 3140 3141That no-one ever reads these things? 3142% 3143Did you know that clones never use mirrors? 3144 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3145% 3146Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined 3147them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction? 3148% 3149Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot 3150that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states: 3151 3152 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and 3153 squirrel." 3154 3155 -- ihuxw!tommyo 3156% 3157Die, v.: 3158 To stop sinning suddenly. 3159 -- Elbert Hubbard 3160% 3161Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a 3162conventional thing to happen to him. 3163 -- John Barrymore's dying words 3164% 3165Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. 3166% 3167Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. 3168Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. 3169% 3170Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. 3171% 3172Disc space -- the final frontier! 3173% 3174Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be 3175yours too." 3176 -- Dave Haynie 3177% 3178Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my 3179employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely 3180coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is 3181non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the 3182absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. 3183The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for 3184the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, 3185non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) 3186% 3187Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. 3188% 3189Distinctive, adj.: 3190 A different color or shape than our competitors. 3191% 3192Distress, n.: 3193 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. 3194 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3195% 3196District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape 3197injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any 3198damage inflicted on the vehicle. 3199% 3200Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? 3201% 3202Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? 3203% 3204Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 3205% 3206Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon. 3207% 3208Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to 3209anger. 3210% 3211Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good 3212with ketchup. 3213% 3214Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. 3215Violators will be prosecuted. 3216(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) 3217% 3218Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. 3219% 3220Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each 3221day as it comes. 3222 -- Donald Kaul 3223% 3224Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. 3225% 3226Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. 3227% 3228Do you have lysdexia? 3229% 3230Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take 3231the time to take the dirt out of them? 3232% 3233"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" 3234"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" 3235"I've never done anything illegal before." 3236"I thought you said you were an accountant!" 3237% 3238Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and 3239when it is bad, it is better than nothing. 3240 -- Dick Brandon 3241% 3242Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must 3243be good because the programmers hate it so much. 3244% 3245Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 3246% 3247Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. 3248% 3249Don't be humble ... you're not that great. 3250 -- Golda Meir 3251% 3252Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. 3253% 3254Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! 3255 -- Joe Cointment 3256% 3257"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, 3258sincerely, extremely dangerously. 3259 3260They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. 3261They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They 3262used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used 3263finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used 3264fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. 3265They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. 3266They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. 3267They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And 3268what the hell, they caught him. 3269 3270 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" 3271% 3272Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! 3273% 3274Don't feed the bats tonight. 3275% 3276Don't get even -- get odd! 3277% 3278Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly 3279misleading. Debug only code. 3280 -- Dave Storer 3281% 3282Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes 3283you nothing. It was here first. 3284 -- Mark Twain 3285% 3286Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. 3287% 3288Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. 3289% 3290Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier. 3291% 3292Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. 3293% 3294Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. 3295% 3296Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. 3297% 3298Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. 3299% 3300Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. 3301% 3302Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy 3303it today you can do it again tomorrow. 3304% 3305Don't say yes until I finish talking. 3306 -- Darryl F. Zanuck 3307% 3308Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. 3309Cheat. 3310 -- Ambrose Bierce 3311% 3312Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in! 3313 -- "Brazil" 3314% 3315Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent. 3316 -- Walt Kelly 3317% 3318Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive. 3319% 3320Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. 3321% 3322Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to 3323get more wax!! 3324% 3325Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts 3326avoiding you. 3327 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac 3328% 3329Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any 3330good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. 3331 -- Howard Aiken 3332% 3333Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already 3334tomorrow in Australia. 3335 -- Charles Schultz 3336% 3337Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too 3338busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. 3339% 3340Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? 3341% 3342Don Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she 3343 pretty? 3344W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of 3345 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to 3346 sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. 3347Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. 3348W. C.: It's almost impossible. 3349 -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson 3350 E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" 3351% 3352 Double Bucky 3353 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie") 3354 3355Double bucky, you're the one! 3356You make my keyboard lots of fun 3357 Double bucky, an additional bit or two: 3358(Vo-vo-de-o!) 3359Control and Meta side by side, 3360Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide! 3361 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! 3362 3363Oh, I sure wish that I, 3364Had a couple of bits more! 3365Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four. 3366 3367Double bucky, left and right 3368OR'd together, outta sight! 3369 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of 3370 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of 3371 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! 3372 3373 -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr. 3374 (to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit 3375 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use 3376 by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]) 3377% 3378Double-Blind Experiment, n.: 3379 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is 3380fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a 3381strong belief in the tooth fairy. 3382% 3383Down with categorical imperative! 3384% 3385Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. 3386% 3387Drew's Law of Highway Biology: 3388 The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front 3389of your eyes. 3390% 3391Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying. 3392% 3393Drive defensively. Buy a tank. 3394% 3395Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! 3396% 3397Ducharme's Axiom: 3398 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize 3399yourself as part of the problem. 3400% 3401Ducharme's Precept: 3402 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. 3403% 3404Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and 3405it holds the universe together. 3406 -- Carl Zwanzig 3407% 3408Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders 3409has been discontinued. 3410% 3411Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate 3412and captain of your soul. 3413% 3414Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been 3415discontinued. 3416% 3417 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen 3418were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a 3419red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, 3420"Hey, you almost hit my wife." 3421 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a 3422shot at mine, over there." 3423% 3424During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several 3425times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o 3426% 3427Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have 3428nothing whatever to do with it. 3429 -- W. Somerset Maugham (last words) 3430% 3431E Pluribus Unix 3432% 3433Eagleson's Law: 3434 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more 3435months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is 3436an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.) 3437% 3438Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends 3439% 3440/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. 3441% 3442Earth is a beta site. 3443% 3444Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun. 3445 -- Jeff Berner 3446% 3447Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: 3448 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the 3449cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of 3450the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this 3451means the puzzle is solved. 3452 -- Steve Rubenstein 3453% 3454Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. 3455% 3456Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work. 3457% 3458Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. 3459 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 3460% 3461Economics, n.: 3462 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. 3463Galbraith ... 3464 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 3465% 3466Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy 3467would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it 3468hasn't. 3469 -- Robert Orben 3470% 3471Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a 3472percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. 3473 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 3474% 3475Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. 3476 -- Fred Allen 3477% 3478Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. 3479 -- Irsin Edman 3480% 3481Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak! 3482 -- Bullwinkle Moose 3483% 3484Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. 3485 -- Adlai Stevenson 3486% 3487Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many 3488people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable 3489comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where 3490the "nog" comes from. 3491 3492To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in 3493season, eggs... 3494% 3495Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain 3496of being a damned fool. 3497 -- Bellamy Brooks 3498% 3499Egotist, n.: 3500 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. 3501 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3502% 3503Ehrman's Commentary: 3504 (1) Things will get worse before they get better. 3505 (2) Who said things would get better? 3506% 3507Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. 3508 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star 3509% 3510Eleanor Rigby 3511 Sits at the keyboard 3512 And waits for a line on the screen 3513Lives in a dream 3514Waits for a signal 3515 Finding some code 3516 That will make the machine do some more. 3517What is it for? 3518 3519All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 3520All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 3521 3522Hacker MacKensie 3523Writing the code for a program that no one will run 3524It's nearly done 3525Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's nobody there. 3526What does he care? 3527 3528All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 3529All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 3530Ah, look at all the lonely users. 3531Ah, look at all the lonely users. 3532% 3533Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. 3534% 3535 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, 3536called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you 3537have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in 3538most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the 3539time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could 3540have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, 3541although God alone knows why it would want to. 3542 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, 3543direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes 3544have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one 3545direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents 3546harmful electron buildup in the wires. 3547 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 3548% 3549Electrocution, n.: 3550 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. 3551% 3552Elevators smell different to midgets. 3553% 3554Emerson's Law of Contrariness: 3555 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we 3556can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. 3557% 3558Encyclopedia Salesmen: 3559 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police 3560and tell them your house is being burgled. 3561 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 3562% 3563Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. 3564Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. 3565 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 3566% 3567Entropy isn't what it used to be. 3568% 3569Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which 3570otherwise require harder thinking. 3571 -- Jerome Lettvin 3572% 3573Epperson's law: 3574 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably 3575something his wife can beat him at. 3576% 3577Equal bytes for women. 3578% 3579Error in operator: add beer 3580% 3581Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven 3582 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 3583Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven 3584 Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben. 3585 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 3586% 3587Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. 3588 -- Woody Allen 3589% 3590Etymology, n.: 3591 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that 3592were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed 3593from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" 3594("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." 3595 -- Mike Kellen 3596% 3597Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to 3598speak it to? 3599 -- Clarence Darrow 3600% 3601Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. 3602 -- Will Rogers 3603% 3604Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. 3605 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 3606% 3607Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United 3608States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a 3609day. 3610% 3611Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you 3612just how busy they are? 3613% 3614Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, 3615exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." 3616All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with 3617spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: 3618Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please 3619take her right now. No How about: Would you like to take something? 3620My wife is available. No. How about ..." 3621 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 3622% 3623Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. 3624% 3625Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. 3626% 3627Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this 3628woman and stop her. 3629% 3630Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one 3631idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's 3632sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all 3633of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two 3634highly-motivated, caustic twits. 3635 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet 3636% 3637Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired 3638signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not 3639fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not 3640spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the 3641genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way 3642of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is 3643humanity hanging on a cross of iron. 3644 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 3645% 3646Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): 3647 3648Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in 3649front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an 3650odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even 3651and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of 3652legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, 3653there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse 3654of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same 3655color"], that does not exist. 3656% 3657Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. 3658 -- Frank Moore Colby 3659% 3660Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. 3661% 3662Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. 3663 -- Don Vonada 3664% 3665Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95. 3666% 3667Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. 3668 -- Miguel de Cervantes 3669% 3670Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the 3671richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. 3672 -- Robert Orben 3673% 3674Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. 3675 3676It makes sense, when you don't think about it. 3677% 3678Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one 3679instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every 3680program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. 3681% 3682Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and 3683another for which it wasn't. 3684% 3685Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. 3686% 3687Every solution breeds new problems. 3688% 3689Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no 3690guarantee of eventual success. 3691% 3692Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. 3693% 3694Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. 3695 -- Beckett 3696% 3697Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 3698 -- Dykstra 3699% 3700Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. 3701% 3702Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be 3703taught how ___not to. So it is with the great programmers. 3704% 3705Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to 3706realize it. 3707% 3708Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic 3709formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the 3710scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact 3711wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist. Indeed, the banality of 3712existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to 3713discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the 3714problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the 3715mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, 3716one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely 3717different way ... 3718 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 3719% 3720Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it. 3721% 3722Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, 3723no one we know belongs. 3724% 3725Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being 3726that a belch is more satisfying. 3727 -- Ingmar Bergman 3728% 3729Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about 3730something you know. 3731 -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav, 3732 June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List 3733% 3734Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. 3735% 3736Everything you know is wrong! 3737% 3738Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less 3739obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no 3740solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. 3741There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no 3742straight lines. 3743 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 3744% 3745 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping 3746mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as 3747"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you 3748how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", 3749"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night 3750So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. 3751 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 3752% 3753Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike the office water cooler. 3754% 3755Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. 3756% 3757Excellent day to have a rotten day. 3758% 3759Excellent time to become a missing person. 3760% 3761Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from 3762acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. 3763 -- W. Somerset Maugham 3764% 3765Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. 3766% 3767Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do 3768the work. 3769 -- John G. Pollard 3770% 3771Expect the worst. It's the least you can do. 3772% 3773Expense Accounts, n.: 3774 Corporate food stamps. 3775% 3776Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 3777 -- Olivier 3778% 3779Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake 3780when you make it again. 3781 -- Franklin P. Jones 3782% 3783Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and 3784the instruction afterward. 3785% 3786Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old 3787ones. 3788% 3789Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. 3790% 3791Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. 3792% 3793Expert, n.: 3794 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides. 3795% 3796Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules: 3797 3798 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE 3799 3800To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully 3801cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand 3802corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and 3803address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) -- 3804to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower 3805left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card 3806below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your 3807computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL 3808SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card 3809(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the 3810Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be 3811disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print 3812this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and 3813completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize. 3814% 3815F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! 3816% 3817f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. 3818% 3819f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. 3820% 3821F: When into a room I plunge, I 3822 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI. 3823 Then I linger, darkly brooding 3824 On the poison they're exuding. 3825 -- The Roguelet's ABC 3826% 3827Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. 3828% 3829Fairy Tale, n.: 3830 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. 3831% 3832Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic 3833without looking to see whether the seeds move. 3834% 3835Faith, n: 3836 That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be 3837untrue. 3838% 3839Fakir, n: 3840 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost 3841religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to 3842have shinnied up a rope and vanished. 3843% 3844Familiarity breeds attempt. 3845% 3846Families, when a child is born 3847Want it to be intelligent. 3848I, through intelligence, 3849Having wrecked my whole life, 3850Only hope the baby will prove 3851Ignorant and stupid. 3852Then he will crown a tranquil life 3853By becoming a Cabinet Minister 3854 -- Su Tung-p'o 3855% 3856Famous last words: 3857% 3858Famous last words: 3859 (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." 3860 (2) "You and what army?" 3861 (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be 3862 a cop." 3863% 3864Famous last words: 3865 (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 3866 (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. 3867 (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- 3868 (4) We won't need reservations. 3869 (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year. 3870 (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded. 3871 (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. 3872 (8) Don't worry! Women love it! 3873% 3874Famous, adj.: 3875 Conspicuously miserable. 3876 -- Ambrose Bierce 3877% 3878Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the 3879Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. 3880Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an 3881utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life 3882forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches 3883are a pretty neat idea. 3884 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 3885% 3886Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it 3887every six months. 3888 -- Oscar Wilde 3889% 3890Fats Loves Madelyn. 3891% 3892Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ... 3893% 3894Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, 3895neither will you. 3896% 3897 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each 3898other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around 3899the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors 3900d'oeuvres. 3901 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes 3902to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your 3903Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright 3904piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. 3905 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with 3906inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down 3907other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and 3908placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when 3909the little hammers strike. 3910 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over 3911their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning 3912Christmas tree. The piano is missing. 3913 3914 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless 3915you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 39164. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. 3917% 3918Fifth Law of Applied Terror: 3919 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. 3920 3921Corollary: 3922 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. 3923% 3924Fifth Law of Procrastination: 3925 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that 3926there is nothing important to do. 3927% 3928Fifty flippant frogs 3929Walked by on flippered feet 3930And with their slime they made the time 3931Unnaturally fleet. 3932% 3933 FIGHTING WORDS 3934 3935Say my love is easy had, 3936 Say I'm bitten raw with pride, 3937Say I am too often sad -- 3938 Still behold me at your side. 3939 3940Say I'm neither brave nor young, 3941 Say I woo and coddle care, 3942Say the devil touched my tongue -- 3943 Still you have my heart to wear. 3944 3945But say my verses do not scan, 3946 And I get me another man! 3947 -- Dorothy Parker 3948% 3949Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North 3950Carolina. 3951% 3952Finagle's Creed: 3953 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 3954% 3955Finagle's First Law: 3956 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 3957% 3958Finagle's Fourth Law: 3959 Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes 3960it worse. 3961% 3962Finagle's Second Law: 3963 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be 3964someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it 3965happened according to his own pet theory. 3966% 3967Finagle's Third Law: 3968 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, 3969 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 3970 3971Corollaries: 3972 (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 3973 (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really 3974 don't want to hear, will see it immediately. 3975% 3976Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture 3977on a rock. 3978 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 3979% 3980Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. 3981% 3982Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. 3983% 3984Fine's Corollary: 3985 Functionality breeds Contempt. 3986% 3987Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less: 3988 3989 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..." 3990 3991Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to: 3992 3993 P.O. Box 35 3994 Baffled Greek, Michigan 3995% 3996First Corollary of Taber's Second Law: 3997 Machines that piss people off get murdered. 3998 -- Pat Taber 3999% 4000First Law of Bicycling: 4001 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the 4002wind. 4003% 4004First Law of Procrastination: 4005 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility 4006for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed 4007the deadline). 4008% 4009First Law of Socio-Genetics: 4010 Celibacy is not hereditary. 4011% 4012First Rule of History: 4013 History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each 4014other. 4015% 4016First things first -- but not necessarily in that order 4017 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" 4018% 4019First, a few words about tools. 4020 4021Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of 4022the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously 4023injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If 4024you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look 4025particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for 4026granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face. 4027 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 4028% 4029Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. 4030 -- Robert Firth 4031% 4032FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when 4033the little hand is on the .... 4034% 4035Flon's Law: 4036 There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is 4037the least bit difficult to write bad programs. 4038% 4039Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her 4040husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my 4041joules!" 4042 4043"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux 4044a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." 4045 4046"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them 4047in my burette ... We must call a copper." 4048 4049Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, 4050said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name 4051of Lawrence Ium. 4052 4053"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and 4054dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can 4055catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an 4056activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... 4057 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" 4058% 4059flowchart, n. & v.: 4060 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart 4061"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] 40621. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction 4063problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation 4064using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic 4065doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for 4066wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A 4067thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's 4068Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce 4069flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate 4070(a problem) with esoteric cartoons. 4071 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 4072% 4073Flugg's Law: 4074 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the 4075world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. 4076% 4077Flying saucers on occasion 4078 Show themselves to human eyes. 4079Aliens fume, put off invasion 4080 While they brand these tales as lies. 4081% 4082Fog Lamps, n.: 4083 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the 4084fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the 4085driver's brain is in a fog. 4086 4087See also "Idiot Lights". 4088% 4089Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. 4090 -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo" 4091% 4092For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ... 4093% 4094For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a 4095cat. 4096% 4097For an adequate time call 555-3321. 4098% 4099For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be 4100always old-fashioned. 4101% 4102For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, 4103and wrong. 4104 -- H. L. Mencken 4105% 4106For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. 4107 -- R. Clopton 4108% 4109 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence 4110of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." 4111 4112 "Whose?" 4113 4114 "MINE! HA-HA!" 4115% 4116For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two. 4117% 4118For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire 4119life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days 4120now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets 4121when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch 4122in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have 4123the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which 4124means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are 4125advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are 4126the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their 4127names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot 4128("part of this complete breakfast"). 4129 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" 4130% 4131For perfect happiness, remember two things: 4132 (1) Be content with what you've got. 4133 (2) Be sure you've got plenty. 4134% 4135For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say 4136"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. 4137 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to 4138 the U.S. 4139% 4140For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. 4141% 4142For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of 4143a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with 4144computers altogether? 4145 -- Jehan Shuman 4146% 4147For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. 4148 -- Abraham Lincoln 4149% 4150For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but 4151phone calls taper off. 4152 -- Johnny Carson 4153% 4154For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- 4155I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. 4156But now I think a thought that brings me hope: 4157Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. 4158 -- Justin Richardson 4159% 4160For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH! 4161% 4162Forgetfulness, n.: 4163 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their 4164destitution of conscience. 4165% 4166Forms follow function, and often obliterate it. 4167% 4168FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6 4169 4170RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. 4171 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and 4172 arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating 4173 hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. 4174% 4175fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: 4176 4177 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine. 4178 "Hey you, get off my plate" 4179 -- Roger Midnight 4180% 4181Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: 4182 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" 4183% 4184Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): 4185 4186 Don't Write On Walls! 4187 4188 (and underneath) 4189 4190 You want I should type? 4191% 4192Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): 4193 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this 4194State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed 4195with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females 4196weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it 4197apply to female horses. 4198% 4199Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful 4200Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an 4201impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and 4202clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following 4203exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. 4204 4205DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are 4206 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. 4207HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters? 4208DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter 4209 is that female oysters through their living habits cast out 4210 large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large 4211 amounts of fertilization ... 4212HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many 4213 teenagers who read The Congressional Record. 4214% 4215Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week: 4216 4217 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige. 4218% 4219FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14 4220 4221Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good 4222liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and 4223light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything 4224drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. 4225% 4226Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18: 4227 4228Q: Are you married? 4229A: No, I'm divorced. 4230Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? 4231A: A lot of things I didn't know about. 4232% 4233Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: 4234 4235Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 4236A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. 4237% 4238Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: 4239 4240THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present 4241 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have 4242 any ... 4243% 4244Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: 4245 4246Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? 4247A: I will be three months November 8th. 4248Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? 4249A: Yes. 4250Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time? 4251% 4252Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: 4253 4254Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? 4255A: No. 4256Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? 4257A: Picking them up in the air. 4258Q: Where was the dog at this time? 4259A: Attached to the ears. 4260% 4261Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: 4262 4263Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were 4264 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to 4265 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with 4266 him to the station? 4267MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. 4268% 4269Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: 4270 4271Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? 4272A: By death. 4273Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 4274% 4275Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: 4276 4277Q: What is your name? 4278A: Ernestine McDowell. 4279Q: And what is your marital status? 4280A: Fair. 4281% 4282Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: 4283 4284Q: What happened then? 4285A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify 4286 me." 4287Q: Did he kill you? 4288A: No. 4289% 4290fortune: CPU time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped. 4291% 4292Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai 4293sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. 4294 4295Oh, and have a nice day! 4296 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84 4297% 4298Fourth Law of Applied Terror: 4299 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology 4300instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. 4301 4302Corollary: 4303 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do 4304except study for that instructor's course. 4305% 4306Fourth Law of Revision: 4307 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about 4308interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you. 4309% 4310Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not 4311almost one, it is damn near zero. 4312 -- David Ellis 4313% 4314Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a 4315policeman's tie. 4316% 4317Fresco's Discovery: 4318 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. 4319% 4320Friends, Romans, Hipsters, 4321Let me clue you in; 4322I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him. 4323The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; 4324The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus 4325Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes; 4326If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, 4327And, like, old Caesar really set them straight. 4328Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; 4329So are they all, all cool cats, -- 4330Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down. 4331% 4332Frisbeetarianism, n.: 4333 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and 4334gets stuck. 4335% 4336Frobnicate, v.: 4337 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. 4338Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a 4339frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK 4340sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless 4341manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse 4342search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is 4343turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it 4344he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the 4345screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because 4346turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. 4347% 4348Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.: 4349 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to 4350electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to 4351FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and 4352FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. 4353FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure 4354via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be 4355applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures. 4356% 4357[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology 4358Association, in Rome]: 4359 4360The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria 4361and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not 4362spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, 4363or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in 4364millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have 4365reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology 4366engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, 4367president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social 4368schizophrenia in mass genocide. 4369% 4370From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973: 4371 4372Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and 4373the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the 4374Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his 4375candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground 4376nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, 4377other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not 4378qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their 4379being nuts (unground)." 4380% 4381From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was 4382convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. 4383 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults" 4384% 4385[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made 4386in Japan]: 4387 4388The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT 4389MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is 4390featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality 4391against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design", 4392"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 4393Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile 4394operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc. 4395 4396And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help 4397achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by 4398HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being. 4399% 4400From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the 4401instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new 4402experience in sound: 4403 4404 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading 4405 sound is normal for this type of connector. 4406% 4407From too much love of living, 4408From hope and fear set free, 4409We thank with brief thanksgiving, 4410Whatever gods may be, 4411That no life lives forever, 4412That dead men rise up never, 4413That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. 4414 -- Swinburne 4415% 4416Fuch's Warning: 4417 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well 4418enough to travel. 4419% 4420Fudd's First Law of Opposition: 4421 Push something hard enough and it will fall over. 4422% 4423Furbling, v.: 4424 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank 4425even when you are the only person in line. 4426 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 4427% 4428Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. 4429 -- H. H. Williams 4430% 4431Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. 4432% 4433G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One 4434of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his 4435secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says 4436`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And 4437that's your chance, my boy." 4438% 4439Garbage In -- Gospel Out. 4440% 4441Garter, n.: 4442 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her 4443stockings and desolating the country. 4444 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4445% 4446Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall 4447on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! 4448 -- Adventures of Asterix 4449% 4450Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". 4451 4452 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound 4453than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: 4454 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." 4455Obvious, isn't it? 4456 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start 4457speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as 4458long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all 4459your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and 4460so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed 4461individuals and then grow ... 4462 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those 4463signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when 4464everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on 4465the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs 4466backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I 4467think not, my friend, I think not. 4468 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4469% 4470 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an 4471extracurricular activity except you." 4472 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" 4473 "Only to ten, Mudhead." 4474 -- The Firesign Theatre 4475% 4476Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore. 4477% 4478GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) 4479 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you 4480because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much 4481for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for 4482committing incest. 4483% 4484GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) 4485 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while 4486you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise 4487and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short 4488trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. 4489% 4490Genderplex, n.: 4491 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to 4492determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and 4493tortoises). 4494 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 4495% 4496Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why 4497you should. 4498% 4499Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus 4500handicapped. 4501 -- Elbert Hubbard 4502% 4503Genius, n.: 4504 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with 4505"bright". 4506% 4507George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0. 4508 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 4509% 4510George Orwell was an optimist. 4511% 4512George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to 4513have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. 4514 -- Ashley Cooper 4515% 4516Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 4517 (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong 4518 direction. 4519 (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 4520 (3) The energy required to change either one of these states 4521 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so 4522 much as to make the task totally impossible. 4523% 4524Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. 4525% 4526 Get GUMMed 4527 --- ------ 4528The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 45291, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above 4530the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep 4531each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered 4532chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek 4533nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three 4534days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two 4535seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- 4536friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is 4537Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis 4538"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You 4539Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because 4540all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we 4541could tell them. 4542 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84 4543% 4544Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! 4545% 4546 -- Gifts for Children -- 4547 4548This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, 4549because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months 4550and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- 4551morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children 4552exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If 4553your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You 4554Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it 4555might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe 4556me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child 4557who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. 4558 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 4559% 4560 -- Gifts for Men -- 4561 4562Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional 4563ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you 4564should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the 4565clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For 4566example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only 4567three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, 4568that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh 4569at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). 4570So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several 4571years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will 4572pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. 4573 4574If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More 4575than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set 4576of tires. 4577 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 4578% 4579 Gimmie That Old Time Religion 4580We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, 4581Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, 4582I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, 4583And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! 4584 (chorus) (chorus) 4585 4586In the church of Aphrodite, 4587The priestess wears a see-through nightie, 4588She's a mighty righteous sightie, 4589And she's good enough for me! 4590 (chorus) 4591 4592CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, 4593 Give me that old time religion, 4594 Give me that old time religion, 4595 'Cause it's good enough for me! 4596% 4597Ginsberg's Theorem: 4598 (1) You can't win. 4599 (2) You can't break even. 4600 (3) You can't even quit the game. 4601 4602Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: 4603 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem 4604 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's 4605 Theorem. To wit: 4606 4607 (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 4608 (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 4609 (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. 4610% 4611Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place 4612to stand, and I will drain the world. 4613% 4614Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war. 4615 -- Napoleon 4616% 4617Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! 4618% 4619Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to 4620a new town. 4621% 4622Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. 4623% 4624Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying 4625around, I'd rather lie around. No contest. 4626 -- Eric Clapton 4627% 4628Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: 4629Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP 4630machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. 4631 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 4632% 4633Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: 4634 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the 4635probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some 4636useful work done. 4637% 4638Gnagloot, n.: 4639 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to 4640impress people. 4641 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 4642% 4643Go 'way! You're bothering me! 4644% 4645Go climb a gravity well! 4646% 4647Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may 4648be in owning a piece thereof. 4649 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 4650% 4651//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH 4652% 4653God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six 4654days and then pulled an all-nighter. 4655% 4656God doesn't play dice. 4657 -- Albert Einstein 4658% 4659"God gives burdens; also shoulders" 4660 4661Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the 4662end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I 4663can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why 4664would he lie about a thing like that? 4665 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4666% 4667God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ... 4668The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do 4669not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman 4670... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on 4671smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and 4672water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in 4673the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at 4674night! 4675 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher 4676% 4677God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. 4678% 4679God is a polytheist. 4680% 4681God is Dead 4682 -- Nietzsche 4683Nietzsche is Dead 4684 -- God 4685Nietzsche is God 4686 -- The Dead 4687% 4688God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's 4689% 4690God is real, unless declared integer. 4691% 4692God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the 4693elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying 4694other things. 4695 -- Pablo Picasso 4696% 4697God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. 4698 -- Alfred Jarry 4699% 4700God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. 4701% 4702God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. 4703% 4704God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board 4705 -- Mark Twain 4706% 4707God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. 4708 -- Kronecker 4709% 4710God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. 4711% 4712God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. 4713 -- Albert Einstein 4714% 4715God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them. 4716% 4717God rest ye CS students now, 4718Let nothing you dismay. 4719The VAX is down and won't be up, 4720Until the first of May. 4721The program that was due this morn, 4722Won't be postponed, they say. 4723 4724 Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, 4725 Comfort and joy, 4726 Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. 4727 4728The bearings on the drum are gone, 4729The disk is wobbling, too. 4730We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol 4731Can't tell false from true. 4732And now we find that we can't get 4733At Berkeley's 4.2. 4734 4735 (chorus) 4736% 4737Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to 4738school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a 4739person a car. 4740% 4741Gold, n.: 4742 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It 4743is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who 4744immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold 4745hasn't done anything to them. 4746 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 4747% 4748Goldenstern's Rules: 4749 (1) Always hire a rich attorney. 4750 (2) Never buy from a rich salesman. 4751% 4752Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad 4753example. 4754 -- La Rochefoucauld 4755% 4756Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. 4757% 4758Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. 4759% 4760Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. 4761% 4762Good day to let down old friends who need help. 4763% 4764Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. 4765% 4766Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. 4767% 4768Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. 4769% 4770Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's 4771new lover. 4772% 4773Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. 4774 -- George Saunders' dying words 4775% 4776Gordon's first law: 4777 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing 4778well. 4779% 4780Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with 4781time travel, you never can tell. 4782 -- Doctor Who, "Androids of Tara" 4783% 4784Got Mole problems? 4785Call Avogadro 6.02 x 10^23 4786% 4787Goto, n.: 4788 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers 4789to complain about unstructured programmers. 4790 -- Ray Simard 4791% 4792Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. 4793 -- John Updike, "Couples" 4794% 4795Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are 4796different lies. 4797% 4798Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know 4799any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he 4800doesn't know much. 4801 -- Will Rogers 4802% 4803Grabel's Law: 4804 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. 4805% 4806Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. 4807% 4808Graduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture. 4809% 4810Grandpa Charnock's Law: 4811 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 4812% 4813Gravity is a myth: the Earth sucks. 4814% 4815Gray's Law of Programming: 4816 `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same 4817time as `_n' tasks. 4818 4819Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 4820 `_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks. 4821% 4822Great minds run in great circles. 4823% 4824 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917 4825 4826On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then- 4827Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them 4828off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I 4829wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his 4830mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a 4831tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men 4832stood lookout. 4833% 4834Green light in A.M. for new projects. 4835Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. 4836% 4837Greener's Law: 4838 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. 4839% 4840Grelb's Reminder: 4841 Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above 4842average drivers. 4843% 4844Grub first, then ethics. 4845 -- Bertolt Brecht 4846% 4847Gurmlish, n.: 4848 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which 4849prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his 4850mouth. 4851 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 4852% 4853Gyroscope, n.: 4854 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also 4855free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each 4856other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two 4857mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the 4858other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus 4859offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any 4860torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. 4861 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary 4862% 4863H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. 4864Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. 4865 -- Maxwell Bodenheim 4866% 4867H. L. Mencken's Law: 4868 Those who can -- do. 4869 Those who can't -- teach. 4870 4871Martin's Extension: 4872 Those who cannot teach -- administrate. 4873% 4874H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you, 4875 Slice him up before he slays you. 4876 Nothing makes you look a slob 4877 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB). 4878 -- The Roguelet's ABC 4879% 4880Hacker's Law: 4881 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a 4882nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. 4883% 4884Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. 4885% 4886Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, 4887and you would not have been informed. 4888% 4889Hail to the sun god 4890He sure is a fun god 4891Ra! Ra! Ra! 4892% 4893Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big 4894enough majority in any town? 4895 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" 4896% 4897Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.) 4898% 4899Half-done: 4900 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still 4901crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference 4902between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like 4903the difference between life and death. 4904 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill 4905there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the 4906airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough 4907Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on 4908Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk 4909about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the 4910man, "Let me have a nice half-done." 4911 Worth the trouble, wasn't it? 4912 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4913% 4914Hall's Laws of Politics: 4915 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 4916 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something 4917 fixed. 4918 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend 4919 military spending, and conservatives social spending in 4920 their own districts). 4921% 4922Hand, n.: 4923 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and 4924commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. 4925 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4926% 4927Hanlon's Razor: 4928 Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by 4929stupidity. 4930% 4931Hanson's Treatment of Time: 4932 There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days 4933before Saturday. 4934% 4935Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. 4936 -- Ogden Nash 4937% 4938Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. 4939 -- Oscar Levant 4940% 4941Happiness, n.: 4942 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of 4943another. 4944 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4945% 4946Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances? 4947% 4948Hardware, n.: 4949 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 4950% 4951Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand 4952convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want. 4953 -- Tobias Smollet 4954% 4955Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark 4956The Duke is fond of kittens 4957He likes to take their insides out 4958And use them for his mittens 4959 From "The Thirteen Clocks" 4960% 4961Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, 4962Advertising wondrous things. 4963 -- Tom Lehrer 4964% 4965Harris's Lament: 4966 All the good ones are taken. 4967% 4968Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: 4969 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment 4970ruined. 4971% 4972Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he 4973makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean 4974famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses 4975probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you 4976have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like 4977enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their 4978attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock 4979down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, 4980just like Richard Nixon." 4981 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob" 4982% 4983Hartley's First Law: 4984 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float 4985on his back, you've got something. 4986% 4987Hartley's Second Law: 4988 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 4989% 4990Harvard Law: 4991 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, 4992temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will 4993do as it damn well pleases. 4994% 4995"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" 4996"Yes, I don't have one." 4997"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..." 4998 -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372 4999% 5000Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are 5001typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter 5002keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use 5003of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is 5004not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears. 5005% 5006 Has your family tried 'em? 5007 5008 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 5009 5010 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! 5011 5012 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the 5013 strength to get up and do what needs to be done. 5014 5015 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 5016 5017 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the 5018 biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains 5019 that indicate freshness. 5020% 5021Hatred, n.: 5022 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's 5023superiority. 5024 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5025% 5026Have an adequate day. 5027% 5028Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is 5029to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a 5030non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? 5031 5032Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This 5033still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or 5034only serves to blunt the warning signs. 5035 5036 Long live the revolution! 5037 Have a nice day. 5038% 5039Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell 5040you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time 5041for play? 5042% 5043Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, 5044I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container 5045filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite 5046sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in 5047their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or 5048mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why 5049they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week. 5050 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 5051% 5052"Have you lived here all your life?" 5053"Oh, twice that long." 5054% 5055Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a 5056crack in your sidewalk? 5057% 5058Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline 5059sharply the minute they start waving guns around? 5060 -- Dr. Who 5061% 5062Have you reconsidered a computer career? 5063% 5064He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental 5065effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable 5066perversion. 5067 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails" 5068% 5069He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions. 5070 -- Stephen Leacock 5071% 5072He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation 5073perfectly delightful. 5074 -- Sydney Smith 5075% 5076He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and 5077heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope 5078of ever behaving "normally." 5079 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 5080% 5081He hadn't a single redeeming vice. 5082 -- Oscar Wilde 5083% 5084He is now rising from affluence to poverty. 5085 -- Mark Twain 5086% 5087He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered. 5088% 5089He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. 5090 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 5091% 5092He thought he saw an albatross 5093That fluttered 'round the lamp. 5094He looked again and saw it was 5095A penny postage stamp. 5096"You'd best be getting home," he said, 5097"The nights are rather damp." 5098% 5099He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. 5100 -- Jonathan Swift 5101% 5102He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him insufferable. 5103% 5104He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. 5105% 5106He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry 5107attacks democracy itself. 5108 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS 5109% 5110He who Laughs, Lasts. 5111% 5112He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ... 5113% 5114He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be 5115there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. 5116% 5117He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ... 5118% 5119HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. 5120SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains. 5121 -- Walt Kelley 5122% 5123Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 5124% 5125Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying 5126of nothing. 5127 -- Redd Foxx 5128% 5129Heaven, n.: 5130 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of 5131their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you 5132expound your own. 5133 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5134% 5135Heavy, adj.: 5136 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. 5137% 5138Heisenberg may have slept here. 5139% 5140Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. 5141 -- Milton Friedman 5142% 5143Heller's Law: 5144 The first myth of management is that it exists. 5145 5146Johnson's Corollary: 5147 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the 5148organization. 5149% 5150"Hello," he lied. 5151 -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent 5152% 5153Help a swallow land at Capistrano. 5154% 5155Help fight continental drift. 5156% 5157Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file! 5158% 5159Help stamp out and abolish redundancy. 5160% 5161Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! 5162% 5163HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! 5164 -- E. E. CUMMINGS 5165% 5166Her locks an ancient lady gave 5167Her loving husband's life to save; 5168And men -- they honored so the dame -- 5169Upon some stars bestowed her name. 5170 5171But to our modern married fair, 5172Who'd give their lords to save their hair, 5173No stellar recognition's given. 5174There are not stars enough in heaven. 5175% 5176Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from 5177Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ... 5178% 5179Here I sit, broken-hearted, 5180All logged in, but work unstarted. 5181First net.this and net.that, 5182And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. 5183 5184The boss comes by, and I play the game, 5185Then I turn back to net.flame. 5186Is there a cure (I need your views), 5187For someone trapped in net.news? 5188 5189I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, 5190'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. 5191% 5192Here in my heart, I am Helen; 5193 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. 5194I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el; 5195 I'm Salome, moon of the East. 5196 5197Here in my soul I am Sappho; 5198 Lady Hamilton am I, as well. 5199In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, 5200 With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell. 5201 5202I'm all of the glamorous ladies 5203 At whose beckoning history shook. 5204But you are a man, and see only my pan, 5205 So I stay at home with a book. 5206 -- Dorothy Parker 5207% 5208Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical 5209lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach 5210your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. 5211Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in 5212pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, 5213but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an 5214important electrical lesson. 5215 5216It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed 5217your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small 5218objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will 5219attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and 5220collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your 5221friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the 5222carpet, thus completing the circuit. 5223 5224Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without 5225touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your 5226finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you 5227have carpeting. 5228 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 5229% 5230 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the 5231month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people 5232are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China. 5233 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either 5234(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax 5235tadpole". 5236 Bite the wax tadpole. 5237 There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? 5238 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's 5239hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to 5240bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, 5241but broad satiric vistas do not open up. 5242 -- John Carroll, San Francisco Chronicle 5243% 5244Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 5245`Psychic Wins Lottery'? 5246 -- Jay Leno 5247% 5248Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, 5249then they'd be algorithms. 5250% 5251Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??! 5252 -- W. C. Fields 5253% 5254Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person 5255reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, 5256nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. 5257% 5258"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. 5259As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of 5260equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. 5261Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you 5262probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of 5263course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my 5264experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out 5265of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser. 5266 5267"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our 5268motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'" 5269 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering" 5270% 5271Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich; 5272Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich. 5273Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws 5274Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; 5275 We buried him today because 5276 As far as we can tell, he's dead. 5277 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty 5278 Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher; 5279 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele 5280% 5281Higgledy Piggledy, 5282Hamlet of Elsinore 5283Ruffled the critics by 5284Dropping this bomb: 5285"Phooey on Freud and his 5286Psychoanalysis -- 5287Oedipus, Shmoedipus, 5288I just loved Mom." 5289% 5290Hindsight is an exact science. 5291% 5292Hippogriff, n.: 5293 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. 5294The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. 5295The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which 5296is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full 5297of surprises. 5298 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5299% 5300Hire the morally handicapped. 5301% 5302His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had 5303money, he went to Southern California. 5304% 5305His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice. 5306 -- Foghorn Leghorn 5307% 5308His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier. 5309% 5310History is curious stuff 5311 You'd think by now we had enough 5312Yet the fact remains I fear 5313 They make more of it every year. 5314% 5315History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. 5316% 5317History, n.: 5318 Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we 5319learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from 5320what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long 5321view. 5322 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 5323% 5324Hlade's Law: 5325 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they 5326will find an easier way to do it. 5327% 5328Hoare's Law of Large Problems: 5329 Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. 5330% 5331Hofstadter's Law: 5332 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take 5333Hofstadter's Law into account. 5334% 5335Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. 5336 -- Rex Reed 5337% 5338 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's 5339willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop 5340for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say 5341"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home 5342centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas 5343trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise 5344because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every 5345object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ... 5346 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the 5347broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has 5348a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the 5349inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the 5350same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at 5351an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of 5352these sometime around the middle of next week". 5353 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 5354% 5355Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories: 5356The ultimate in watchdog weaponry. 5357 -- Chris Shaw 5358% 5359Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. 5360% 5361Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. 5362 -- F. M. Hubbard 5363% 5364Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." 5365% 5366Honk if you love peace and quiet. 5367% 5368Honorable, adj.: 5369 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative 5370bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the 5371honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." 5372 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5373% 5374Horngren's Observation: 5375 Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 5376% 5377Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on 5378people. 5379 -- W. C. Fields 5380% 5381Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. 5382% 5383Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. 5384 -- Neil Armstrong 5385% 5386How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? 5387% 5388How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? 5389% 5390How come wrong numbers are never busy? 5391% 5392How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows. 5393% 5394How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? 5395 -- Elliot, "E.T." 5396% 5397How doth the little crocodile 5398 Improve his shining tail, 5399And pour the waters of the Nile 5400 On every golden scale! 5401 5402How cheerfully he seems to grin, 5403 How neatly spreads his claws, 5404And welcomes little fishes in, 5405 With gently smiling jaws! 5406 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" 5407% 5408How doth the VAX's C compiler 5409Improve its object code. 5410And even as we speak does it 5411Increase the system load. 5412 5413How patiently it seems to run 5414And spit out error flags, 5415While users, with frustration, all 5416Tear their clothes to rags. 5417% 5418How I love to watch the morn, 5419 With golden sun that shines, 5420Up above to nicely warm 5421 These frosty toes of mine. 5422 5423The wind doth taste so bitter sweet, 5424 Like Jaspar wine and sugar, 5425It must have blown through someone's feet, 5426 Like those of ... Caspar Weinberger. 5427 -- P. Opus (Bloom County) 5428% 5429How doth the VAX's C-compiler 5430Improve its object code. 5431And even as we speak does it 5432Increase the system load. 5433 5434How patiently it seems to run 5435And spit out error flags, 5436While users, with frustration, all 5437Tear all their clothes to rags. 5438% 5439How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're 5440on. 5441% 5442How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5443None: "We'll fix it in software." 5444 5445How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5446None: "We'll document it in the manual." 5447 5448How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5449None: "The user can work it out." 5450% 5451How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being 5452carried by a waiter at a nice party? 5453 5454Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors 5455d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell 5456what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then 5457say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it 5458back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another 5459cheese!" and so on. 5460 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 5461% 5462 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 54633.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, 5464who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a 5465nanocentury. 5466 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs 5467% 5468How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? 5469 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey 5470% 5471How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. 5472% 5473HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 5474 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces. 5475% 5476HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 5477 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you. 5478% 5479HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 5480 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of you. 5481% 5482Howe's Law: 5483 Everyone has a scheme that will not work. 5484% 5485However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional 5486manner ... sulking and nausea. 5487 -- Tom K. Ryan 5488% 5489HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., 5490motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate 5491amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. 5492The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the 5493Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the 5494bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on 5495the bill. Agreed to. 5496 -- Albuquerque Journal 5497% 5498 Hug O' War 5499 5500I will not play at tug o' war. 5501I'd rather play at hug o' war, 5502Where everyone hugs 5503Instead of tugs, 5504Where everyone giggles 5505And rolls on the rug, 5506Where everyone kisses, 5507And everyone grins, 5508And everyone cuddles, 5509And everyone wins. 5510 -- Shel Silverstein 5511% 5512Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. 5513% 5514Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 55151929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an 5516operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a urethral 5517catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of 5518his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took 5519the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the 5520Nobel Prize. 5521% 5522Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. 5523% 5524Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse. 5525 -- William Gilbert 5526% 5527Hurewitz's Memory Principle: 5528 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional 5529to ..... to ........ uh .............. 5530% 5531I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a 5532professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any 5533other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. 5534 -- Richard M. Nixon 5535 5536What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? 5537 -- Richard M. Nixon 5538% 5539I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder 5540have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products. 5541This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's 5542reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go 5543buy some more. 5544 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM 5545% 5546I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work. 5547% 5548I am not an Economist. I am an honest man! 5549 -- Paul McCracken 5550% 5551I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger. 5552 -- Gloria Steinem 5553% 5554I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. 5555 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 5556% 5557I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it. 5558 -- English Professor 5559% 5560I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the 5561great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. 5562 -- Winston Churchill 5563% 5564I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone 5565has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. 5566 -- English Professor, Ohio University 5567% 5568I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast 5569with an option to buy. 5570% 5571I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. 5572% 5573I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, 5574of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell 5575you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial 5576atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something 5577inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. 5578 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan 5579% 5580I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of 5581the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for 5582you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway. 5583 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, 5584 University of Tennessee at Knoxville 5585% 5586I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an 5587argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and 5588steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, 5589they don't even invite me. 5590 -- Dave Barry 5591% 5592I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. 5593 -- G. K. Chesterton 5594% 5595I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. 5596 -- Will Rogers 5597% 5598I bet the human brain is a kludge. 5599 -- Marvin Minsky 5600% 5601I brake for chezlogs! 5602% 5603I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. 5604 -- Biff Barf 5605% 5606I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan 5607prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very 5608bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after 5609relentless day. 5610 -- Betty MacDonald 5611% 5612I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 5613% 5614I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 561525 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be 5616true. 5617 -- Harry S. Truman 5618% 5619I can resist anything but temptation. 5620% 5621I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. 5622 -- Joe Walsh 5623% 5624I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling. 5625 -- Florence Henderson 5626% 5627I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can 5628understand it. 5629 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands. 5630% 5631I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a 5632novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. 5633 -- Fred Allen 5634% 5635I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. 5636 -- Lillian Hellman 5637% 5638I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate 5639of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... 5640 -- F. H. Wales (1936) 5641% 5642I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. 5643 5644What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good 5645grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause 5646of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the 5647United States would have lost World War II." 5648 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar" 5649% 5650 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a 5651quavering voice. 5652 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of 5653course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which 5654I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in 5655Elven-lore: 5656 5657 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, 5658 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. 5659 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, 5660 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. 5661 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. 5662 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. 5663 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. 5664 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." 5665 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 5666% 5667I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights 5668instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is 5669standing still ... 5670 -- Steven Wright 5671% 5672I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather 5673dance with the cows till you come home. 5674 -- Groucho Marx 5675% 5676I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps 5677the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ... 5678 -- Peter Oakley 5679% 5680I didn't know it was impossible when I did it. 5681% 5682I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The 5683curtain was up. 5684% 5685 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because 5686we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently 5687leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, 5688in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had 5689time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the 5690library, we could call each other up: 5691 5692 You: Hello? Bob? 5693 Bob: Yes? 5694 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you 5695 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? 5696 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? 5697 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: 5698 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. 5699 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill 5700 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto 5701 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to 5702 have to get back to you. 5703 Bob: Fine. 5704 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 5705% 5706I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an 5707exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to 5708minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary 5709accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a 5710mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the 5711bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always 5712different. 5713 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.) 5714% 5715I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. 5716 -- Isaac Asimov 5717% 5718I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us 5719with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use. 5720 -- Galileo Galilei 5721% 5722I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should. 5723 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 5724% 5725I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians 5726don't believe in astrology. 5727 -- James R. F. Quirk 5728% 5729I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just 5730a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more 5731numbers!! 5732% 5733I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of 5734a frog jumping on my Breakfast. 5735 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82 5736% 5737I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the 5738nominating. 5739 -- Boss Tweed 5740% 5741I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. 5742 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 5743% 5744I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of 5745people waiting to abuse me. 5746 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" 5747% 5748I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. 5749 -- Elvis Presley 5750% 5751 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said 5752 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- 5753till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for 5754you!'" 5755 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice 5756objected. 5757 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful 5758tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor 5759less." 5760 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean 5761so many different things." 5762 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- 5763that's all." 5764 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 5765% 5766I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd 5767eat it, and I just hate it. 5768 -- Clarence Darrow 5769% 5770I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. 5771 -- Ronald Mabbitt 5772% 5773I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the 5774streets and frighten the horses. 5775 -- Victor Hugo 5776% 5777I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!? 5778% 5779"I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished. 5780% 5781I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other 5782hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out. 5783% 5784I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that 5785the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is 5786thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists 5787broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. 5788Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off 5789their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ... 5790 -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE 5791 COMING!" 5792% 5793I doubt, therefore I might be. 5794% 5795I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business 5796on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment 5797he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual 5798becoming, with a goal in front and not behind. 5799 -- George Bernard Shaw 5800% 5801I drink to make other people interesting. 5802 -- George Jean Nathan 5803% 5804I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, 5805so I woke up from sheer boredom. 5806% 5807I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the 5808accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For 5809the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that 5810can't be measured in monetary terms. 5811 5812Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have 5813that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by 5814subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should 5815someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly 5816understand his long delay. 5817% 5818I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words. 5819% 5820I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very 5821reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment. 5822 -- Gautama Buddha 5823% 5824I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________horrifying* 20 5825minutes of my life! 5826% 5827I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. 5828 -- Mae West 5829% 5830I get up each morning, gather my wits. 5831 Pick up the paper, read the obits. 5832If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 5833 So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 5834% 5835I get up each morning, gather my wits. 5836Pick up the paper, read the obits. 5837If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 5838So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 5839 5840Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? 5841My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. 5842But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, 5843And think of the places my get-up has been. 5844 -- Pete Seeger 5845% 5846I had this sudden vision of a klein pizza containing all the mozarella 5847in the world. 5848 -- Peter da Silva 5849% 5850I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler 5851Moore show I heard the word 'damn'! 5852 -- Mary Lou Bax 5853% 5854I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense. 5855% 5856I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means 5857it's going to be up all night. 5858 -- Steven Wright 5859% 5860I hate quotations. 5861 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 5862% 5863I have a simple philosophy: 5864 5865 Fill what's empty. 5866 Empty what's full. 5867 Scratch where it itches. 5868 -- A. R. Longworth 5869% 5870I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it 5871any time! 5872% 5873I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, 5874which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'. 5875 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 5876% 5877I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth 5878and they never believe me. 5879 -- Camillo Di Cavour 5880% 5881I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. 5882 -- Edgar Allan Poe 5883% 5884I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You 5885sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an 5886eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I 5887have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of 5888beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a 5889guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more 5890of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry. 5891 -- President Harry S. Truman 5892% 5893I have learned 5894To spell hors d'oeuvres 5895Which still grates on 5896Some people's n'oeuvres. 5897 -- Warren Knox 5898% 5899I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming 5900that I have never made one. 5901 -- James Gordon Bennett 5902% 5903I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to 5904make it shorter. 5905 -- Blaise Pascal 5906% 5907I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole 5908____BODY! 5909 -- from "Cerebus" #82 5910% 5911I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. 5912 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 5913% 5914I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. 5915 -- Oscar Wilde 5916% 5917I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it 5918scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it. 5919 -- Steven Wright 5920% 5921I have to convince you, or at least snow you ... 5922 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 5923% 5924I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking 5925his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell 5926beating up a child. 5927 -- Steven Wright 5928% 5929I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked 5930at in the right way, did not become still more complicated. 5931 -- Poul Anderson 5932% 5933I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. 5934% 5935I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. 5936% 5937I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! 5938% 5939I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. 5940 -- Bill Hoest 5941% 5942I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once. 5943% 5944I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World 5945War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. 5946 -- Albert Einstein 5947% 5948I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! 5949The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building. 5950 -- Charles Schulz 5951% 5952I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. 5953 -- Art Leo 5954% 5955I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to 5956promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want 5957peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of 5958the way and let them have it. 5959 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 5960% 5961I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours. 5962% 5963I like your game but we have to change the rules. 5964% 5965I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what 5966entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils. 5967 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson 5968% 5969"I love to eat them Smurfies 5970 Smurfies what I love to eat 5971 Bite they ugly heads off, 5972 Nibble on they bluish feet." 5973% 5974I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but 5975don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the 5976speed of light. 5977 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk 5978% 5979I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. 5980 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 5981% 5982I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a 5983week sometimes to make it up. 5984 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" 5985% 5986I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts 5987% 5988I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do 5989was to go away. 5990% 5991I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. 5992% 5993I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. 5994 -- G. B. Shaw 5995% 5996I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis! 5997 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus) 5998% 5999I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the 6000kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled 6001substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no 6002restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we 6003made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given 6004powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative 6005nerve disease. 6006 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 6007% 6008I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow! 6009% 6010I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. 6011 -- William F. Buckley 6012% 6013 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of 6014that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put 6015more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it 6016might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not 6017otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be 6018otherwise.'" 6019 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" 6020% 6021I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that 6022the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional 6023congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile 6024so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the 6025plumber. 6026 6027But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such 6028as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of 6029the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never 6030win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually 6031write about, such as nose-picking. 6032 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 6033 Political Fallout" 6034% 6035I really hate this damned machine 6036I wish that they would sell it. 6037It never does quite what I want 6038But only what I tell it. 6039% 6040I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. 6041% 6042I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope 6043they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em. 6044 -- Will Rogers 6045% 6046I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, 6047I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. 6048Bernoulli would have been content to die 6049Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)! 6050 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 6051% 6052I sent a letter to the fish, 6053I told them, "This is what I wish." 6054The little fishes of the sea, 6055They sent an answer back to me. 6056The little fishes' answer was 6057"We cannot do it, sir, because ..." 6058I sent a letter back to say 6059It would be better to obey. 6060But someone came to me and said 6061"The little fishes are in bed." 6062I said to him, and I said it plain 6063"Then you must wake them up again." 6064I said it very loud and clear, 6065I went and shouted in his ear. 6066But he was very stiff and proud, 6067He said "You needn't shout so loud." 6068And he was very proud and stiff, 6069He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." 6070I took a kettle from the shelf, 6071I went to wake them up myself. 6072But when I found the door was locked 6073I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, 6074And when I found the door was shut, 6075I tried to turn the handle, But ... 6076 6077 "Is that all?" asked Alice. 6078 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." 6079 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 6080% 6081I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. 6082 -- Graffito in Los Angeles 6083% 6084"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was 6085supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which 6086actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..." 6087 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning 6088 Points in l'Amour" 6089% 6090I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full 6091house and four people died. 6092 -- Steven Wright 6093% 6094I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to 6095see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. 6096 -- Shirley Temple 6097% 6098I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do 6099too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which 6100direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After 6101much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot 6102tub to face is up. 6103 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 6104% 6105I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3 6106because I couldn't remember the proof. 6107 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a 6108% 6109I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. 6110% 6111I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick 6112and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this 6113country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people 6114in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly 6115not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. 6116 -- Monty Python 6117% 6118I think that I shall never see 6119A billboard lovely as a tree. 6120Perhaps, unless the billboards fall 6121I'll never see a tree at all. 6122 -- Ogden Nash 6123% 6124I think that I shall never see 6125A thing as lovely as a tree. 6126But as you see the trees have gone 6127They went this morning with the dawn. 6128A logging firm from out of town 6129Came and chopped the trees all down. 6130But I will trick those dirty skunks 6131And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'. 6132% 6133I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple 6134to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the 6135farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light 6136into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from 6137the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing 6138off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the 6139color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on 6140out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars 6141singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors. 6142 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club 6143% 6144I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown 6145... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think 6146we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. 6147When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we 6148are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was 6149driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa 6150Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin, 6151were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous 6152conversation ... 6153 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 6154% 6155"I thought you were trying to get into shape." 6156"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle." 6157% 6158 ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a 6159pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises! 6160 -- Winston Churchill 6161% 6162I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in 6163twenty minutes. It's about Russia. 6164 -- Woody Allen 6165% 6166I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure. 6167% 6168I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance. 6169% 6170I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. 6171% 6172I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my 6173body. Then I realized who was telling me this. 6174 -- Emo Phillips 6175% 6176I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere 6177near the place. 6178 -- Steven Wright 6179% 6180I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to 6181animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for 6182anything connected with society except that which makes the roads 6183safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women 6184warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer. 6185 -- Brendan Behan 6186% 6187I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St. 6188Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE 6189HAW"!!' 6190 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County" 6191% 6192I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know 6193anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is 6194a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows 6195up. 6196 -- Will Rogers 6197% 6198I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I 6199put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured 6200what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I 6201should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to 6202get off my driveway. 6203 -- Steven Wright 6204% 6205I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I 6206didn't know. 6207 -- Mark Twain 6208% 6209I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending 6210their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to 6211buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike. 6212 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay 6213% 6214I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full 6215house and four people died. 6216 -- Steven Wright 6217% 6218I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything specific. 6219 -- Steven Wright 6220% 6221I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained 6222it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass 6223stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. 6224I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be 6225absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had 6226developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. 6227Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's 6228temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I 6229chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to 6230the point where it would not run at all. 6231 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black 6232 Holes and the Fate of Stars" 6233% 6234I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any 6235questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the 6236speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? 6237 6238He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work 6239for him then. 6240 -- Steven Wright 6241% 6242I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in 6243the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't 6244included. 6245 -- Steven Wright 6246% 6247I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the 6248statues that are in all the other museums. 6249 -- Steven Wright 6250% 6251I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that 6252it took seven others to beat him! 6253% 6254I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. 6255There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work. 6256 -- Gallagher 6257% 6258I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've 6259always worked for me. 6260 -- Hunter S. Thompson 6261% 6262I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. 6263% 6264I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got 6265to undo it. 6266% 6267I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat. 6268% 6269I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore. 6270% 6271I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in `Y.' 6272% 6273I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender. 6274% 6275I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door. 6276% 6277I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from 6278Julian to Gregorian. 6279% 6280I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for 6281static cling. 6282% 6283I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered. 6284% 6285I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my 6286cottage cheese sculpture. 6287% 6288I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving. 6289% 6290I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. 6291% 6292I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night. 6293% 6294I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV. 6295% 6296I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back. 6297% 6298I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay tuned. 6299% 6300I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that 6301need worrying about. 6302% 6303I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. 6304% 6305I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, 6306carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, 6307I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun. 6308 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H 6309% 6310I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd 6311listen to it! 6312 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire 6313% 6314I'll grant thee random access to my heart, 6315Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; 6316And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove 6317And in our bound partition never part. 6318 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 6319% 6320I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. 6321That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood. 6322 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones] 6323% 6324I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from man. 6325% 6326I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me! 6327% 6328I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister. 6329% 6330I'm changing my name to Chrysler 6331I'm going down to Washington, D.C. 6332I'll tell some power broker 6333 What they did for Iacocca 6334Will be perfectly acceptable to me! 6335I'm changing my name to Chrysler, 6336I'm heading for that great receiving line. 6337When they hand a million grand out, 6338 I'll be standing with my hand out, 6339Yessir, I'll get mine! 6340 -- Tom Paxton 6341% 6342I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. 6343% 6344I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to 6345die in. 6346 -- George McGovern 6347% 6348I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. 6349 -- Fred Allen 6350% 6351I'm going to live forever, or die trying! 6352 -- Spider Robinson 6353% 6354... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a 6355KOSHER DELI!! 6356% 6357I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? 6358 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate 6359% 6360I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be 6361living apart. 6362 -- e. e. cummings 6363% 6364I'm N-ary the tree, I am, 6365N-ary the tree, I am, I am. 6366I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, 6367She's traversed me seven times before. 6368And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) 6369Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) 6370I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. 6371N-ary the tree I am, I am, 6372N-ary the tree I am. 6373% 6374I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. 6375It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. 6376% 6377I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life. 6378% 6379I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is 6380-- I could be just as proud for half the money. 6381 -- Arthur Godfrey 6382% 6383I'm rated PG-34!! 6384% 6385I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL 6386soon ... 6387% 6388I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it 6389(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage. 6390 -- English Professor, Providence College 6391% 6392I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, 6393I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; 6394In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, 6395I am the very model of a modern Major-General. 6396 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance" 6397% 6398I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's lives 6399% 6400I've built a better model than the one at Data General 6401For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral 6402My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; 6403My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. 6404My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, 6405You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; 6406There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; 6407My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. 6408 6409I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: 6410There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, 6411Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral 6412I've built a better model than the one at Data General. 6413 6414 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of 6415 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance", 6416 by Gilbert & Sullivan) 6417% 6418I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand. 6419% 6420I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was 6421this little hole in the bottom ... 6422 -- John Croll 6423% 6424I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. 6425% 6426I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. 6427 -- Groucho Marx 6428% 6429I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes 6430on the same day. 6431% 6432I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer. 6433% 6434I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer. 6435 -- Senator Claghorn 6436% 6437I've seen Sun monitors on fire off the side of the multimedia lab. 6438I've seen NTU lights glitter in the dark near the Mail Gate. 6439All these things will be lost in time, like the root partition last week. 6440Time to die... 6441 -- Peter Gutmann 6442% 6443I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; 6444And from that full meridian of my glory 6445I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, 6446Like a bright exhalation in the evening 6447And no man see me more. 6448 -- William Shakespeare 6449% 6450IBM had a PL/I, 6451 Its syntax worse than JOSS; 6452And everywhere this language went, 6453 It was a total loss. 6454% 6455Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box 6456of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. 6457% 6458Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like 6459solitary confinement. 6460% 6461Idiot Box, n.: 6462 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the 6463stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. 6464 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 6465% 6466Idiot, n.: 6467 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human 6468affairs has always been dominant and controlling. 6469 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 6470% 6471If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape 6472at about 30 miles/second. 6473 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming 6474% 6475If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. 6476 -- Roy Santoro 6477% 6478If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far. 6479 -- Paul White 6480% 6481If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus 6482forecast is a camel's behind. 6483 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 6484% 6485If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z. _X is work. _Y 6486is play. _Z is keep your mouth shut. 6487 -- Albert Einstein 6488% 6489If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1 6490passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. 6491 -- T. Cheatham 6492% 6493If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four 6494hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where 6495it votes guilty. 6496 -- Joseph C. Goulden 6497% 6498If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake 6499him up. 6500% 6501If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. 6502% 6503If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have 6504dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to 6505maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it 6506must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. 6507 -- Donald A. Metz 6508% 6509If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good 6510attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to 6511playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- 6512unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager 6513can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry? 6514 -- Sparky Anderson 6515% 6516If all be true that I do think, 6517There be Five Reasons why one should Drink; 6518Good friends, good wine, or being dry, 6519Or lest we should be by-and-by, 6520Or any other reason why. 6521% 6522If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular 6523error. 6524 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 6525% 6526If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot 6527platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave 6528that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska. 6529% 6530If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. 6531 -- Paul Beatty 6532% 6533If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a 6534conclusion. 6535 -- William Baumol 6536% 6537If an S and an I and an O and a U 6538With an X at the end spell Su; 6539And an E and a Y and an E spell I, 6540Pray what is a speller to do? 6541Then, if also an S and an I and a G 6542And an HED spell side, 6543There's nothing much left for a speller to do 6544But to go commit siouxeyesighed. 6545 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" 6546% 6547If anything can go wrong, it will. 6548% 6549If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool. 6550% 6551If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 6552% 6553If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four 6554tellers? 6555% 6556If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television? 6557% 6558If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? 6559% 6560If everybody minded their own business, the world would go 6561around a deal faster. 6562 -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass" 6563% 6564If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. 6565% 6566... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with 6567the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls 6568asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ... 6569 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 6570% 6571If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three 6572to a can. 6573% 6574If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. 6575% 6576If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. 6577% 6578If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears. 6579% 6580If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads. 6581% 6582If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with 6583green, baggy skin. 6584% 6585If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. 6586% 6587If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to 6588invent it. 6589% 6590If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger 6591hands. 6592% 6593If God is dead, who will save the Queen? 6594% 6595If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? 6596% 6597If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows. 6598 -- Yiddish saying 6599% 6600If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? 6601 -- Marvin Kitman 6602% 6603If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be 6604replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET! 6605% 6606If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! 6607 -- Samuel Goldwyn 6608% 6609If I don't drive around the park, 6610I'm pretty sure to make my mark. 6611If I'm in bed each night by ten, 6612I may get back my looks again. 6613If I abstain from fun and such, 6614I'll probably amount to much; 6615But I shall stay the way I am, 6616Because I do not give a damn. 6617 -- Dorothy Parker 6618% 6619If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture. 6620% 6621If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the 6622plantation and go home. 6623 -- Eugene P. Gallagher 6624% 6625If I had any humility I would be perfect. 6626 -- Ted Turner 6627% 6628If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. 6629 -- Albert Einstein 6630% 6631If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the 6632shoulders of giants. 6633 -- Isaac Newton 6634 6635In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side 6636with the giants on whose shoulders we stand. 6637 -- Gerald Holton 6638 6639If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing 6640on my shoulders. 6641 -- Hal Abelson 6642 6643In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. 6644 -- Brian K. Reid 6645% 6646If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. 6647 6648On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is 6649also a psychological interaction. 6650 6651The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so 6652friendly. 6653 6654The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. 6655 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 6656% 6657If I traveled to the end of the rainbow 6658As Dame Fortune did intend, 6659Murphy would be there to tell me 6660The pot's at the other end. 6661 -- Bert Whitney 6662% 6663If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? 6664% 6665If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. 6666% 6667If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. 6668They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun 6669of it. 6670 -- Thomas Carlyle 6671% 6672If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they 6673forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll 6674just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. 6675And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* 6676pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! 6677And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and 6678think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to 6679receive Net Mail ... 6680 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom 6681% 6682If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. 6683% 6684If little else, the brain is an educational toy. 6685 -- Tom Robbins 6686% 6687If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women 6688you've got in the house. 6689 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 6690% 6691If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by 6692the page number. 6693% 6694If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. 6695% 6696If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think 6697little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and 6698Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. 6699 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) 6700% 6701If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. 6702 -- Albert Einstein 6703% 6704If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit 6705in my name at a Swiss bank. 6706 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 6707% 6708If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. 6709% 6710If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without 6711having to accomplish anything. 6712% 6713If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, 6714he should see how bad it is with representation. 6715% 6716If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of 6717arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the 6718physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker 6719entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. 6720 -- Vannevar Bush 6721% 6722If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied 6723harder. 6724 -- Pope John Paul I 6725% 6726If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem. 6727 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234 6728% 6729If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would 6730presumably flunk it. 6731 -- Stanley Garn 6732% 6733If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. 6734 -- Norm Schryer 6735% 6736If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to 6737get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. 6738See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving 6739the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting 6740that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The 6741college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious 6742and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to 6743rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. 6744Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure 6745interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by 6746opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for 6747himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for 6748boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. 6749 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 6750% 6751If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me! 6752 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) 6753% 6754If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances 6755are 50-50 it will. 6756% 6757If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. 6758If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. 6759If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance 6760will exceed all expectations. 6761 -- Reverend Chichester 6762% 6763If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. 6764% 6765If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that 6766will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. 6767% 6768If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? 6769 -- Art Hoppe 6770% 6771If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make 6772something out of you. 6773 -- Muhammad Ali 6774% 6775If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. 6776% 6777If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. 6778% 6779If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? 6780% 6781If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was 6782yesterday? 6783% 6784If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is 6785doing the thinking. 6786 -- Lyndon Baines Johnson 6787% 6788If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. 6789 -- Laurence J. Peter 6790% 6791If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely 6792% 6793If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage. 6794% 6795If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel 6796in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary 6797qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. 6798 -- Marguerite Emmons 6799% 6800If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? 6801 -- Ann Edwards-Duff 6802% 6803If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. 6804 -- J. Paul Getty 6805% 6806If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. 6807% 6808If you can read this, you're too close. 6809% 6810If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. 6811% 6812If you can't be good, be careful. 6813If you can't be careful, give me a call. 6814% 6815If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. 6816% 6817If you cannot convince them, confuse them. 6818 -- Harry S. Truman 6819% 6820If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? 6821% 6822If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. 6823% 6824If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. 6825 -- Clarence Day 6826% 6827If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter. 6828 -- Freeman Dyson 6829% 6830If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little 6831Lavoris in the toilet. 6832 -- Jay Leno 6833% 6834If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to 6835either of you for the rest of the day. 6836% 6837If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to 6838have to get a toehold in the public eye. 6839% 6840If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody 6841will. 6842% 6843If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it 6844will always do it. 6845 -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin 6846% 6847If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is 6848make the rubble bounce. 6849 -- Winston Churchill 6850% 6851If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous. 6852% 6853If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. 6854% 6855If you have to hate, hate gently. 6856% 6857If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to 6858boot yourself in the posterior. 6859 -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press" 6860% 6861If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. 6862% 6863If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. 6864 -- Graham Summer 6865% 6866If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few 6867people die past the age of a hundred. 6868 -- George Burns 6869% 6870If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; 6871but if you really make them think they'll hate you. 6872% 6873If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. 6874 -- Maslow 6875% 6876If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure 6877can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly 6878develop. 6879% 6880If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite 6881you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. 6882 -- Mark Twain 6883% 6884If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, 6885you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get 6886ice, but no cup. 6887% 6888If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But 6889this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is 6890somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it. 6891% 6892If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're 6893the sucker. 6894% 6895If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair. 6896% 6897If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. 6898 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard 6899% 6900If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens 6901tomorrow! 6902% 6903If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car 6904payments. 6905 -- Earl Wilson 6906% 6907If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. 6908 -- Arthur Kasspe 6909% 6910If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest 6911shopping center in the world? 6912 -- Richard M. Nixon 6913% 6914If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would 6915be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call 6916you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw 6917another party next year. 6918 6919What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up 6920several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've 6921been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to 6922avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning 6923parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from 6924having another one ... 6925 6926If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless 6927your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas 6928through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure 6929that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting 6930someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ... 6931 -- Dave Barry 6932% 6933If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them 6934end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. 6935 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten" 6936% 6937If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything. 6938 -- A. L. 6939% 6940If you want divine justice, die. 6941 -- Nick Seldon 6942% 6943If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people 6944he gave it to. 6945 -- Dorothy Parker 6946% 6947If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the 6948Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's 6949statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington 6950telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with 6951titles beginning with the word "National". 6952 -- George Will 6953% 6954If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every 6955word you say, talk in your sleep. 6956% 6957If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some 6958memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, 6959even if they don't know what it means. 6960 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party" 6961% 6962If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one. 6963% 6964If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for 6965tomorrow morning, sleep late. 6966 -- Henny Youngman 6967% 6968If you're happy, you're successful. 6969% 6970 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs 6971around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace 6972explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The 6973"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and 6974deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the 6975better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random 6976with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives 6977you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a 6978successful campaign for the U.S. Senate. 6979 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. 6980You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How 6981difficult can it be?" 6982 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, 6983which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying 6984other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up 6985yourself for far less money. This article can help you. 6986 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 6987% 6988If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. 6989% 6990If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. 6991 -- Benjamin Disraeli 6992% 6993If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? 6994% 6995If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it 6996off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe? 6997% 6998If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. 6999 -- Ronald Reagan 7000% 7001Ignisecond, n.: 7002 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car 7003door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" 7004 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 7005% 7006Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux 7007 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, 7008Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex, 7009 Et le m^omerade horgrave. 7010 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 7011% 7012Iles's Law: 7013 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly 7014at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. 7015Neither will Iles. 7016% 7017Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the 7018land He's trying to ignore. 7019% 7020Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. 7021 -- Jules de Gaultier 7022% 7023Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the 7024usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody 7025thinks of complaining. 7026 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal 7027% 7028Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has 7029a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk 7030storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on 7031voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. 7032What's the first question that the computer community asks? 7033 7034"Is it PC compatible?" 7035% 7036Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. 7037 -- Jack Paar 7038% 7039Immortality -- a fate worse than death. 7040 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 7041% 7042Impartial, adj.: 7043 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from 7044espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two 7045conflicting opinions. 7046 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7047% 7048Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the 7049mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the 7050Boss is reading it. 7051% 7052Impossible, adj.: 7053 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve; 7054 (2) I can't be bothered; 7055 (3) God can't be bothered. 7056Meaning (3) may perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck. 7057 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 7058% 7059In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of 7060stairs. 7061% 7062In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles. 7063% 7064In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't 7065get parts. 7066% 7067In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The 7068creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across. 7069% 7070In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred 7071syrup. 7072% 7073In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only 7074we can't control when the five year period will begin. 7075% 7076 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, 7077junior, what are you up to?" 7078 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the 7079rabbit. 7080 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" 7081 "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the 7082rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied 7083expression on his face. 7084 Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" 7085 "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits 7086devour wolves." 7087 "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" 7088 "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes 7089out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. 7090Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody 7091should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting 7092next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. 7093 7094The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- 7095it's your PhD advisor that really counts. 7096% 7097In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth" 7098Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex. 7099 -- Frank Mankiewicz 7100% 7101In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, 7102"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man." 7103 -- Mark Twain 7104% 7105In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground 7106with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call 7107this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf. 7108% 7109In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so 7110sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All 7111those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the 7112devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up 7113as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you. 7114 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 7115% 7116In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one 7117of the risks he takes. 7118 -- Adlai Stevenson 7119% 7120In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own 7121incompetency 7122 -- The Peter Principle 7123% 7124In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) 7125are to be treated as variables. 7126% 7127In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of 7128nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. 7129 -- Stuart Keate 7130% 7131In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own 7132at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. 7133% 7134In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs. 7135% 7136In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools 7137will be temporarily canceled. 7138% 7139In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and 7140make it better. 7141% 7142In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle 7143a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order 7144to get her attention. 7145% 7146In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride 7147in any motor vehicle. 7148% 7149In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. 7150 -- Winston Churchill, of Montgomery 7151% 7152In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door 7153neighbor. 7154% 7155In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. 7156% 7157In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last 7158resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but 7159inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. 7160 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7161% 7162In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our 7163programming languages. 7164% 7165In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on 7166the sidewalks when a concert is on. 7167% 7168In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come 7169into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish 7170between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which 7171will only make it mushy. 7172 -- Mark Twain 7173% 7174In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your 7175pocket. 7176% 7177In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any 7178pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while 7179either flying or waiting to board a plane. 7180% 7181In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless 7182there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red 7183flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. 7184% 7185In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as 7186to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the 7187speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00. 7188% 7189In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the 7190universe. 7191 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos 7192% 7193In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, 7194intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from 7195the cares of office. 7196 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7197% 7198In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds 7199and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane. 7200% 7201In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying 7202of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public 7203view." 7204% 7205In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space 7206Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. 7207Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, 7208We shall encounter, counting, face to face. 7209 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 7210% 7211In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that 7212is over six feet in length. 7213% 7214In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. 7215 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 7216% 7217In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian. 7218% 7219In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's. 7220% 7221In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a 7222moving automobile. 7223% 7224[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You 7225could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense 7226that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ... 7227 7228And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory 7229over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we 7230didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no 7231point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; 7232we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave .... 7233 7234So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in 7235Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost 7236___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and 7237rolled back. 7238 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 7239% 7240In the beginning was the word. 7241But by the time the second word was added to it, 7242there was trouble. 7243For with it came syntax ... 7244 -- John Simon 7245% 7246In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat 7247hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am 7248training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the 7249net wired randomly?", asked Minsky. "I do not want it to have any 7250preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes. "Why do you 7251close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher. "So the room will be 7252empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. 7253% 7254In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in 7255the proper order then why can't he? 7256% 7257In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful 7258Dead. 7259 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead 7260% 7261In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. 7262 -- Alan Perlis 7263% 7264In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or 7265a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it 7266to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by 7267forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you 7268stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit 7269punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong 7270enough to punch you. 7271 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 7272% 7273In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has 7274shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the 7275Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million 7276three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years 7277from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. 7278... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such 7279wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of 7280fact. 7281 -- Mark Twain 7282% 7283In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to 7284drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at 7285discotheques. 7286 -- Art Linkletter 7287% 7288In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take 7289my advice. 7290 -- Winston Churchill 7291% 7292In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without 7293the supervision of a licensed engineer. 7294% 7295In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse 7296along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months. 7297% 7298Incumbent, n.: 7299 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. 7300 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7301% 7302... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves 7303smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is 7304not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery. 7305 -- Stephen Crane 7306% 7307Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? 7308% 7309Individualists unite! 7310% 7311Infancy, n.: 7312 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven 7313lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon 7314afterward. 7315 -- Ambrose Bierce 7316% 7317Information Center, n.: 7318 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is 7319to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. 7320% 7321Ingrate, n.: 7322 A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of 7323indigestion. 7324% 7325Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. 7326 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 7327% 7328Ink, n.: 7329 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and 7330water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote 7331intellectual crime. 7332 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7333% 7334Innovation is hard to schedule. 7335 -- Dan Fylstra 7336% 7337Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. 7338% 7339Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the 7340salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. 7341% 7342Interpreter, n.: 7343 One who enables two persons of different languages to 7344understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to 7345the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. 7346 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7347% 7348Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure. 7349% 7350I/O, I/O, 7351It's off to disk I go, 7352A bit or byte to read or write, 7353I/O, I/O, I/O 7354% 7355 INVENTORY 7356Four be the things I am wiser to know: 7357Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. 7358 7359Four be the things I'd been better without: 7360Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. 7361 7362Three be the things I shall never attain: 7363Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. 7364 7365Three be the things I shall have till I die: 7366Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. 7367% 7368Iron Law of Distribution: 7369 Them that has, gets. 7370% 7371Irrationality is the square root of all evil 7372 -- Douglas Hofstadter 7373% 7374Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is 7375meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a 7376soap bubble? 7377% 7378Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the 7379beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get 7380out, and such as are out wish to get in? 7381 -- Ralph Emerson 7382% 7383Is your job running? You'd better go catch it! 7384% 7385Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction 7386listen to weather forecasts and economists? 7387 -- Kelvin Throop III 7388% 7389Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune 7390tellers take economists seriously? 7391% 7392Issawi's Laws of Progress: 7393 7394 The Course of Progress: 7395 Most things get steadily worse. 7396 7397 The Path of Progress: 7398 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. 7399% 7400It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working 7401as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he 7402had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked, 7403"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed 7404Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival 7405came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer 7406this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the 7407Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so. 7408To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's 7409your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked, 7410"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" 7411% 7412It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown 7413came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and 7414applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I 7415think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the 7416wits, who believe that it is a joke. 7417 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 7418% 7419It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is 7420thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have 7421drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. 7422 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7423% 7424It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself 7425that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that 7426one can learn." 7427 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman 7428% 7429It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have 7430been searching for evidence which could support this. 7431 -- Bertrand Russell 7432% 7433It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 7434% 7435It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to 7436program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in 7437organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be 7438self-critical? 7439 -- Alan Perlis 7440% 7441It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of 7442Urbana, Illinois. 7443% 7444It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will 7445not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves 7446and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like 7447mature human beings ... 7448 -- Playboy, January 1983 7449% 7450It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a 7451pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the 7452sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. 7453 -- Voltaire 7454% 7455It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what 7456they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed 7457that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so 7458much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins 7459had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But 7460conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more 7461intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. 7462 7463Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending 7464destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to 7465alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were 7466misinterpreted ... 7467 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 7468% 7469It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be 7470coming up it. 7471 -- Henry Allen 7472% 7473It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? 7474One in a million, perhaps. 7475% 7476It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark 7477% 7478It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three 7479benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never 7480to use either. 7481 -- Mark Twain 7482% 7483It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both 7484incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by 7485twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. 7486 -- Rod Serling 7487% 7488It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is 7489lightly greased. 7490 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 7491% 7492It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its 7493proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community 7494a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to 7495treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the 7496focus of attention, the harder the task. 7497 -- Sydney J. Harris 7498% 7499It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. 7500% 7501It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 7502% 7503It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. 7504% 7505It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because 7506if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of 7507people. 7508 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 7509% 7510It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood 7511Boulevard at one time. 7512% 7513It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia. 7514% 7515It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry 7516a tune. 7517 -- Woody Allen 7518% 7519It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so 7520ingenious. 7521% 7522It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not 7523desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. 7524 -- Woody Allen 7525% 7526It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our 7527offense consists in doubting it. 7528 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson 7529% 7530It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the 7531problem. 7532% 7533It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be 7534privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to 7535corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. 7536 -- George Bernard Shaw 7537% 7538It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. 7539 -- Gore Vidal 7540% 7541It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one 7542damn thing over and over. 7543 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 7544% 7545It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? 7546 -- Elizabeth Carpenter 7547% 7548It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. 7549% 7550It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that 7551virginity could be a virtue. 7552 -- Voltaire 7553% 7554It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their 7555dignity. 7556% 7557It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared 7558to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great. 7559 -- Havelock Ellis 7560% 7561It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to 7562students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential 7563programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of 7564regeneration. 7565 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 7566% 7567It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the 7568lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as 7569high as the eagle? 7570% 7571It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a 7572statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more 7573glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through 7574which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the 7575day, that is the highest of arts. 7576 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" 7577% 7578It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad 7579crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed 7580until the other has gone. 7581% 7582It is the business of little minds to shrink. 7583 -- Carl Sandburg 7584% 7585It is the business of the future to be dangerous. 7586 -- Hawkwind 7587% 7588It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for 7589five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But 7590it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. 7591% 7592It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the 7593future. 7594% 7595It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. 7596% 7597It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too 7598good either if you speak when your head is empty. 7599% 7600It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a 7601warning to others. 7602% 7603It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory 7604 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 7605% 7606It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the 7607flag. 7608% 7609It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the 7610municipality. 7611 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio 7612% 7613It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, 7614but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous. 7615 -- Robert Benchly 7616% 7617It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. 7618% 7619It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set foot. 7620% 7621It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a 7622breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was 7623broken ... 7624 -- James Dent 7625% 7626It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps 7627I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I 7628don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and 7629the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual 7630charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its 7631novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but 7632yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable 7633man a lifetime. 7634 -- Thomas Aldrich 7635% 7636 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east 7637laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The 7638thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, 7639nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying 7640for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. 7641 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating 7642under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting 7643icepacks. 7644 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 7645% 7646It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like 7647the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. 7648% 7649It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on 7650the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work. 7651% 7652It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human 7653nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant 7654examples. 7655 -- Charles Dickens 7656% 7657It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing 7658warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or 7659two things still safe to eat. 7660 -- Robert Fuoss 7661% 7662It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. 7663 -- Andrew Jackson 7664% 7665It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear. 7666 -- Cheers 7667% 7668It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. 7669% 7670It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. 7671 -- Steven Wright 7672% 7673"It's a summons." 7674"What's a summons?" 7675"It means summon's in trouble." 7676 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle 7677% 7678It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead. 7679 -- Churchy La Femme 7680% 7681It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black. 7682% 7683It's bad luck to be superstitious. 7684 -- Andrew W. Mathis 7685% 7686It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all. 7687 -- Marty Winch 7688% 7689"It's easier said than done." 7690 7691... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than 7692said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than 7693said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than 7694done". 7695% 7696It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. 7697% 7698It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for 7699being right. 7700% 7701It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour! 7702 -- Macy's 7703% 7704It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse. 7705% 7706It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it 7707is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It 7708isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. 7709 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News" 7710% 7711It's just a jump to the left 7712 And then a step to the right. 7713Put your hands on your hips 7714 And pull your knees in tight. 7715But it's the pelvic thrust 7716 That really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane! 7717 7718 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! 7719 7720 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show 7721% 7722It's kind of fun to do the impossible. 7723 -- Walt Disney 7724% 7725"It's Like This" 7726 7727Even the samurai 7728have teddy bears, 7729and even the teddy bears 7730get drunk. 7731% 7732It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong 7733direction. 7734% 7735It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name. 7736% 7737It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre. 7738 -- Sam Goldwyn 7739% 7740It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how 7741to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair. 7742 -- George Burns 7743% 7744It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. 7745 -- Phil White 7746% 7747It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either. 7748 -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston 7749% 7750It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. 7751 -- Alexander Korda 7752% 7753It's not just a computer -- it's your ass. 7754 -- Cal Keegan 7755% 7756It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's 7757what you're taking for it... 7758% 7759It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off 7760the ground. 7761 -- Daniel B. Luten 7762% 7763It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it 7764happens. 7765 -- Woody Allen 7766% 7767It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips. 7768 -- Garfield 7769% 7770It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that 7771English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many 7772other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. 7773 -- Sydney J. Harris 7774% 7775It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ... 7776% 7777It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. 7778% 7779It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the 7780Devil when he is the only explanation of it. 7781% 7782It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which 7783raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody 7784not to. 7785 -- Franklin P. Jones 7786% 7787It's the thought, if any, that counts! 7788% 7789 JACK AND THE BEANSTACK 7790 by Mark Isaak 7791 7792 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL 7793character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their 7794hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices 7795are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some 7796BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it 7797to him. 7798 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, 7799he met the traveling salesman. 7800 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman 7801in high-level language. 7802 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips 7803and Apples," commented Jack. 7804 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue 7805there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." 7806 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when 7807he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she 7808started thrashing. 7809 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these 7810kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the 7811window ... 7812% 7813Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: 7814 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the 7815legislature is in session. 7816% 7817James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total 7818indifference to public notice to be universally recognized. 7819 -- Tom Stoppard 7820% 7821Jenkinson's Law: 7822 It won't work. 7823% 7824Jesus Saves, 7825Moses Invests, 7826But only Buddha pays Dividends. 7827% 7828Job Placement, n.: 7829 Telling your boss what he can do with your job. 7830% 7831Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! 7832% 7833Johnson's First Law: 7834 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the 7835most inconvenient possible time. 7836% 7837Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called 7838"Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do 7839anything loses. 7840% 7841Join the march to save individuality! 7842% 7843Jone's Law: 7844 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone 7845to blame it on. 7846% 7847Jone's Motto: 7848 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. 7849% 7850Jones's First Law: 7851 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of 7852endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction 7853to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their 7854original contribution. 7855% 7856Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac 7857(and nobody cares about it). 7858 -- Bill Joy 6/21/85 7859% 7860Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good 7861solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires 7862one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the 7863winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is 7864because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise 7865mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political 7866motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the 7867whole truth. 7868 -- Stephen R. Schwambach 7869% 7870Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has 7871changed. 7872 -- Irene Peter 7873% 7874Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. 7875% 7876Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he 7877knows what it is. 7878% 7879Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you 7880get a prompt, type like hell. 7881% 7882Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't 7883immune to bullets. 7884 -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who" 7885% 7886Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some 7887of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated? 7888 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US 7889% 7890Just remember, it all started with a mouse. 7891 -- Walt Disney 7892% 7893Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to 7894twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! 7895% 7896`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, 7897 As he landed his crew with care; 7898Supporting each man on the top of the tide 7899 By a finger entwined in his hair. 7900 7901'Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: 7902 That alone should encourage the crew. 7903Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: 7904 What I tell you three times is true.' 7905% 7906Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a 7907faster rat!!! 7908% 7909Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven! 7910 -- Michael J. Wagner 7911% 7912Justice is incidental to law and order. 7913 -- J. Edgar Hoover 7914% 7915Justice, n.: 7916 A decision in your favor. 7917% 7918K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining; 7919 Cobol's wordy and confining; 7920 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them; 7921 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them. 7922 -- The Roguelet's ABC 7923% 7924Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to 7925wear tail lights. 7926% 7927Katz' Law: 7928 Man and nations will act rationally when all other 7929possibilities have been exhausted. 7930% 7931Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. 7932% 7933Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze 7934 - Hellman's Mayonnaise 7935% 7936Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. 7937% 7938Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. 7939% 7940Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee: 7941 (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc 7942 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this 7943 force is technically termed "car suck"). 7944 (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive 7945 than "Watch this!" 7946% 7947Keep your Eye on the Ball, 7948Your Shoulder to the Wheel, 7949Your Nose to the Grindstone, 7950Your Feet on the Ground, 7951Your Head on your Shoulders. 7952Now ... try to get something DONE! 7953% 7954Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most 7955automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the 7956numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the 7957driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the 7958dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know 7959what's wrong." 7960% 7961Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: 7962 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, 7963and parking for the faculty. 7964% 7965Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could 7966travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the 7967original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate 7968teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for 7969grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate 7970teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves. 7971 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" 7972% 7973Kin, n.: 7974 An affliction of the blood 7975% 7976Kinkler's First Law: 7977 Responsibility always exceeds authority. 7978 7979Kinkler's Second Law: 7980 All the easy problems have been solved. 7981% 7982Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack. 7983% 7984Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through 7985any of its streets. 7986% 7987Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. 7988% 7989Kiss your keyboard goodbye! 7990% 7991Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. 7992% 7993Kleptomaniac, n.: 7994 A rich thief. 7995 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7996% 7997Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. 7998% 7999Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. 8000 -- Henry N. Camp 8001% 8002Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): 8003 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. 8004 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 8005% 8006Labor, n.: 8007 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. 8008 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8009% 8010Lackland's Laws: 8011 (1) Never be first. 8012 (2) Never be last. 8013 (3) Never volunteer for anything 8014% 8015Lactomangulation, n.: 8016 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly 8017that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. 8018 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 8019% 8020Ladybug, ladybug, 8021Look to your stern! 8022Your house is on fire, 8023Your children will burn! 8024So jump ye and sing, for 8025The very first time 8026The four lines above 8027Have been put into rhyme. 8028 -- Walt Kelly 8029% 8030Laetrile is the pits 8031% 8032Langsam's Laws: 8033 (1) Everything depends. 8034 (2) Nothing is always. 8035 (3) Everything is sometimes. 8036% 8037Larkinson's Law: 8038 All laws are basically false. 8039% 8040Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with 8041was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting 8042pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the 8043farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their 8044sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do 8045you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? 8046What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead 8047of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under 8048the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops 8049whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which 8050Lassie filed the applications for. 8051 -- Dave Barry 8052% 8053Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment 8054had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to 8055my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?' 8056 -- Steven Wright 8057% 8058Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police 8059record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense 8060of humor. 8061% 8062Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won. 8063% 8064Laugh at your problems; everybody else does. 8065% 8066Laughter is the closest distance between two people." 8067 -- Victor Borge 8068% 8069Law of Communications: 8070 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications 8071between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of 8072misunderstanding. 8073% 8074Law of Probable Dispersal: 8075 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly 8076distributed. 8077% 8078Law of Selective Gravity: 8079 An object will fall so as to do the most damage. 8080 8081Jenning's Corollary: 8082 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is 8083directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. 8084 8085Law of the Perversity of Nature: 8086 You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the 8087bread to butter. 8088% 8089Laws of Serendipity: 8090 8091 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for 8092 something. 8093 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already 8094 be engaged in making an inferior one. 8095% 8096Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: 8097 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- 8098approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. 8099% 8100Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. 8101% 8102Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and 8103everything else follows in the same way. 8104 -- Alan J. Perlis 8105% 8106Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 8107% 8108Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the 8109fun? 8110% 8111Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: 8112 "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour 8113unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a 8114drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he 8115can." 8116% 8117Leibowitz's Rule: 8118 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you 8119hold the hammer with both hands. 8120% 8121LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 8122 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are 8123 pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike 8124 honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people 8125 are thieves. 8126% 8127LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 8128 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. 8129 Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because 8130 you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of 8131 fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got 8132 a sick sense of humor. 8133% 8134Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday. 8135% 8136Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a 8137number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash 8138and another number. 8139 -- James Estes 8140% 8141Let us live!!! 8142Let us love!!! 8143Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! 8144 8145You first. 8146% 8147Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every 8148relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you 8149really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the 8150end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the 8151qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and 8152bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind 8153his back. 8154 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn 8155% 8156Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick 8157your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as 8158Mental Anguish. You would sue: 8159 8160* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions 8161 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand 8162 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls 8163 in there". 8164 8165* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious 8166 cretin like yourself. 8167 8168* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this 8169 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you 8170 a large cash settlement anyway. 8171 -- Dave Barry 8172% 8173Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often 8174overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of 8175dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your 8176tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to 8177spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe 8178money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will 8179probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? 8180It's not his money. 8181 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 8182% 8183LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) 8184 8185Dear Sir, 8186 8187I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or 8188to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in 8189public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result 8190in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn 8191will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed 8192agricultural industry. 8193 8194Yours faithfully, 8195 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. 8196 Sevenoaks 8197% 8198Lewis's Law of Travel: 8199 The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to 8200anyone, ever. 8201% 8202Liar, n.: 8203 A lawyer with a roving commission. 8204 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8205% 8206Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. 8207 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick 8208% 8209LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) 8210 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your 8211 desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and 8212 polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that. 8213% 8214LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) 8215 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with 8216 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. 8217 Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most 8218 Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal 8219 disease. 8220% 8221Lie, n.: 8222 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one 8223discovered to date. 8224% 8225Lieberman's Law: 8226 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. 8227% 8228Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. 8229% 8230Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. 8231% 8232Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to 8233eat it nevertheless. 8234 -- Flaubert 8235% 8236Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it. 8237% 8238Life is like a simile. 8239% 8240Life is like an analogy. 8241% 8242Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find 8243there is nothing in it. 8244% 8245Life is too important to take seriously. 8246 -- Corky Siegel 8247% 8248Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of 8249which I disapprove. 8250% 8251Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility. 8252 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie 8253% 8254Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it 8255weren't for other people. 8256 -- Blore 8257% 8258Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. 8259% 8260Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it. 8261 -- Marvin, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 8262% 8263Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made 8264sense from things she found in gift shops. 8265 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 8266% 8267Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking 8268for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. 8269 -- Alan McKay 8270% 8271Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. 8272% 8273Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe 8274 we should think only about today. 8275Charlie Brown: 8276 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get 8277 better. 8278% 8279Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night. 8280 -- Candice Bergen 8281% 8282Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip 8283around the Sun. 8284% 8285Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted 8286before. 8287% 8288Lizzie Borden took an axe, 8289And plunged it deep into the VAX; 8290Don't you envy people who 8291Do all the things ___YOU want to do? 8292% 8293Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these 8294interest rates, we don't need it." 8295% 8296Lobster: 8297 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are 8298squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the 8299only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to 8300eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial 8301before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most 8302ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime 8303in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its 8304unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of 8305the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, 8306"Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a 8307memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe 8308at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. 8309Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be, 8310too. 8311 -- Dave Barry, "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and 8312 Utensils into Excuses and Apologies" 8313% 8314Lockwood's Long Shot: 8315 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't 8316one in a million, but once would be enough. 8317% 8318Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*. 8319% 8320... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and 8321legally ... impeccable! 8322% 8323Logicians have but ill defined 8324As rational the human kind. 8325Logic, they say, belongs to man, 8326But let them prove it if they can. 8327 -- Oliver Goldsmith 8328% 8329Look out! Behind you! 8330% 8331Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us 8332to pay income taxes, too? 8333 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox 8334% 8335Loose bits sink chips. 8336% 8337Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying 8338"BOOGA, BOOGA!" 8339% 8340Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy. 8341% 8342Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in 8343Halstead, Kansas. 8344% 8345Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. 8346% 8347Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the 8348world has ever seen. 8349% 8350Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder. 8351 -- Sigmund Freud 8352% 8353Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it 8354flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. 8355 -- Matt Groening 8356% 8357Love is a word that is constantly heard, 8358Hate is a word that is not. 8359Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. 8360Love, I have read, is hot. 8361But hate is the verb that to me is superb, 8362And Love but a drug on the mart. 8363Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, 8364But Hating, my boy, is an Art. 8365 -- Ogden Nash 8366% 8367Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with 8368the ideal never goes unpunished. 8369 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 8370% 8371Love is sentimental measles. 8372% 8373Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 8374 -- H. L. Mencken 8375% 8376Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. 8377% 8378Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. 8379 -- Louise Beal 8380% 8381Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to. 8382% 8383 Love's Drug 8384 8385My love is like an iron wand 8386 That conks me on the head, 8387My love is like the valium 8388 That I take before my bed, 8389My love is like the pint of scotch 8390 That I drink when I be dry; 8391And I shall love thee still, my dear, 8392 Until my wife is wise. 8393% 8394Lowery's Law: 8395 If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing 8396anyway. 8397% 8398LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. 8399% 8400Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: 8401 There's always one more bug. 8402% 8403Lunatic Asylum, n.: 8404 The place where optimism most flourishes. 8405% 8406Lysistrata had a good idea. 8407% 8408MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into 8409the smallest amount of thoughts. 8410 -- Winston Churchill 8411% 8412Machine-Independent, adj.: 8413 Does not run on any existing machine. 8414% 8415Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, 8416and play games -- but not with pleasure. 8417 -- Leo Rosten 8418% 8419Mad, adj.: 8420 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. 8421 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8422% 8423Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them 8424first for seven hours, they always come out tender. 8425 -- W. C. Fields 8426% 8427MAFIA, n: 8428 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance 8429Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore 8430subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is 8431rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy 8432reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP 8433operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that 8434MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped 8435variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex 8436security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a 8437more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an 8438imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES 8439options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay. 8440Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a 8441powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and 8442entire nodal aggravations. 8443 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 8444% 8445Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism. 8446 8447Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. 8448 8449The two definition immediately preceding are condensed from the works 8450of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject 8451with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human 8452knowledge. 8453 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8454% 8455Magnocartic, adj.: 8456 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. 8457 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 8458% 8459Magpie, n.: 8460 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it 8461might be taught to talk. 8462 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8463% 8464Maier's Law: 8465 If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. 8466 8467Corollaries: 8468 (1) The bigger the theory, the better. 8469 (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 8470 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to 8471 obtain a correspondence with the theory. 8472% 8473Main's Law: 8474 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. 8475% 8476Maintainer's Motto: 8477 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. 8478% 8479Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly 8480 as one man. 8481 8482Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. 8483 8484Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. 8485 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8486% 8487Majority, n.: 8488 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. 8489% 8490Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist! 8491% 8492Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users 8493tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It 8494has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is 8495the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. 8496 -- System V.2 administrator's guide 8497% 8498Malek's Law: 8499 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. 8500% 8501Man 1: Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good 8502 joke is. 8503 8504Man 2: OK, what is the most impo -- 8505 8506Man 1: ______TIMING! 8507% 8508Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. 8509 -- Lily Tomlin 8510% 8511Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called 8512upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. 8513 -- Oscar Wilde 8514% 8515Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the 8516only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. 8517 -- Wernher von Braun 8518% 8519Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. 8520 -- Mark Twain 8521% 8522Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the 8523victims he intends to eat until he eats them. 8524 -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902) 8525% 8526Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it 8527is an enemy. 8528 -- Albert Einstein 8529% 8530Man, n.: 8531 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks 8532he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief 8533occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, 8534however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole 8535habitable earth and Canada. 8536 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8537% 8538Mandrell: "You know what I think?" 8539Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you 8540 don't think, right?" 8541 -- Dr. Who 8542% 8543Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, 8544dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive 8545man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the 8546air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first 8547primitive umpire. 8548 8549What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as 8550mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. 8551 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 8552% 8553Manual, n.: 8554 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a 8555given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The 8556information you need is in the others. 8557 -- Ray Simard 8558% 8559Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, 8560there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he 8561was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how 8562completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ... 8563 -- Walt Kelly 8564% 8565Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: 8566 Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a 8567simple yes or no answer. 8568% 8569Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. 8570 -- Voltaire 8571% 8572Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on 8573the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam 8574dancing. 8575 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83 8576% 8577Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. 8578 -- Malcolm Smith 8579% 8580Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. 8581 -- R. Drabek 8582% 8583Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they 8584translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something 8585entirely different. 8586 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 8587% 8588Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is 8589described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can 8590play. 8591 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by 8592 James Blish 8593% 8594Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. 8595% 8596Matter cannot be created or destroyed, 8597nor can it be returned without a receipt. 8598% 8599Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. 8600 -- Jules Feiffer 8601% 8602May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts. 8603% 8604May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! 8605% 8606May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. 8607% 8608May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a 8609Thousand Caramels. 8610% 8611Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. 8612 -- R. S. Barton 8613% 8614Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge 8615it. 8616% 8617McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: 8618 If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not 8619$19.95. 8620% 8621Meader's Law: 8622 Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to 8623everyone you know, only more so. 8624% 8625Meeting, n.: 8626 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or 8627department not represented in the room must solve a problem. 8628% 8629Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures 8630from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha 8631Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man 8632had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. 8633 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 8634% 8635Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and 8636it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin 8637very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently 8638tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ... 8639 [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important 8640 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the 8641 next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.] 8642... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your 8643cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of 8644billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even 8645more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a 8646fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the 8647older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and 8648obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the 8649window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger 8650hotshot cells moving up from below. 8651 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 8652% 8653Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: 8654 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. 8655% 8656Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: 8657 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the 8658cork makes when it is popped. 8659% 8660Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: 8661 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. 8662% 8663Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: 8664 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that 8665is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can 8666never hope to acquire it. 8667% 8668Menu, n.: 8669 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. 8670% 8671Meskimen's Law: 8672 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to 8673do it over. 8674% 8675MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched. 8676% 8677Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it. 8678% 8679methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin- 8680ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- 8681phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- 8682taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- 8683glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala- 8684nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta- 8685minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly- 8686cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl- 8687leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu- 8688cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva- 8689lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro- 8690sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu- 8691cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe- 8692nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala- 8693nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas- 8694partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl- 8695glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl- 8696valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu- 8697cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi- 8698nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse- 8699rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl- 8700glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly- 8701sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro- 8702lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl- 8703glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: 8704 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a 8705 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. 8706 -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and 8707 Preposterous Words 8708% 8709Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. 8710% 8711Micro Credo: 8712 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. 8713% 8714Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been 8715watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks. 8716% 8717Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you 8718out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. 8719 -- Casablanca 8720% 8721Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" 8722Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO 8723 inconsiderate." 8724 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury" 8725% 8726Miksch's Law: 8727 If a string has one end, then it has another end. 8728% 8729Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. 8730 -- Groucho Marx 8731% 8732Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. 8733 -- Groucho Marx 8734% 8735Millihelen, adj: 8736 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. 8737% 8738Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with 8739themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. 8740 -- Susan Ertz 8741% 8742Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that 8743politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum 8744and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they 8745are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to 8746rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all 8747the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert 8748Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert 8749Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when 8750Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the 8751black. 8752 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" 8753% 8754Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there 8755is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, 8756myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in 8757the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my 8758unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You 8759will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as 8760dead as a door-nail. 8761% 8762Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. 8763% 8764Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap 8765pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however. 8766% 8767Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. 8768% 8769Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. 8770 -- Russell Baker 8771% 8772Misfortune, n.: 8773 The kind of fortune that never misses. 8774 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8775% 8776Miss, n.: 8777 A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that 8778they are in the market. 8779 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8780% 8781Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. 8782% 8783Mitchell's Law of Committees: 8784 Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are 8785held to discuss it. 8786% 8787MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) 8788 8789 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers 87902 cups water 2 cups sugar 87912 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice 8792 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine 8793 Cinnamon 8794 8795Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break 8796RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar 8797and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon 8798juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously 8799with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top 8800crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let 8801steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust 8802is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. 8803 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box 8804% 8805Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. 8806% 8807Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked 8808him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just 8809last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew 8810better. 8811% 8812Molecule, n.: 8813 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished 8814from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a 8815closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of 8816matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the 8817atom in that it is an ion ... 8818 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8819% 8820Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: 8821 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented 8822it wasn't worth doing. 8823% 8824Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. 8825% 8826Monday, n.: 8827 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. 8828 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8829% 8830Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. 8831% 8832Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. 8833% 8834Money is the root of all wealth. 8835% 8836Moon, n.: 8837 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to 8838hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). 8839% 8840Mophobia, n.: 8841 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. 8842% 8843 MORE SPORTS RESULTS: 8844The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last 8845Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while 8846the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the 8847Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could 8848paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player 8849took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting 8850their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player 8851said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a 8852fight and the match was called by officials. 8853% 8854More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One 8855path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total 8856extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. 8857 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" 8858% 8859Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: 8860 Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd 8861be out of a job. 8862% 8863Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex 8864because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs 8865and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little 8866eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around 8867and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the 8868female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just 8869dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven 8870by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the 8871truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of 8872them that it doesn't make any difference. 8873 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 8874 Teen Should Know" 8875% 8876Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently 8877than they do. 8878 -- Turgenev 8879% 8880Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. 8881 -- Frank Zappa 8882% 8883Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. 8884 -- Arnold Bennett 8885% 8886Mother is the invention of necessity. 8887% 8888Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before. 8889% 8890Mr. Cole's Axiom: 8891 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the 8892population is growing. 8893% 8894"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) 8895"365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old 8896Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his 8897pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes 8898in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be 8899in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he, 8900133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!" An electronic 8901computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much 8902fun to watch. 8903 -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics) 8904% 8905Murphy's Discovery: 8906 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to 8907women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything 8908will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in 8909trouble! 8910% 8911Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't 8912work. 8913% 8914Murphy's Law of Research: 8915 Enough research will tend to support your theory. 8916% 8917Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Goedel's Theorem ... 8918 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 8919% 8920 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring 8921Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping 8922pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret 8923military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and 8924Esther and hustle them off to prison. 8925 They can't prove who they are because they've left their 8926passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day 8927and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation 8928movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, 8929charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. 8930 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where 8931they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them 8932if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call 8933her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not 8934possible, and turns to Murray. 8935 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he 8936spits in the sergeants face. 8937 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." 8938 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 8939% 8940Mustgo, n.: 8941 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so 8942long it has become a science project. 8943 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 8944% 8945My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it. 8946 -- "Grendel", by John Gardner 8947% 8948My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I 8949threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. 8950First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the 8951frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up 8952the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed 8953forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier 8954perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through 8955the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative 8956crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a 8957symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state 8958in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I 8959really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded 8960OK. 8961 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 8962% 8963My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless 8964there are three other people. 8965 -- Orson Welles 8966% 8967My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand 8968times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and 8969sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right 8970through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever 8971listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just 8972log out again. 8973% 8974My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights? 8975 -- MadameX 8976% 8977My love runs by like a day in June, 8978 And he makes no friends of sorrows. 8979He'll tread his galloping rigadoon 8980 In the pathway or the morrows. 8981He'll live his days where the sunbeams start 8982 Nor could storm or wind uproot him. 8983My own dear love, he is all my heart -- 8984 And I wish somebody'd shoot him. 8985 -- Dorothy Parker 8986% 8987My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, 8988 And a wild young wood-thing bore him! 8989The ways are fair to his roaming feet, 8990 And the skies are sunlit for him. 8991As sharply sweet to my heart he seems 8992 As the fragrance of acacia. 8993My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- 8994 And I wish he were in Asia. 8995 -- Dorothy Parker 8996% 8997My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one. 8998 -- Groucho Marx 8999% 9000My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 9001% 9002My own dear love, he is strong and bold 9003 And he cares not what comes after. 9004His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, 9005 And his eyes are lit with laughter. 9006He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- 9007 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. 9008My own dear love, he is all my world -- 9009 And I wish I'd never met him. 9010 -- Dorothy Parker 9011% 9012My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!! 9013 -- Zippy the Pinhead 9014% 9015My pen is at the bottom of a page, 9016Which, being finished, here the story ends; 9017'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, 9018But stories somehow lengthen when begun. 9019 -- Byron 9020% 9021My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. 9022 -- Christopher Morley 9023% 9024My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies 9025% 9026Mythology, n.: 9027 The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its 9028origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished 9029from the true accounts which it invents later. 9030 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9031% 9032 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); 9033 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); 9034 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); 9035 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); 9036 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); 9037 9038 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word. 9039% 9040Naeser's Law: 9041 You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it 9042damnfoolproof. 9043% 9044NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he 9045 says is wrong. 9046GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says 9047 will be right. 9048 -- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny" 9049% 9050Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant 9051said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next 9052time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone 9053might steal it." 9054% 9055Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the 9056villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," 9057said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the 9058villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The 9059remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he 9060said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of 9061my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually 9062spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to. 9063% 9064Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to 9065serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk 9066into your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?" 9067"Never." "Then how do you know it was me?" 9068% 9069Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful 9070than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the 9071light more." 9072% 9073Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver 9074pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of 9075meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, 9076"Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without 9077the recipe?" 9078% 9079Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of 9080conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the 9081fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he 9082is most likely to be creamed? 9083 -- Solomon Short 9084% 9085Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, 9086God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. 9087 9088It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! 9089Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. 9090% 9091Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it 9092cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. 9093 -- Fran Leibowitz 9094% 9095Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's 9096character, give him power. 9097 -- Abraham Lincoln 9098% 9099Necessity is a mother. 9100% 9101Neckties strangle clear thinking. 9102 -- Lin Yutang 9103% 9104Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. 9105% 9106Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. 9107% 9108Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you. 9109% 9110Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. 9111% 9112Never drink Coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled 9113with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to 9114change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually 9115fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators 9116have windows. 9117% 9118Never eat more than you can lift. 9119 -- Miss Piggy 9120% 9121Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 9122% 9123Never let your schooling interfere with your education. 9124% 9125Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. 9126 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" 9127% 9128Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to 9129make it complex and wonderful. 9130% 9131Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. 9132 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 9133% 9134Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. 9135% 9136Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a 9137law against it by that time. 9138% 9139Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower. 9140% 9141Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient. 9142% 9143Never try to outstubborn a cat. 9144 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 9145% 9146Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. 9147 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS 9148% 9149Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon. 9150% 9151Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's 9152supposed to do. 9153 -- R. A. Heinlein 9154% 9155New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. 9156% 9157New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in 9158any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe. 9159% 9160New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of 9161Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. 9162% 9163New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area. 9164 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book 9165% 9166New systems generate new problems. 9167% 9168New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and 9169his wife most often reminds him to act it. 9170 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 9171% 9172New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors. 9173% 9174New York's got the ways and means; 9175Just won't let you be. 9176 -- The Grateful Dead 9177% 9178Newlan's Truism: 9179 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government 9180economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. 9181% 9182NEWS FLASH!! 9183 Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West 9184 German pole-vault champion. 9185% 9186 *** NEWSFLASH *** 9187Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven! 9188% 9189Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. 9190% 9191Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: 9192 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. 9193% 9194Next Friday will not be your lucky day. 9195As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. 9196% 9197Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying 9198as an income tax refund. 9199 -- F. J. Raymond 9200% 9201Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. 9202 -- Foghorn Leghorn 9203% 9204Nihilism should commence with oneself. 9205% 9206Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name 9207correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into 9208(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but 9209Americans call him by value. 9210% 9211Nine megs for the secretaries fair, 9212Seven megs for the hackers scarce, 9213Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, 9214Three megs for system source; 9215 9216One disk to rule them all, 9217One disk to bind them, 9218One disk to hold the files 9219And in the darkness grind 'em. 9220% 9221Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes 9222 And tapes without any tracks; 9223Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes 9224 And tapes mixed up on the racks -- 9225 Take hold of the tape 9226 And pull off the strip, 9227 And then you'll be sure 9228 Your tape drive will skip. 9229 9230 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 9231% 9232Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they 9233would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect 9234that much. 9235 -- Augustine 9236% 9237Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: 9238 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of 9239the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. 9240% 9241Nirvana? That's the place where the powers that be and their friends 9242hang out. 9243 -- Zonker Harris 9244% 9245No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless 9246absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation. 9247 -- Fran Leibowitz 9248% 9249No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a 9250camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform 9251effectively under such difficult conditions. 9252 -- Laurence J. Peter 9253% 9254No good deed goes unpunished. 9255 -- Clare Boothe Luce 9256% 9257No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after 9258eating one peanut. 9259 -- Channing Pollock 9260% 9261No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. 9262% 9263No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will 9264seriously cramp his style. 9265% 9266No matter what other nations may say about the United States, 9267immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery. 9268% 9269No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. 9270 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 9271% 9272No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid. 9273% 9274No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval 9275system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of 9276the author. 9277 -- Chris Shaw 9278% 9279No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- 9280He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. 9281Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame 9282And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. 9283CHORUS: 9284 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 9285 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 9286 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 9287 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 9288Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails 9289And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. 9290All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff 9291But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" 9292 (chorus) 9293Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. 9294The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. 9295A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, 9296But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! 9297 (chorus) 9298% 9299No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. 9300 -- C. Schulz 9301% 9302No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. 9303% 9304No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied 9305occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an 9306indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining 9307occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as 9308an indication-applied occurrence. 9309 -- ALGOL 68 Report 9310% 9311No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper. 9312 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was 9313 taken over by Rupert Murdoch 9314% 9315No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! 9316 -- Sherlock Holmes 9317% 9318No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.' 9319 -- Dr. Who 9320% 9321Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it. 9322 -- Tallulah Bankhead 9323% 9324NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION. 9325% 9326Nobody said computers were going to be polite. 9327% 9328Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in 9329order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the 9330substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young 9331and rob the old. 9332 -- Lewis Lapham 9333% 9334Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with 9335constructive praise. 9336% 9337Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: 9338 Negative expectations yield negative results. 9339 Positive expectations yield negative results. 9340% 9341Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades. 9342% 9343Noncombatant, n.: 9344 A dead Quaker. 9345 -- Ambrose Bierce 9346% 9347Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. 9348% 9349Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 9350% 9351Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the 9352Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats 9353in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the 9354moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a 9355dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every 9356respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside 9357it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, 9358then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they 9359chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... 9360 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 9361% 9362Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none. 9363 -- William Shakespeare 9364% 9365Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper 9366is from the wrong kind of tree. 9367 -- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University 9368% 9369Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter 9370of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund 9371is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- 9372unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is 9373careful not to make any poultry jokes ... 9374 -- Woody Allen 9375% 9376Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. 9377 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 9378% 9379Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. 9380% 9381Nothing is faster than the speed of light ... 9382 9383To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the 9384light comes on. 9385% 9386Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. 9387 -- Andrew Young 9388% 9389Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires 9390tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. 9391 -- Nero Wolfe 9392% 9393Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. 9394Conscience makes egotists of us all. 9395 -- Oscar Wilde 9396% 9397Nothing recedes like success. 9398 -- Walter Winchell 9399% 9400Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. 9401 -- Charlie Brown 9402% 9403November, n.: 9404 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. 9405 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9406% 9407Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature. 9408% 9409Now I lay me down to sleep 9410I pray the double lock will keep; 9411May no brick through the window break, 9412And, no one rob me till I awake. 9413% 9414Now is the time for all good men to come to. 9415 -- Walt Kelly 9416% 9417Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next 9418time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV 9419to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for 9420eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself 9421the following questions: 9422 9423(1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a 9424 food? 9425(2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich 9426 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? 9427(3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as 9428 prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with 9429 double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living 9430 right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like 9431 longer.) 9432 9433That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. 9434% 9435Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called 9436Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that 9437were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ... 9438 -- "The Begatting of a President" 9439% 9440Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a smurfette. 9441 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354 9442% 9443... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to 9444get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in 9445the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs 9446on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage 9447children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a 9448snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn 9449to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about 9450a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an 9451outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does 9452he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect 9453Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks 9454Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some 9455kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your 9456children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop 9457quickly. 9458 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 9459% 9460 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home 9461tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. 9462 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell 9463plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where 9464they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of 9465Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon 9466administration. In either the hardware or housewares department, 9467you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and 9468described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with 9469interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools 9470that Americans might use around the home. Buy it. 9471 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it 9472inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the 9473so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off 9474if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to 9475direct sunlight. 9476 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 9477% 9478Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile. 9479 -- Karl Lehenbauer 9480% 9481Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of 9482normal routines, for children and adults alike. 9483 -- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack" 9484% 9485Nuclear war would really set back cable. 9486 -- Ted Turner 9487% 9488[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. 9489 -- Edwin Meese III 9490% 9491Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. 9492% 9493(null cookie; hope that's ok) 9494% 9495Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. 9496% 9497O give me a home, 9498Where the buffalo roam, 9499Where the deer and the antelope play, 9500Where seldom is heard 9501A discouraging word, 9502'Cause what can an antelope say? 9503% 9504O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: 9505 Murphy was an optimist. 9506% 9507Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a 9508fake? 9509% 9510Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the 9511reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest 9512amount of hot air. 9513 -- Thomas L. Martin 9514% 9515Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. 9516 -- Plato 9517% 9518Of all the words of witch's doom 9519There's none so bad as which and whom. 9520The man who kills both which and whom 9521Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. 9522 -- Fletcher Knebel 9523% 9524Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power 9525tools aren't soluble in alcohol ... 9526 -- Crazy Nigel 9527% 9528Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. 9529% 9530Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. 9531And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a 9532blazer. 9533% 9534Office Automation, n.: 9535 The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone 9536you would want to talk with over coffee. 9537% 9538Ogden's Law: 9539 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch 9540up. 9541% 9542Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo! 9543% 9544Oh don't the days seem lank and long 9545 When all goes right and none goes wrong, 9546And isn't your life extremely flat 9547 With nothing whatever to grumble at! 9548% 9549Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 9550 I muck with indices and structs all day 9551And when it works, I shout hoo-ray 9552 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 9553% 9554Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd 9555be irresponsible, too. 9556 -- Lichty & Wagner 9557% 9558Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, 9559And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; 9560Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth 9561Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things 9562You have not dreamed of -- 9563Wheeled and soared and swung 9564High in the sunlit silence. 9565Hovering there 9566I've chased the shouting wind along and flung 9567My eager craft through footless halls of air. 9568Up, up along delirious, burning blue 9569I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, 9570Where never lark, or even eagle flew; 9571And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod 9572The high untrespassed sanctity of space, 9573Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. 9574 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight" 9575% 9576Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. 9577% 9578Oh, when I was in love with you, 9579 Then I was clean and brave, 9580And miles around the wonder grew 9581 How well did I behave. 9582 9583And now the fancy passes by, 9584 And nothing will remain, 9585And miles around they'll say that I 9586 Am quite myself again. 9587 -- A. E. Housman 9588% 9589Oh, wow! Look at the moon! 9590% 9591OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard. 9592 -- Dr. Joy 9593% 9594OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything. 9595% 9596Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. 9597 -- Trotsky 9598% 9599Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address. 9600% 9601Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. 9602% 9603Oliver's Law: 9604 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need 9605it. 9606% 9607Omnibiblious, adj.: 9608 Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything. 9609I'm omnibiblious." 9610% 9611OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of 9612JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O 9613as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ... 9614WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES? 9615% 9616On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: 9617 9618This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. 9619 -- Wolfgang Pauli 9620% 9621On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only 9622nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter 9623what it does. 9624 -- Will Rogers 9625% 9626 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in 9627receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's 9628income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than 9629$283 on the desk before the cashier. 9630 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That 9631route never brought in money like this! What happened?" 9632 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured 9633business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and 9634worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" 9635% 9636On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are 9637created jerks. 9638 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 9639% 9640On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a 9641POINT ... 9642% 9643On the subject of C program indentation: 9644 9645 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be 9646 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." 9647 -- Blair P. Houghton 9648% 9649On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray, 9650Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right 9651answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of 9652confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question. 9653 -- Charles Babbage 9654% 9655On-line, adj.: 9656 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a 9657computer. 9658% 9659Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were 9660forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. 9661 -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" 9662% 9663Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that 9664each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his 9665choice. 9666 9667In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians 9668called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukkah" 9669and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People 9670passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy 9671Hanukkah!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" 9672 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 9673% 9674Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, 9675Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". 9676Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your 9677principals or your mistress". 9678% 9679Once Law was sitting on the bench 9680 And Mercy knelt a-weeping. 9681"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! 9682 Nor come before me creeping. 9683Upon your knees if you appear, 9684'Tis plain you have no standing here." 9685 9686Then Justice came. His Honor cried: 9687 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" 9688"Amica curiae," she replied -- 9689 "Friend of the court, so please you." 9690"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- 9691I never saw your face before!" 9692 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9693% 9694Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human 9695beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by 9696side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them 9697which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the 9698sky. 9699 -- Rainer Rilke 9700% 9701 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a 9702great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to 9703the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of 9704life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But 9705one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is 9706going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I 9707shall die of boredom." 9708 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that 9709current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the 9710rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!" 9711 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, 9712and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. 9713Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current 9714lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. 9715 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, 9716"See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the 9717Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current 9718said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us 9719free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this 9720adventure. 9721 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to 9722the rocks, making legends of a Saviour. 9723% 9724Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of 9725us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of 9726the smaller prime numbers. 9727 97282: The Odd Prime -- 9729 It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd. QED. 97303: The True Prime -- 9731 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true." 973231: The Arbitrary Prime -- 9733 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime 9734 in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 9735 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the 9736 next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none 9737 at all. 9738 9739Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are 9740derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but 9741true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. 9742% 9743... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you 9744with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday 9745shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday 9746advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a 9747shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take 9748them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up. 9749 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 9750% 9751Once, adv.: 9752 Enough. 9753 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9754% 9755One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least 9756somebody's listening. 9757 -- Franklin P. Jones 9758% 9759"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative." 9760 9761Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. 9762The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. 9763 -- Chuq Von Rospach 9764% 9765One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. 9766% 9767One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing 9768how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. 9769 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi 9770% 9771One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell 9772the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald 9773announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to 9774a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The 9775captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth 9776-- the alternative is death by hanging." "I am going," said Nasrudin, 9777"to be hanged on that gallows." "I don't believe you." "Very well, if 9778I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!" 9779"Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." 9780% 9781One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet 9782when well oiled. 9783% 9784One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they 9785never have to stop and answer the phone. 9786% 9787One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. 9788 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) 9789% 9790One learns to itch where one can scratch. 9791 -- Ernest Bramah 9792% 9793One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as 9794one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will 9795produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to 9796represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as 9797many ... 9798 -- Anthony Chevins 9799% 9800One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. 9801% 9802One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How 9803will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, 9804I'll tell you." 9805% 9806One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 9807% 9808One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible 9809from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at 9810least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts 9811are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but 9812when He's good, nobody can touch Him. 9813 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983 9814% 9815One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to 9816do and always a clever thing to say. 9817 -- Will Durant 9818% 9819One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, 9820lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of 9821their C programs. 9822 -- Robert Firth 9823% 9824One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God 9825create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy 9826retail." 9827 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 9828% 9829 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How 9830enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? 9831 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many 9832years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. 9833Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple 9834language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for 9835students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for 9836interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of 9837its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on 9838VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. 9839 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will 9840run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and 9841will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. 9842 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and 9843quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With 9844VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of 9845documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the 9846difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS 9847is that it's all there. 9848 -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 9849% 9850One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your 9851seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best 9852way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who 9853fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become 9854disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas. 9855% 9856The Seventh Commandments for Technicians 9857 Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy 9858fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in 9859other ways. 9860% 9861The First Commandment for Technicians: 9862 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged 9863capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most 9864untechnician-like manner. 9865% 9866One Page Principle: 9867 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch 9868paper cannot be understood. 9869 -- Mark Ardis 9870% 9871One planet is all you get. 9872% 9873One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could 9874manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that 9875they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's 9876say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding 9877study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by 9878sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, 9879strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus 9880rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also 9881be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr. 9882Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle 9883Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save 9884millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently 9885support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that 9886your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members 9887of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are 9888already too large to fit on normal aircraft. 9889 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 9890% 9891One reason why George Washington 9892Is held in such veneration: 9893He never blamed his problems 9894On the former Administration. 9895 -- George O. Ludcke 9896% 9897One seldom sees a monument to a committee. 9898% 9899One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint. 9900% 9901One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that 9902sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of 9903sheer terror. 9904 -- W. K. Hartmann 9905% 9906One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a 9907new model. 9908% 9909One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. 9910% 9911One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned 9912at the stake while the votes were being counted. 9913 -- Thomas B. Reed 9914% 9915One-Shot Case Study, n.: 9916 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which 9917it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes 9918green. 9919% 9920Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. 9921% 9922Only God can make random selections. 9923% 9924Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to 9925use the editorial "we." 9926% 9927Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer. 9928% 9929Optimization hinders evolution. 9930% 9931Oregano, n.: 9932 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. 9933% 9934Oregon, n.: 9935 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday 9936night. 9937% 9938Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. 9939Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. 9940 -- Mike Adams 9941% 9942Osborn's Law: 9943 Variables won't; constants aren't. 9944% 9945Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails. 9946% 9947Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is 9948they charge fifteen cents for them. 9949% 9950Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the 9951office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we 9952were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of 9953juice. But only *__he* had a lollipop. 9954 9955He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" 9956 9957Her reply: 9958 9959 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it 9960 means to be a programmer." 9961% 9962Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. 9963 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, 9964 In kernel as it is in user! 9965% 9966Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. 9967 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries 9968% 9969... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce 9970Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One 9971thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If 9972somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it 9973on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what 9974a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. 9975 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!" 9976% 9977Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it. 9978 -- Alex Schure 9979% 9980Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. 9981 -- General Omar N. Bradley 9982% 9983 OUTCONERR 9984Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes 9985 Did logzerneg the ifthen block 9986All kludgy were the function flows 9987 And subroutines adhoc. 9988 9989Beware the runtime-bug my friend 9990 squrooneg, the false goto 9991Beware the infiniteloop 9992 And shun the inprectoo. 9993% 9994Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, 9995it's too dark to read. 9996 -- Groucho Marx 9997% 9998Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now 9999I can remember things that *have* happened before ... 10000% 10001Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! 10002% 10003Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. 10004% 10005Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. 10006% 10007Ozman's Laws: 10008 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he 10009 won't. 10010 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they 10011 make. 10012 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 10013 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. 10014% 10015Painting, n.: 10016 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and 10017exposing them to the critic. 10018 -- Ambrose Bierce 10019% 10020panic: can't find / 10021% 10022panic: kernel trap (ignored) 10023% 10024Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much 10025better. 10026 -- Laurie Anderson 10027% 10028Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. 10029% 10030Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. 10031% 10032Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one. 10033% 10034Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to 10035criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. 10036 -- D. J. Hicks 10037% 10038Pardo's First Postulate: 10039 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or 10040fattening. 10041 10042Arnold's Addendum: 10043 Everything else causes cancer in rats. 10044% 10045Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction. 10046% 10047Parker's Law: 10048 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. 10049% 10050Parkinson's Fifth Law: 10051 If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good 10052bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. 10053% 10054Parkinson's Fourth Law: 10055 The number of people in any working group tends to increase 10056regardless of the amount of work to be done. 10057% 10058Parsley 10059 is gharsley. 10060 -- Ogden Nash 10061% 10062Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. 10063% 10064Pascal is not a high-level language. 10065 -- Steven Feiner 10066% 10067Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat. 10068 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340 10069% 10070Pascal Users: 10071 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the 10072death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. 10073% 10074Pascal, n.: 10075 A programming language named after a man who would turn over in 10076his grave if he knew about it. 10077% 10078Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. 10079 -- Eric Hoffer 10080% 10081Patageometry, n.: 10082 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant 10083under brain transplants. 10084% 10085Paul Revere was a tattle-tale. 10086% 10087Paul's Law: 10088 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you 10089save. 10090% 10091Paul's Law: 10092 You can't fall off the floor. 10093% 10094Peace, n.: 10095 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two 10096periods of fighting. 10097 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10098% 10099Peanut Blossoms 10100 101014 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 101024 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 101034 cups shortening 14 cups flour 101048 eggs 4 tsp. soda 101054 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt 10106 10107Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie 10108sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a 10109Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a 10110hell of a lot. 10111% 10112Pecor's Health-Food Principle: 10113 Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in 10114it. 10115% 10116Pedaeration, n.: 10117 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the 10118sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. 10119 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 10120% 10121Penguin Trivia #46: 10122 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. 10123 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 10124% 10125People need good lies. There are too many bad ones. 10126 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 10127% 10128People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of 10129the future. 10130% 10131People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense. 10132 -- Ken Kesey 10133% 10134People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed. 10135% 10136People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better 10137press than people who are just funny and smart. 10138 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" 10139% 10140People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never 10141slept in a room with a single mosquito. 10142% 10143People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who 10144haven't what they want that they don't want it. 10145 -- Ogden Nash 10146% 10147People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that 10148Benjamin Franklin said it first. 10149% 10150People will buy anything that's one to a customer. 10151% 10152People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they 10153did yesterday. 10154% 10155Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. 10156"Confound those who have said our remarks before us." 10157 -- Aelius Donatus 10158% 10159Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. 10160% 10161Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but 10162when there is no longer anything to take away. 10163 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 10164% 10165Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 10166% 10167Peter's Law of Substitution: 10168 Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after 10169themselves. 10170% 10171Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to 10172exciting Camden, New Jersey. 10173% 10174Philogeny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogeny. 10175% 10176Philosophy will clip an angel's wings. 10177 -- John Keats 10178% 10179Pick another fortune cookie. 10180% 10181Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional 10182hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational 10183sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ... 10184% 10185Pig, n.: 10186 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race 10187by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is 10188inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. 10189 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10190% 10191PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) 10192 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being 10193followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your 10194associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack 10195confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible 10196things to small animals. 10197% 10198PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) 10199 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the 10200American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as 10201nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will 10202probably get run over by a bus. 10203% 10204 Pittsburgh Driver's Test 10205 10206(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light 10207 but a steady left tail light. This means 10208 10209 (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn 10210 to call the problem to the driver's attention. 10211 (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. 10212 (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. 10213 (d) the driver is from out of town. 10214 10215The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign 10216countries to signal turns. 10217% 10218 Pittsburgh Driver's Test 10219 10220(8) Pedestrians are 10221 10222 (a) irrelevant. 10223 (b) communists. 10224 (c) a nuisance. 10225 (d) difficult to clean off the front grille. 10226 10227The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are 10228totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. 10229% 10230Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. 10231 -- Don Marquis 10232% 10233PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the 10234solution set. 10235 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 10236% 10237Plaese porrf raed. 10238 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase 10239% 10240Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia 10241because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers 10242couldn't compete successfully with poets. 10243 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half 10244 Shell" 10245% 10246Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill them. 10247% 10248Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table. 10249 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 10250% 10251Please ignore previous fortune. 10252% 10253Please take note: 10254% 10255Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" 10256until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched 10257out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, 10258and such. 10259 -- N. Meyrowitz 10260% 10261Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? 10262% 10263 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, 10264requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm 10265into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing 10266problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the 10267radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how 10268plumbing works. 10269 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, 10270except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, 10271it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets 10272and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at 10273all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can 10274kill you. 10275 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 10276% 10277PLUNDERER'S THEME 10278(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) 10279 10280Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 10281If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. 10282Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. 10283Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 10284% 10285Pohl's law: 10286 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. 10287% 10288Police: Good evening, are you the host? 10289Host: No. 10290Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. 10291Host: About the drugs? 10292Police: No. 10293Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? 10294Police: No, the noise. 10295Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns 10296 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the 10297 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? 10298 The neighbors? 10299Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent 10300 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could 10301 ask the host to quiet things down? 10302Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive 10303 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living 10304 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the 10305 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out 10306 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind 10307 down. 10308% 10309Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell 10310all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. 10311% 10312Politician, n.: 10313 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of 10314organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the 10315agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared 10316with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. 10317 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10318% 10319Politician, n.: 10320 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or 10321"face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence 10322"polytetien", a person of two or more faces. 10323 -- Martin Pitt 10324% 10325Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even 10326where there is no river. 10327 -- Nikita Khrushchev 10328% 10329Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough 10330to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. 10331% 10332Polymer physicists are into chains. 10333% 10334Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the 10335Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The 10336white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before 10337it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his 10338name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with 10339laughter, singing 10340 10341 Half a pound of tuppenny rice 10342 Half a pound of treacle 10343 That's the way the chimney smokes 10344 Pope Goestheveezl 10345 10346The square was finally cleared by armed carabinieri with tears of 10347laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for 10348hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron 10349Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653. 10350 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 10351% 10352Portable, adj.: 10353 Survives system reboot. 10354% 10355Positive, adj.: 10356 Mistaken at the top of one's voice. 10357 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10358% 10359Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth. 10360% 10361Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. 10362 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987 10363% 10364Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically. 10365% 10366Power, n: 10367 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. 10368% 10369Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little 10370more time for dreaming. 10371 -- J. P. McEvoy 10372% 10373Predestination was doomed from the start. 10374% 10375President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and 10376forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. 10377% 10378President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the 10379vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. 10380 -- The Washington Post 10381% 10382Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! 10383% 10384Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: 10385 It's on the other side. 10386% 10387[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves 10388to see him work. 10389 -- Winston Churchill 10390% 10391Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. 10392% 10393Probable-Possible, my black hen, 10394She lays eggs in the Relative When. 10395She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now 10396Because she's unable to postulate how. 10397 -- Frederick Winsor 10398% 10399Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have 10400orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which 10401is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime. 10402 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 10403 Teen Should Know" 10404% 10405Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data 10406 encryption standard and they came up with ... 10407Student: EBCDIC! 10408% 10409Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. 10410Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on 10411his exam. Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter. Newell's 10412earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30% 10413% 10414Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to 10415build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying 10416to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. 10417 -- Rich Cook 10418% 10419Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. 10420 10421This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them. Induction 10422techniques are very popular; even the military used them. 10423 10424SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. 10425 10426 We know it's true for _n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true 10427for every natural number less than _n. _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n 10428as large as we want. If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is 10429trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n. We 10430can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just 10431about _n. 10432 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") 10433% 10434Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. 10435 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. 10436(1) Horses have an even number of legs. 10437(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. 10438(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of 10439 legs for a horse. 10440(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 10441(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. 10442 10443Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by: 10444 Intimidation 10445 Gesticulation (handwaving) 10446 "Try it; it works" 10447 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) 10448 Blatant assertion 10449 Changing all the 2's to _n's 10450 Mutual consent 10451 Lack of a counterexample, and 10452 "It stands to reason" 10453% 10454Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 10455 10456BBW Branch Both Ways 10457BEW Branch Either Way 10458BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full 10459BH Branch and Hang 10460BMR Branch Multiple Registers 10461BOB Branch On Bug 10462BPO Branch on Power Off 10463BST Backspace and Stretch Tape 10464CDS Condense and Destroy System 10465CLBR Clobber Register 10466CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately 10467CM Circulate Memory 10468CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming 10469CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip 10470CRN Convert to Roman Numerals 10471% 10472Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 10473 10474DC Divide and Conquer 10475DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key 10476DO Divide and Overflow 10477EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator 10478EPI Execute Programmer Immediately 10479EROS Erase Read Only Storage 10480EXCE Execute Customer Engineer 10481HCF Halt and Catch Fire 10482IBP Insert Bug and Proceed 10483INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out]) 10484PBC Print and Break Chain 10485PDSK Punch Disk 10486% 10487Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 10488 10489PI Punch Invalid 10490POPI Punch Operator Immediately 10491PVLC Punch Variable Length Card 10492RASC Read And Shred Card 10493RPM Read Programmers Mind 10494RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy) 10495RTAB Rewind tape and break 10496RWDSK rewind disk 10497RWOC Read Writing On Card 10498SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write 10499SLC Search for Lost Chord 10500SPSW Scramble Program Status Word 10501SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk 10502STROM Store in Read Only Memory 10503TDB Transfer and Drop Bit 10504WBT Water Binary Tree 10505% 10506Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller 10507than the both put together. 10508% 10509Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check 10510three friends. If they're OK, you're it. 10511% 10512Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well 10513anyhow and is certainly a damn fool. 10514 -- H. L. Mencken 10515% 10516Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves 10517to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way 10518to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the 10519cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in 10520fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a 10521lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of 10522the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. 10523 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 10524% 10525Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. 10526% 10527Pushing 40 is exercise enough. 10528% 10529Put no trust in cryptic comments. 10530% 10531Put your Nose to the Grindstone! 10532 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. 10533% 10534Putt's Law: 10535 Technology is dominated by two types of people: 10536 Those who understand what they do not manage. 10537 Those who manage what they do not understand. 10538% 10539Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? 10540A: One per person. 10541% 10542Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? 10543A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. 10544% 10545Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat ? 10546A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 10547% 10548Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat? 10549A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 10550 10551Q: How long does it take? 10552A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've 10553 brought with them. 10554 10555Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? 10556A: They replace your generator. 10557% 10558Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10559A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb 10560 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective 10561 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a 10562 maudlin cosmos of nothingness. 10563% 10564Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb 10565 in San Francisco? 10566A: Both of them. 10567% 10568Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift? 10569A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. 10570% 10571Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a job? 10572A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. 10573% 10574Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? 10575A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, 10576 Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of 10577 the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% 10578 of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences 10579 of non-blank characters separated by blanks". 10580% 10581Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10582A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring 10583 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government 10584 plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer 10585 prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb 10586 assassin to break the bulb in the first place. 10587% 10588Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10589A: One and a half. 10590% 10591Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10592A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem 10593 to the earlier joke. 10594% 10595Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10596A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those 10597 Californians trying to share the experience. 10598% 10599Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? 10600A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub 10601 with brightly colored machine tools. 10602% 10603Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10604A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out 10605 of the way. 10606% 10607Q: What's a light-year? 10608A: One-third less calories than a regular year. 10609% 10610Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? 10611A: Because it was on the other side. 10612% 10613Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? 10614A: To stamp out forest fires. 10615 10616Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? 10617A: To stamp out flaming ducks. 10618% 10619Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? 10620A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. 10621% 10622Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What 10623 should I do? 10624 10625A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on 10626 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be 10627 the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No 10628 time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if 10629 somebody else has made the correction. 10630 10631 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're 10632 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have 10633 to inform the whole net right away! 10634 10635 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions 10636 on Netiquette" 10637% 10638Quality Control, n.: 10639 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off 10640a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. 10641% 10642Question: 10643Man Invented Alcohol, 10644God Invented Grass. 10645Who do you trust? 10646% 10647Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! 10648% 10649Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! 10650% 10651Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. 10652 10653(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) 10654% 10655Quigley's Law: 10656 Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will 10657atttempt to use it. 10658% 10659QUOTE OF THE DAY: 10660 10661 ` 10662 10663% 10664Qvid me anxivs svm? 10665% 10666QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: 10667 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 10668kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one 10669thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a 10670painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang] 10671person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. 10672 -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. 10673% 10674Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. 10675% 10676Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something 10677I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of 10678computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport 10679store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told 10680all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all 10681the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are 10682they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current 10683rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on 10684Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be 10685impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying 10686goes, giving away the store? 10687 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President 10688% 10689Ray's Rule of Precision: 10690 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. 10691% 10692Razors pain you; 10693Rivers are damp; 10694Acids stain you; 10695And drugs cause cramp. 10696Guns aren't lawful; 10697Nooses give; 10698Gas smells awful; 10699You might as well live. 10700 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926 10701% 10702Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe 10703the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described 10704with pictures. 10705% 10706Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of 10707Congress. But I repeat myself. 10708 -- Mark Twain 10709% 10710Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic 10711value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is 10712much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice 10713this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA. 10714% 10715Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware 10716has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing 10717machines are so poor at I/O. 10718% 10719Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are 10720so long they can't afford the disk space. 10721% 10722Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write 10723in anything less portable than a number two pencil. 10724% 10725Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker 10726with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they 10727hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for 10728applications.) 10729% 10730Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run 10731on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo 10732sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet. 10733% 10734Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured 10735programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- 10736trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise 10737clear desks. 10738% 10739Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine 10740doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell 10741quiche. 10742% 10743Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it 10744should be hard to understand. 10745% 10746Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the 10747illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how 10748much good it did them. 10749% 10750Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires 10751you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers 10752wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly 10753spring up in the middle of the machine room. 10754% 10755Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write 10756in BASIC after reaching puberty. 10757% 10758Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress 10759freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who 10760wear white socks. 10761% 10762Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who 10763can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. 10764% 10765Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. 10766% 10767Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use 10768functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? 10769% 10770Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. 10771This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a 10772computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. 10773% 10774Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and 10775greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any 10776moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that 10777systems could be virtual at *___all* levels. They would like personal 10778computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your 10779DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their 10780Correctness Verification Aid packages. 10781% 10782Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the 10783job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like 10784using an undocumented external procedure. 10785% 10786Real Time, adj.: 10787 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there 10788and then. 10789% 10790Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never 10791afraid to break your face. 10792% 10793Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts 10794down the system for days. 10795% 10796Real Users hate Real Programmers. 10797% 10798Real Users know your home telephone number. 10799% 10800Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your 10801program doesn't deliver it. 10802% 10803Real Users never use the Help key. 10804% 10805Real World, The n.: 10806 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may 10807be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To 10808programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related 10809to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and 10810tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 108114. The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. 10812"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used 10813pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking 10814of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a 10815deceased person. 10816% 10817Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs. 10818% 10819Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. 10820% 10821Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth? 10822 -- Patrick Sky 10823% 10824Reality is for people who lack imagination. 10825% 10826Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction. 10827% 10828Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity. 10829 -- Alvy Ray Smith 10830% 10831Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away" 10832 -- Philip K. Dick 10833% 10834Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!! 10835% 10836Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than 10837being flat broke and having a stomach ache. 10838 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 10839% 10840Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you 10841lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, 10842but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and 10843Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 10844recessions. 10845% 10846Reclaimer, spare that tree! 10847Take not a single bit! 10848It used to point to me, 10849Now I'm protecting it. 10850It was the reader's CONS 10851That made it, paired by dot; 10852Now, GC, for the nonce, 10853Thou shalt reclaim it not. 10854% 10855 "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" 10856Candy 10857Is dandy 10858But liquor 10859Is quicker. 10860 -- Ogden Nash 10861% 10862"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe 10863again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know 10864which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A 10865spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the 10866starfield surrounding the ship. 10867 10868"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC 10869announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they 10870are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been 10871intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and 10872transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. 10873Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." 10874 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" 10875% 10876Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: 10877 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. 10878% 10879Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. 10880 -- Anatole France 10881% 10882Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it. 10883 -- Dave Barry 10884% 10885Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be 10886worse in Cleveland. 10887 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 10888% 10889Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good 10890offense! 10891% 10892Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat. 10893% 10894Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. 10895% 10896Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. 10897 -- Dave Butler 10898% 10899Renning's Maxim: 10900 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. 10901% 10902Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western 10903 Civilization? 10904Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. 10905% 10906Reporter, n.: 10907 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a 10908tempest of words. 10909 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10910% 10911REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system? 10912 10913SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that 10914the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can 10915carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." 10916I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind 10917of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to 10918do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of 10919ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we 10920need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political 10921career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but 10922that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I 10923can't help it. 10924 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 10925% 10926Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. 10927 -- Wernher von Braun 10928% 10929Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get 10930another chance later on. 10931% 10932Review Questions 10933 10934(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, 10935 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before 10936 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the 10937 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? 10938 10939(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks 10940 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks 10941 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off 10942 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? 10943 10944(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers 10945 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a 10946 pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King 10947 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? 10948% 10949Rhode's Law: 10950 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, 10951circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, 10952empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, 10953induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always 10954for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, 10955material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or 10956none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, 10957proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, 10958universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it 10959becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. 10960% 10961Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. 10962 -- Steven Wright 10963% 10964Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention 10965 Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will 10966 reject the proposal. 10967% 10968Romeo wasn't bilked in a day. 10969 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With Pogo" 10970% 10971ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. 10972MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church- 10973 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. 10974% 10975Rudin's Law: 10976 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it 10977every time. 10978% 10979Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: 10980 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall 10981be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person 10982shall be deemed to be a cat. 10983% 10984Rule of Creative Research: 10985 (1) Never draw what you can copy. 10986 (2) Never copy what you can trace. 10987 (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 10988% 10989Rule of Defactualization: 10990 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. 10991% 10992Rule of Feline Frustration: 10993 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly 10994content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. 10995% 10996Rule of the Great: 10997 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep 10998thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. 10999% 11000Rules for Academic Deans: 11001 (1) HIDE!!!! 11002 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!! 11003 -- Father Damian C. Fandal 11004% 11005Rules for driving in New York: 11006 (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. 11007 (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers 11008 on. 11009 (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the 11010 intersection. 11011% 11012RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED 11013 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach. 11014 (2) Never leave the table hungry. 11015 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry. 11016 (4) Enjoy your food. 11017 (5) Enjoy your companion's food. 11018 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to 11019 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. 11020 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, 11021 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a 11022 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks? 11023 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. 11024 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You 11025 can always eat it later. 11026 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. 11027 (11) Avoid blue food. 11028 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" 11029% 11030Rules: 11031 (1) The boss is always right. 11032 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1. 11033% 11034 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 11035 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. 11036 11037(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, 11038 ants. 11039(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships. 11040(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate. 11041(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter. 11042(5) Exotic birds flock around you. 11043(6) People ignore you at parties. 11044(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning. 11045(8) You no longer get off on cocaine. 11046% 11047 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 11048(1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear 11049 bomb; use the stairs. 11050(2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit 11051 the ground. 11052(3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. 11053(4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to 11054 psychological problems. 11055(5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to 11056 recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed 11057 potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. 11058(6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs 11059 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. 11060(7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles. 11061(8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be 11062 staggering illegally. 11063(9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more 11064 sanitary due to limited circulation. 11065(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on 11066 D-Day. 11067% 11068SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) 11069 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless 11070 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority 11071 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People 11072 laugh at you a great deal. 11073% 11074San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. 11075 -- Herb Caen 11076% 11077San Francisco, n.: 11078 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. 11079% 11080Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind. 11081 -- Mark Harrold 11082% 11083Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, 11084 He must be a communist. 11085And a beard and long hair, 11086 Must be a pacifist. 11087 11088 What's in that pipe that he's smoking? 11089 -- Arlo Guthrie 11090% 11091Satellite Safety Tip #14: 11092 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. 11093% 11094Sattinger's Law: 11095 It works better if you plug it in. 11096% 11097Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, 11098 Is like being nowhere at all, 11099All through the day how the hours rush by, 11100 You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. 11101 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" 11102% 11103Sauron is alive in Argentina! 11104% 11105Save energy: be apathetic. 11106% 11107Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda. 11108% 11109Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 11110% 11111Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I 11112ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. 11113 -- Steven Wright 11114% 11115SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! 11116 -- Ken Thompson 11117% 11118Schapiro's Explanation: 11119 The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's 11120because they use more manure. 11121% 11122Schizophrenia beats being alone. 11123% 11124Schlattwhapper, n.: 11125 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, 11126hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. 11127 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11128% 11129Schnuffel, n.: 11130 A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in 11131mixed company. 11132 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11133% 11134Schwiggle, n.: 11135 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a 11136pencil. 11137 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11138% 11139Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made 11140of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts 11141is not necessarily science. 11142 -- Henri Poincar'e 11143% 11144Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. 11145% 11146Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it. 11147 -- William Buckley 11148 11149% 11150SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) 11151 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will 11152 achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of 11153 ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered. 11154% 11155Scott's first Law: 11156 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. 11157% 11158Scott's second Law: 11159 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found 11160to have been wrong in the first place. 11161 11162Corollary: 11163 After the correction has been found in error, it will be 11164impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. 11165% 11166Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! 11167Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? 11168Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. 11169Kirk: Then it's of external origin? 11170Spock: Affirmative. 11171Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. 11172Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. 11173% 11174Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. 11175% 11176Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the 11177Presidency. 11178 -- Richard Nixon 11179% 11180Second Law of Business Meetings: 11181 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you 11182will pick the wrong one. 11183 11184Corollary: 11185 If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it 11186wrong, anyway. 11187% 11188Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State). 11189 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a 11190multiline message byte. 11191 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message 11192must be sent passive true. 11193 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter: 11194 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false 11195 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither: 11196 (a) The LADS is active 11197 (b) Nor LACS is active 11198 11199 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for 11200 Programmable Instrumentation 11201% 11202Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! 11203% 11204Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. 11205She scissored short. Sorely shorn, 11206Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, 11207Silently scheming, 11208Sightlessly seeking 11209Some savage, spectacular suicide. 11210 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 11211% 11212See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ... 11213% 11214Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: 11215 Ice Cream cures all ills. 11216% 11217Self Test for Paranoia: 11218 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's 11219your own fault. 11220% 11221Seminars, n.: 11222 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion. 11223% 11224Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would 11225 notify you if the record has pornographic material or 11226 material glorifying violence?" 11227Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me." 11228Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's 11229 legs on the album cover is good indication that it's 11230 not for little Johnny." 11231 11232 -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock 11233 lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985 11234% 11235Senate, n.: 11236 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and 11237misdemeanors. 11238 -- Ambrose Bierce 11239% 11240Serenity through viciousness. 11241% 11242Serocki's Stricture: 11243 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. 11244% 11245Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. 11246% 11247 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated 11248thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY 11249advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." 11250 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. 11251 "Too proud?" the other enquired. 11252 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," 11253she said, "that one can't help growing older." 11254 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With 11255proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." 11256 -- Lewis Carroll 11257% 11258Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a 11259big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at 11260reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's 11261build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up 11262like crabgrass all over the United States. 11263 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 11264% 11265Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke. 11266% 11267Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 11268 -- Swami X 11269% 11270Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. 11271 -- M. C. Reed 11272% 11273Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, 11274it's one of the best. 11275 -- Woody Allen 11276% 11277Shamus, n. [Yiddish]: 11278 A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the 11279temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. 11280 A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue 11281functionaries, and there's a joke about that: 11282 A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the 11283middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be 11284bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" 11285 The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I 11286am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks 11287he's nobody!" 11288 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 11289% 11290Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off 11291during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. 11292 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 11293 Teen Should Know" 11294% 11295Shaw's Principle: 11296 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will 11297want to use it. 11298% 11299She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to. 11300 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 11301% 11302She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. 11303 -- Mark Twain 11304% 11305She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them 11306were bad. 11307% 11308She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could 11309have poured on a waffle ... 11310% 11311She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, 11312you should hear me play piano.' 11313 -- Morrisey 11314% 11315She's genuinely bogus. 11316% 11317Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have 11318taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an 11319excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. 11320 -- Samuel Johnson 11321% 11322SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! 11323POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! 11324% 11325Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is 11326playing golf with his boss. 11327% 11328Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. 11329% 11330Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. 11331 -- from the Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet 11332% 11333Silverman's Law: 11334 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. 11335% 11336Simon's Law: 11337 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. 11338% 11339Since I hurt my pendulum 11340My life is all erratic. 11341My parrot, who was cordial, 11342Is now transmitting static. 11343The carpet died, a palm collapsed, 11344The cat keeps doing poo. 11345The only thing that keeps me sane 11346Is talking to my shoe. 11347 -- My Shoe 11348% 11349Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're 11350alive. 11351 -- John Sloan 11352% 11353Since we're all here, we must not be all there. 11354 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck 11355% 11356[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the 11357vices I admire. 11358 -- Winston Churchill 11359% 11360Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate 11361Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically 11362excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text. 11363This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally 11364examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published 11365Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be 11366printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry 11367comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had 11368no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy. 11369% 11370Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): 11371 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, 11372or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should 11373have gotten. 11374% 11375Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes 11376to work. 11377% 11378Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, 11379when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and 11380apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I 11381neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a 11382tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they 11383were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of 11384souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a 11385testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from 11386chains. 11387 -- Frederick Douglass 11388% 11389Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 11390 (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad 11391 check. 11392 (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 11393 (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is 11394 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is 11395 attracted to dark objects. 11396% 11397Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ... 11398% 11399Slurm, n.: 11400 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when 11401it sits in the dish too long. 11402 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11403% 11404Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. 11405 -- Fletcher Knebel 11406% 11407Snacktrek, n.: 11408 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly 11409returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have 11410materialized. 11411 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11412% 11413So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate 11414your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and 11415hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast 11416array of 8-millimeter video equipment. 11417 11418... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you 11419were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format 11420that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as 11421toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be 11422made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a 11423format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*. 11424 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics 11425 Revolution" 11426% 11427So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in 11428praise of intelligence. 11429 -- Bertrand Russell 11430% 11431... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those 11432who wish to tyranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, 11433and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious 11434and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. 11435 -- Voltarine de Cleyre 11436% 11437 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. 11438With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to 11439maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of 11440corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to 11441flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward 11442it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- 11443I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in 11444the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. 11445 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and 11446I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our 11447heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're 11448unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water 11449up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the 11450opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of 11451our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all 11452the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers 11453cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen 11454these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked 11455into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. 11456 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 11457% 11458So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple 11459pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops 11460its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very 11461imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, 11462and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, 11463and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the 11464gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots. 11465 -- Samuel Foote 11466% 11467... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their 11468procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as 11469to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of 11470sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making 11471documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly 11472listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another 11473documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, 11474under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the 11475effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply 11476scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White 11477in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of 11478thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and 11479then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very 11480dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all 11481along. 11482 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 11483% 11484So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? 11485And why can't he ever remember his Bible? 11486% 11487Sodd's Second Law: 11488 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is 11489bound to occur. 11490% 11491Software, n.: 11492 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. 11493% 11494Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit. 11495% 11496Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. 11497 -- Ed Howe 11498% 11499Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to 11500celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around 11501stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on 11502"The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind 11503of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The 11504government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level 11505Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and 11506billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which 11507it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming 11508thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with 11509the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money 11510and go to a mall. 11511 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 11512% 11513Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some 11514people have mediocrity thrust upon them. 11515 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 11516% 11517Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only 11518one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." 11519% 11520Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit 11521them on the head. 11522% 11523Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic. 11524% 11525Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when 11526you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even 11527worse. 11528 -- Avery 11529% 11530Some points to remember [about animals]: 11531 11532(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, 11533 hippopotamuses; 11534(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the 11535 front of your clothes; 11536(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs 11537 you have just kicked. 11538 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 11539% 11540Some primal termite knocked on wood. 11541And tasted it, and found it good. 11542And that is why your Cousin May 11543Fell through the parlor floor today. 11544 -- Ogden Nash 11545% 11546Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand 11547progress. 11548% 11549Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand 11550progress. 11551 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 11552% 11553Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the 11554pens will multiply instead of disappear. 11555% 11556Someone will try to honk your nose today. 11557% 11558Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm 11559the only ashtray. 11560% 11561Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. 11562 -- Lily Tomlin 11563% 11564"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the 11565Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then 11566intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men 11567and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our 11568best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are 11569we not God's Machineries of Joy?" 11570 11571"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." 11572 -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" 11573% 11574Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. 11575% 11576Song Title of the Week: 11577 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change 11578in me." 11579% 11580Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. 11581(Those who have already paid may disregard this fortune). 11582% 11583Sorry, no fortune this time. 11584% 11585Sorry. I forget what I was going to say. 11586% 11587Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- 11588bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the 11589road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. 11590 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 11591% 11592Spare no expense to save money on this one. 11593 -- Samuel Goldwyn 11594% 11595Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: 11596 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as 11597if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question 11598back at him. 11599% 11600Speak roughly to your little boy, 11601 And beat him when he sneezes: 11602He only does it to annoy 11603 Because he knows it teases. 11604 11605 Wow! wow! wow! 11606 11607I speak severely to my boy, 11608 And beat him when he sneezes: 11609For he can thoroughly enjoy 11610 The pepper when he pleases! 11611 11612 Wow! wow! wow! 11613 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" 11614% 11615Speak roughly to your little VAX, 11616 And boot it when it crashes; 11617It knows that one cannot relax 11618 Because the paging thrashes! 11619 11620 Wow! Wow! Wow! 11621 11622I speak severely to my VAX, 11623 And boot it when it crashes; 11624In spite of all my favorite hacks 11625 My jobs it always thrashes! 11626 11627 Wow! Wow! Wow! 11628% 11629Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. 11630% 11631Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. 11632 -- Dave Millman 11633% 11634Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am 11635sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, 11636cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free 11637the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a 11638bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a 11639controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before 11640passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same 11641memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, 11642no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously 11643designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? 11644% 11645Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror: 11646 11647 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair 11648 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air! 11649 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down 11650 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds! 11651 Helpless users with projects due 11652 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too! 11653 11654 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla! 11655 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!" 11656 11657* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation 11658* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc. 11659 -- Curtis Jackson 11660% 11661Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently 11662these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people 11663to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't 11664communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so 11665on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real 11666life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't 11667communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least 11668he can do is to Shut Up! 11669 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" 11670% 11671Speed is subsittute fo accurancy. 11672% 11673Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: 11674 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the 11675number of times you have looked at it. 11676% 11677Spelling is a lossed art. 11678% 11679Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. 11680% 11681Spirtle, n.: 11682 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in 11683your eye. 11684 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 11685% 11686Spouse, n.: 11687 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you 11688wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. 11689% 11690Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist 11691drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'ee of bat guano; and the 11692greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll 11693take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up! 11694 -- Harlan Ellison 11695% 11696Stay away from flying saucers today. 11697% 11698Stay away from hurricanes for a while. 11699% 11700Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. 11701% 11702Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: 11703 Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have 11704another drink. 11705% 11706Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming: 11707 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to 11708handle. 11709% 11710Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 11711% 11712Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 11713Now, if they'd only take a bath ... 11714% 11715Stult's Report: 11716 Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is 11717fight the solutions. 11718% 11719Stupid, n.: 11720 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. 11721% 11722Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out? 11723% 11724Sturgeon's Law: 11725 90% of everything is crud. 11726% 11727Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your 11728editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. 11729 -- Mark Twain 11730% 11731Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way 11732before it is understood. 11733% 11734Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. 11735% 11736Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar 11737without his duck ... 11738% 11739(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA) 11740 11741 To code the impossible code, 11742 To bring up a virgin machine, 11743 To pop out of endless recursion, 11744 To grok what appears on the screen, 11745 11746 To right the unrightable bug, 11747 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, 11748 To mount the unmountable magtape, 11749 To stop the unstoppable crash! 11750% 11751Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! 11752% 11753Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy. 11754% 11755Support your local police force -- steal!! 11756% 11757Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost. 11758% 11759Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead! 11760% 11761Surprise due today. Also the rent. 11762% 11763Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. 11764% 11765Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type 11766in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving 11767the room is punishable under law: 11768 11769Name # 11770 11771 11772% 11773Swahili, n.: 11774 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their retractions. 11775 -- Johnny Hart 11776% 11777Sweater, n.: 11778 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. 11779% 11780Swipple's Rule of Order: 11781 He who shouts the loudest has the floor. 11782% 11783Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. 11784 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 11785% 11786Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad 11787infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. 11788 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 11789% 11790 _ 11791 _ / \ o 11792 / \ | | o o o 11793 | | | | _ o o o o 11794 | \_| | / \ o o o 11795 \__ | | | o o 11796 | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____ 11797 | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__ 11798 | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\ 11799 | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " ) 11800 | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >----------- 11801 | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\ 11802 | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\ 11803 // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\ 11804 // ( ) / / \` \__ \\ 11805 //-------------------------------------------------------------\\ 11806 11807Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels 11808start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and 11809then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the 11810music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. 11811 -- H. S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 11812% 11813T: One big monster, he called TROLL. 11814 He don't rock, and he don't roll; 11815 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. 11816 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. 11817 -- The Roguelet's ABC 11818% 11819Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a 11820hole in his head. 11821% 11822Tact, n.: 11823 The unsaid part of what you're thinking. 11824% 11825Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. 11826% 11827Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting 11828enough cheese. 11829 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 11830% 11831Take it easy, we're in a hurry. 11832% 11833Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it 11834needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. 11835 -- Kipling 11836% 11837Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit 11838back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good 11839beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up 11840drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a 11841nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves 11842and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So 11843Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw 11844no need to improve ... 11845 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 11846% 11847Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to 11848your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, 11849and they'll call you crazy. 11850 -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" 11851% 11852Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. 11853 -- Euripides 11854% 11855Talkers are no good doers. 11856 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 11857% 11858Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. 11859 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 11860% 11861TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) 11862 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged 11863 determination and work like hell. Most people think you are 11864 stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist. 11865% 11866Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind 11867the tree." 11868 -- Russell Long 11869% 11870Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself 11871out of the market. 11872% 11873Taxes, n.: 11874 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get 11875an extension. 11876% 11877Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they 11878grows up, they will never be able to edge their car onto a freeway. 11879% 11880Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. 11881% 11882Technological progress has merely provided us 11883with more efficient means for going backwards. 11884 -- Aldous Huxley 11885% 11886Telephone, n.: 11887 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the 11888advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. 11889 -- Ambrose Bierce 11890% 11891Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, 11892Is those things arms, or is they legs? 11893I marvel at thee, Octopus; 11894If I were thou, I'd call me us. 11895 -- Ogden Nash 11896% 11897Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop 11898writing. 11899 -- R. Geis 11900% 11901Terence, this is stupid stuff: 11902You eat your victuals fast enough; 11903There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, 11904To see the rate you drink your beer. 11905But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, 11906It gives a chap the belly-ache. 11907The cow, the old cow, she is dead; 11908It sleeps well the horned head: 11909We poor lads, 'tis our turn now 11910To hear such tunes as killed the cow. 11911Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme 11912Your friends to death before their time. 11913Moping, melancholy mad: 11914Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad. 11915 -- A. E. Housman 11916% 11917Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a 11918surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one 11919hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other 11920hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother. 11921 -- Len Cool, "American Pie" 11922% 11923Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a 11924pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city 11925until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is 11926ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe 11927because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical 11928fact, for he merely said: 11929 11930 "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because 11931 it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain 11932 because it is impossible." 11933 11934Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of 11935philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. 11936 -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types 11937 11938(Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church). 11939% 11940Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. 11941% 11942Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession. 11943% 11944Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even 11945one which cannot be justified on any other grounds. 11946 -- J. Finnegan, USC. 11947% 11948Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future. 11949 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly 11950% 11951That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver. 11952 -- Foghorn Leghorn 11953% 11954That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all. 11955 -- Moliere 11956% 11957That secret you've been guarding, isn't. 11958% 11959That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. 11960 -- Dorothy Parker 11961% 11962The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. 11963% 11964The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by 11965people who want some. 11966 -- Dwight MacDonald 11967% 11968The Abrams' Principle: 11969 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. 11970% 11971The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper 11972 -- Thomas Jefferson 11973% 11974The Advertising Agency Song: 11975 11976 When your client's hopping mad, 11977 Put his picture in the ad. 11978 If he still should prove refractory, 11979 Add a picture of his factory. 11980% 11981The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug 11982someone with it. 11983 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340 11984% 11985... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that 11986consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune 11987of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to 11988listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. 11989 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 11990% 11991The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas 11992River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little 11993Rock. 11994% 11995The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. 11996Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed 11997and color, but also on ability. 11998 -- T. Lehrer 11999% 12000The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. 12001 -- Bill Murray 12002% 12003The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use 12004in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the 12005Declaration not for that, but for future use. 12006 -- Abraham Lincoln 12007% 12008The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m. 12009% 12010The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the 12011average man can see better than he can think. 12012% 12013The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by 12014people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried 12015anything. 12016 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore 12017% 12018The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than 12019cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and 12020difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, 12021which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- 12022here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO 12023RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you 12024want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking 12025lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a 12026squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out 12027and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, 12028his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was 12029neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking 12030lots. 12031 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 12032% 12033The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit 12034called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in 12035writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would 12036be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices 12037immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a 12038bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special 12039Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of 12040paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty 12041would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning. 12042The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to 12043emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood 12044Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets." 12045 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 12046% 12047The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; 12048but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. 12049% 12050The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. 12051 -- W. C. Fields 12052% 12053The best defense against logic is ignorance. 12054% 12055The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. 12056% 12057"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and 12058blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. 12059You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at 12060night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only 12061love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or 12062know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only 12063one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what 12064wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, 12065never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never 12066dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a 12067lot of things there are to learn." 12068 -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King" 12069% 12070The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them 12071is a match. 12072 -- Will Rogers 12073% 12074The bigger the theory the better. 12075% 12076The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse 12077time. 12078 -- Merrick Furst 12079% 12080The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss 12081Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. 12082 12083It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been 12084known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and, 12085in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two 12086under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of 12087people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a 12088city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking 12089umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of 12090activity that frightens the horses on the street ... 12091% 12092The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch. 12093% 12094The bogosity meter just pegged. 12095% 12096The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up 12097in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school. 12098% 12099The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: 12100 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a 12101program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and 12102convert to the next higher units. 12103% 12104The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. 12105Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in 12106automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. 12107 -- Art Buchwald 12108% 12109The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding 12110bureaucracy. 12111% 12112The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the 12113flexibility and power of assembly language with the readability 12114of assembly language. 12115% 12116The camel has a single hump; 12117The dromedary two; 12118Or else the other way around. 12119I'm never sure. Are you? 12120 -- Ogden Nash 12121% 12122The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly 12123greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed 12124inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner 12125party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics. 12126 -- H. L. Mencken 12127% 12128The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain. 12129 -- G. Fitch 12130% 12131The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up 12132at the steam fitters' picnic. 12133% 12134The chief cause of problems is solutions. 12135 -- Eric Sevareid 12136% 12137The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions. 12138 -- Alfred Adler 12139% 12140The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will 12141walk carefully. 12142 -- Russian Proverb 12143% 12144The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 12145% 12146The Computer made me do it. 12147% 12148The computing field is always in need of new cliches. 12149 -- Alan Perlis 12150% 12151The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his 12152memos. 12153 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 12154% 12155The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other 12156subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up 12157every bird watcher in the country. 12158 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972 12159% 12160The Consultant's Curse: 12161 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him 12162what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong 12163medicine, and is normally only required once. 12164% 12165The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is 12166none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." 12167Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. 12168Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you 12169talked about. 12170 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 12171% 12172The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. 12173% 12174The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. 12175% 12176The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to 12177eat. 12178 -- John McNulty 12179% 12180The Crown is full of it! 12181 -- Nate Harris, 1775 12182% 12183The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should 12184therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could 12185hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to 12186declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war, 12187then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press. 12188Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges. 12189 -- William Ellery Channing 12190% 12191The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. 12192% 12193The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of 12194us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching 12195Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. 12196% 12197The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? 12198% 12199The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. 12200% 12201The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell 12202into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him 12203out again, it would be a calamity. 12204 -- Benjamin Disraeli 12205% 12206The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science 12207requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. 12208 -- Robert Heinlein 12209% 12210The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the 12211following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: 12212 12213 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. 12214Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is 12215Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. 12216 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. 12217Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. 12218Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. 12219Macaroons are ____very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is 12220goyish. Lime soda is ____very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that 12221Jews won't go near them ..." 12222 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 12223% 12224The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on 12225a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets. 12226% 12227The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man 12228really clever who has not found that he is stupid. 12229 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson 12230% 12231The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show 12232off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his 12233next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the 12234duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the 12235duck and returned it to his master. 12236 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. 12237 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." 12238% 12239The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late 12240and owns the worm farm. 12241 -- Travis McGee 12242% 12243The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. 12244% 12245The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and 12246add ten percent. 12247% 12248The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on 12249weather forecasters. 12250 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann 12251% 12252The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not 12253Compute' -- I forget which. 12254 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 12255% 12256The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of 12257civilization. 12258 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 12259% 12260The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with 12261symposium to follow. 12262% 12263The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach 12264their children to speak it. 12265 -- G. B. Shaw 12266% 12267The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a 12268remarkable Christian forbearance among men. 12269 -- Ambrose Bierce 12270% 12271The fact that it works is immaterial. 12272 -- L. Ogborn 12273% 12274The faster we go, the rounder we get. 12275 -- The Grateful Dead 12276% 12277The Fifth Rule: 12278 You have taken yourself too seriously. 12279% 12280The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. 12281 -- Abbie Hoffman 12282% 12283The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King 12284Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a 12285tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad 12286forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously 12287fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of 12288threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked 12289suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of 12290foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead 12291one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with 12292dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found 12293drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown 12294and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have 12295thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture 12296of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left 12297in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed 12298crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave 12299Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when 12300a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful 12301throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system. 12302 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 12303% 12304The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of 12305management is that success equals skill. 12306 -- Robert Heller 12307% 12308The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish 12309child, was propounded to me by my father: 12310 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and 12311whistles?" 12312 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity 12313gave up. 12314 "A herring," said my father. 12315 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" 12316 "So hang it there." 12317 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. 12318 "Paint it." 12319 "But a herring isn't wet." 12320 "If it's just painted it's still wet." 12321 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring 12322doesn't whistle!!" 12323 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it 12324hard." 12325 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish" 12326% 12327The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your 12328hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do. 12329 -- McCloctnik the Lucid 12330% 12331The First Rule of Program Optimization: 12332 Don't do it. 12333 12334The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): 12335 Don't do it yet. 12336 -- Michael Jackson 12337% 12338The first time, it's a KLUDGE! 12339The second, a trick. 12340Later, it's a well-established technique! 12341 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics 12342% 12343The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions 12344Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals: 12345 12346As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of 12347logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more 12348appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the 12349four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector. 12350 . . . 12351Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible 12352blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves 12353parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge 12354of the hyper-cube. 12355% 12356The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by 12357a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. 12358% 12359The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. 12360 -- Dave Barry 12361% 12362The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the 12363number of your kids by 32 teeth. 12364% 12365The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to 12366chance. 12367% 12368The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. 12369% 12370The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the 12371center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South 12372Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South 12373End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. 12374% 12375The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled 12376today. 12377% 12378The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at 12379least until we've finished building it. 12380% 12381The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. 12382The goal of nature is to build better mice. 12383% 12384The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him 12385love and he invented marriage. 12386% 12387THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES 12388 The one who has the gold makes the rules. 12389% 12390The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who 12391make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians 12392have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine 12393man in the bonds of Hell. 12394 -- St. Augustine 12395% 12396The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got 12397to be good. 12398% 12399 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop") 12400 12401On the good ship Enterprise 12402Every week there's a new surprise 12403Where the Romulans lurk 12404And the Klingons often go berserk. 12405 12406Yes, the good ship Enterprise 12407There's excitement anywhere it flies 12408Where Tribbles play 12409And Nurse Chapel never gets her way. 12410 12411 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge, 12412 Mr. Spock is at his side. 12413 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh 12414 It gets fried, scattered far and wide. 12415 12416It's the good ship Enterprise 12417Heading out where danger lies 12418And you live in dread 12419If you're wearing a shirt that's red. 12420 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics 12421% 12422The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of 12423statistics. These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are 12424extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive 12425displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every 12426case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts 12427down anything he damn well pleases. 12428 -- Sir Josiah Stamp 12429% 12430The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all 12431who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature. 12432 -- Benjamin Franklin 12433% 12434The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: 12435 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in 12436courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk 12437clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods 12438of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp 12439Hedgehog Eater. 12440 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 12441% 12442The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men 12443of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. 12444 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis 12445% 12446The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. 12447 -- Albert Einstein 12448% 12449The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a 12450custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the 12451contrary, nohow. 12452% 12453The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: 12454 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. 12455% 12456The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent 12457thinkers. 12458% 12459The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back, 12460which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at 12461least 5000 years old." 12462% 12463The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for 12464lists of "Ten Best". 12465 -- H. Allen Smith 12466% 12467The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and 12468has gills through which it can see. 12469 -- Monty Python 12470% 12471The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its 12472capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. 12473% 12474The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange 12475protein -- it rejects it. 12476 -- P. Medawar 12477% 12478The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can 12479remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider 12480struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in 12481spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and 12482wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head 12483off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe. 12484 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 12485% 12486The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. 12487 -- Mark Twain 12488% 12489The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that 12490procession but carrying a banner. 12491 -- Mark Twain 12492% 12493The idea is to die young as late as possible. 12494 -- Ashley Montague 12495% 12496The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic 12497devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, 12498where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with 12499sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed, 12500consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than 12501have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones 12502repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist 12503of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic 12504devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!" 12505 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 12506% 12507The identical is equal to itself, since it is different. 12508 -- Franco Spisani 12509% 12510The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer. 12511 -- Henry Kissinger 12512% 12513The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf 12514has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know 12515when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. 12516 -- Will Rogers 12517% 12518The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important 12519point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly 12520important thing to people. 12521 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King 12522% 12523The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the 12524number of participants. 12525 -- Adam Walinsky 12526% 12527The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided 12528by the number of people in the group. 12529% 12530The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free 12531information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a 12532dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a 12533real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. 12534 12535So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never 12536pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big 12537consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... 12538 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 12539% 12540The Kennedy Constant: 12541 Don't get mad -- get even. 12542% 12543The Killer Ducks are coming!!! 12544% 12545The ladies men admire, I've heard, 12546Would shudder at a wicked word. 12547Their candle gives a single light; 12548They'd rather stay at home at night. 12549They do not keep awake till three, 12550Nor read erotic poetry. 12551They never sanction the impure, 12552Nor recognize an overture. 12553They shrink from powders and from paints ... 12554So far, I've had no complaints. 12555 -- Dorothy Parker 12556% 12557The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a 12558word processor," I replied, "They used to say the same thing about 12559drugs." 12560 -- Roy Blount, Jr. 12561% 12562The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the 12563law free. 12564 -- Henry David Thoreau 12565% 12566The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the 12567poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal 12568bread. 12569 -- Anatole France 12570% 12571The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all 12572men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the 12573universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we 12574presently imagine we own. 12575 -- H. G. Wells 12576% 12577 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE 12578 12579SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language 12580Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for 12581Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code 12582with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, 12583END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make 12584a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus 12585they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without 12586the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. 12587% 12588 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP 12589 12590This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of 12591an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said 12592to be useful in protheththing lithtth. 12593% 12594 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL 12595 12596SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. 12597Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they 12598compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the 12599coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom 12600sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to 12601compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but 12602infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. 12603% 12604 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE 12605 12606Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely 12607unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just 12608are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. 12609SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at 12610parties. 12611% 12612 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C- 12613 12614This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he 12615submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is 12616best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the 12617language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code 12618statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very 12619similar to COBOL. 12620% 12621 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH 12622 12623FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types 12624refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and 12625JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and 12626BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, 12627CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. 12628 12629The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and 12630financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include 12631VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH 12632and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers 12633who end up using this language. 12634% 12635 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE 12636 12637Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene 12638Descartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The 12639language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics 12640and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A 12641spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of 12642ours." 12643 12644The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have 12645almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the 12646organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to 12647exist. 12648% 12649 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL 12650From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, 12651VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. 12652 12653Here is a sample program: 12654 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START 12655 IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND 12656 VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN 12657 FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 12658 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2) 12659 BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) 12660 SURE 12661 LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM 12662 REALLY 12663 LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW) 12664 IM*SURE 12665 GOTO THE MALL 12666 12667When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message: 12668 12669 GAG ME WITH A SPOON!! 12670% 12671 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK 12672 12673This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, 12674Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to 12675the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. 12676 12677The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs 12678while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there 12679because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and 12680Perrier. 12681 12682Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle 12683and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower 12684case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the 12685message: 12686 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can 12687 you find the time to try it again?" 12688% 12689The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching 12690train. 12691% 12692The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon. 12693% 12694The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get 12695much sleep. 12696 -- Woody Allen 12697% 12698The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. 12699 -- Henry Kissinger 12700% 12701The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as 12702we could with both of them. 12703 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 12704% 12705The makers may make 12706And the users may use, 12707But the fixers must fix 12708With but minimal clues 12709% 12710The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the 12711crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no 12712one has ever been. 12713 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 12714% 12715The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that 12716will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. 12717 -- Mark Twain 12718% 12719The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a 12720soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which 12721when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years. 12722% 12723... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ... 12724 -- Dave Barry 12725% 12726The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. 12727% 12728 The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the 12729klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." 12730 12731 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" 12732 12733 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" 12734% 12735The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to 12736devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. 12737 -- Lew Mammel, Jr. 12738% 12739The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might 12740be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the 12741law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was 12742guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples 12743Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking 12744Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality 12745of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive 12746power. 12747 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems 12748 Thinking." 12749% 12750The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything. 12751 -- Laurence J. Peter 12752% 12753The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. 12754 -- Nicol Williamson 12755% 12756The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. 12757% 12758The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. 12759% 12760The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the 12761lower the mailing cost. 12762 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 12763% 12764The more laws and order are made prominent, 12765the more thieves and robbers there will be. 12766 -- Lao Tsu 12767% 12768The more things change, the more they stay insane. 12769% 12770The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us 12771is right. 12772% 12773The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. 12774 -- Andy Warhol 12775% 12776The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and 12777to watch someone else do it wrong without comment. 12778 -- Theodore H. White 12779% 12780The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new 12781discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." 12782 -- Isaac Asimov 12783% 12784The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. 12785% 12786... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! 12787% 12788 "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" 12789 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to 12790feel interested. 12791 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little 12792vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged 12793Aged Man.'" 12794 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" 12795Alice corrected herself. 12796 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is 12797called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" 12798 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time 12799completely bewildered. 12800 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is 12801"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." 12802 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 12803% 12804The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 128051986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert. 12806 -- D. Letterman 12807% 12808The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: 12809 Support your right to bare arms! 12810% 12811The net of law is spread so wide, 12812No sinner from its sweep may hide. 12813Its meshes are so fine and strong, 12814They take in every child of wrong. 12815O wondrous web of mystery! 12816Big fish alone escape from thee! 12817 -- James Jeffrey Roche 12818% 12819The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I 12820hope I don't get run over again. 12821% 12822The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, 12823in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. 12824 12825 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for 12826 whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. 12827 -- Matthew 5:37 12828% 12829The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The 12830Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. 12831The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive 12832and running the country ... 12833 -- Robert J. Woodhead 12834% 12835The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to 12836choose from. 12837 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 12838% 12839The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 1284080-column card. 12841 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 12842% 12843The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should 12844serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society 12845these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their 12846function is to serve as checks upon the state. 12847 -- Alan Barth 12848% 12849The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are 12850correct. 12851 -- Ralph Hartley 12852% 12853The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly 12854analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their 12855occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve 12856these problems when called upon. 12857 12858However, when you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to 12859remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. 12860% 12861The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: 12862 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, 12863Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate 12864Planning." 12865% 12866The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. 12867% 12868The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age 12869brings wisdom. 12870 -- H. L. Mencken 12871% 12872The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader 12873catch his own breath. 12874 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart 12875% 12876The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when 12877to cringe. 12878% 12879The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the 12880`social sciences' is: some do, some don't. 12881 -- Ernest Rutherford 12882% 12883The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop 12884and take a rest. 12885% 12886The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon. 12887 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and 12888 Over and Over" 12889% 12890The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it. 12891% 12892The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber 12893has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, 12894finished, and put inside boxes. 12895 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 12896% 12897The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. 12898It is never any use to oneself. 12899 -- Oscar Wilde 12900% 12901The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history. 12902 -- Hegel 12903 12904I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the 12905long view. 12906 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar" 12907% 12908The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. 12909 -- Oscar Wilde 12910% 12911The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up 12912until 5 or 6 p.m. 12913% 12914The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 12915 -- Niels Bohr 12916% 12917The optimum committee has no members. 12918 -- Norman Augustine 12919% 12920The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost 12921went back in time. 12922 -- Steven Wright 12923% 12924The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because 12925it isn't here. 12926 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) 12927% 12928The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it 12929were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. 12930 -- H. L. Mencken 12931% 12932 The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the 12933Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a 12934large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' 12935it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the 12936apparatus for a spectator sport. 12937 12938 The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for 12939castrating pigs during Sunday service. 12940 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 12941% 12942The Pig, if I am not mistaken, 12943Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. 12944Let others think his heart is big, 12945I think it stupid of the Pig. 12946 -- Ogden Nash 12947% 12948The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter 12949swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the 12950batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The 12951center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute 12952his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. 12953 -- Dizzy Dean 12954% 12955The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose. 12956 -- David Lardner 12957% 12958The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish 12959to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it 12960is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of 12961courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own 12962preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper 12963social function of expressing true distaste. 12964 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to 12965 Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" 12966% 12967The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often. 12968% 12969The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, 12970 Were each of them once a kiddie. 12971A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. 12972 Do I want one? God Forbiddie! 12973 -- Ogden Nash 12974% 12975The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his 12976brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is 12977Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. 12978 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter 12979% 12980The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday 12981they might force their beliefs on us. 12982 -- Mario Cuomo 12983% 12984The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired 12985warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by 12986changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped 12987marker. 12988 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 12989% 12990The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to 12991constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every 12992appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA 12993statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This 12994also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. 12995 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers 12996% 12997The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough 12998voters to win the next election. 12999% 13000The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" 13001represents the secondary theme: 13002 13003 Law Enforcement Officials 13004 13005The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: 13006 13007 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials 13008 13009 -- M. Gallaher 13010% 13011... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from 13012other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in 13013charity we can only call "inhuman." 13014 -- R. A. Lafferty 13015% 13016The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the 13017stupidity of your action. 13018% 13019The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. 13020Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil 13021using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle 13022Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, 13023etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous 13024bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None 13025of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats 13026developed cancer. 13027 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 13028% 13029The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go 13030to erase it. 13031 -- Glaser and Way 13032% 13033The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get 13034results. 13035 13036The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy 13037problems in order to get results. 13038 13039The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy 13040problems in order to get results. 13041% 13042The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be 13043pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. 13044 -- Elizabeth Taylor 13045% 13046The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 13047% 13048The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's 13049outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by 13050mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once 13051tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims 13052the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. 13053 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13054% 13055"The pyramid is opening!" 13056"Which one?" 13057"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" 13058 -- The Firesign Theatre, "How Can You Be In Two Places At 13059 Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" 13060% 13061The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's: 13062 "My brain is paged out to my liver" 13063% 13064The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is 13065it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, 13066that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of 13067industrial waste? 13068 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 13069% 13070The rain it raineth on the just 13071 And also on the unjust fella, 13072But chiefly on the just, because 13073 The unjust steals the just's umbrella. 13074 --Lord Bowen 13075% 13076The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is 13077cursed. 13078% 13079The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. 13080% 13081The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", 13082which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape 13083Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil 13084Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like. 13085 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 13086% 13087The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one 13088persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all 13089progress depends on the unreasonable man. 13090 -- George Bernard Shaw 13091% 13092The revolution will not be televised. 13093% 13094The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. 13095 -- Emerson 13096% 13097The rhino is a homely beast, 13098For human eyes he's not a feast. 13099Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros, 13100I'll stare at something less prepoceros. 13101 -- Ogden Nash 13102% 13103The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This 13104means that only left handed people are in their right mind. 13105% 13106The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests 13107and to his imagination for his facts. 13108 -- Sheridan 13109% 13110The right to revolt has sources deep in our history. 13111 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas 13112% 13113The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the 13114House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights 13115you have and what rights you have not got. 13116 -- J. Parnell Thomas 13117% 13118The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with 13119sloppy analysis! 13120% 13121The Roman Rule 13122 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the 13123 one who is doing it. 13124% 13125The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in 13126his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on 13127one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't 13128take it too seriously. 13129 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13130% 13131The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or 13132give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. 13133 -- Jane Bryant Quinn 13134% 13135"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography" 13136% 13137The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 13138showed that all had these things in common: 13139 13140 (1) They all had moderate appetites. 13141 (2) They all came from middle class homes 13142 (3) All but two of them were dead. 13143% 13144The scum also rises. 13145 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson 13146% 13147The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, 13148respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones 13149from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the 13150milestones are lifted. 13151 -- George Bernard Shaw 13152% 13153 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood 13154as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. 13155The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in 13156the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in 13157twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive. 13158 13159 "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached 13160everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a 13161fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- 13162and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." 13163 13164 "How?" demanded Fafhrd. 13165 13166 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." 13167 -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar" 13168% 13169The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land. 13170% 13171The shortest distance between two points is under construction. 13172 -- Noelie Alito 13173% 13174The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee: 13175 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going 13176in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long 13177way.) 13178 -- Dan Roddick 13179% 13180The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity 13181and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted 13182activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ... 13183neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water. 13184% 13185The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their 13186money. 13187 -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon" 13188% 13189The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up! 13190% 13191The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be 13192able to correct them. 13193 -- Nicolaides 13194% 13195The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. 13196% 13197The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's 13198readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of 13199some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet 13200reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led 13201the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well 13202known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at 13203Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program 13204of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of 13205psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three 13206Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That 13207these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a 13208further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want 13209something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from 13210the Russians. 13211 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973 13212% 13213 The STAR WARS Song 13214 Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: 13215 13216I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah 13217Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda 13218 S-O-D-A soda 13219I saw the little runt sitting there on a log 13220I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda 13221 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 13222 13223Well I've been around but I ain't never seen 13224A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green 13225 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 13226Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand 13227How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand 13228 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 13229% 13230The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub. 13231% 13232The steady state of disks is full. 13233 -- Ken Thompson 13234% 13235 THE STORY OF CREATION 13236 or 13237 THE MYTH OF URK 13238 13239In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, 13240and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM 13241was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be 13242registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; 13243and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data 13244Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening 13245and there was morning, one interrupt. 13246 -- Rico Tudor 13247% 13248The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make 13249them unsafe. 13250 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo 13251% 13252The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and 13253is an emerging underachiever. 13254% 13255The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant 13256biology. 13257% 13258The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't 13259even any property taxes. 13260 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b 13261% 13262The sum of the Universe is zero. 13263% 13264The sun was shining on the sea, 13265Shining with all his might: 13266He did his very best to make 13267The billows smooth and bright -- 13268And this was very odd, because it was 13269The middle of the night. 13270 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 13271% 13272The superfluous is very necessary. 13273 -- Voltaire 13274% 13275The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. 13276 -- Mark Twain 13277% 13278The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our 13279authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as 13280the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as 13281the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much 13282radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much 13283as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we 13284receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the 13285Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will 13286heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to 13287the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much 13288heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for 13289radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the 13290earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell 13291cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the 13292fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which 13293burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means 13294that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We 13295have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. 13296 -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 13297% 13298The Third Law of Photography: 13299 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined 13300when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark 13301leaks out. 13302% 13303The Three Laws of Thermodynamics: 13304 13305The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. 13306The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break 13307 even. 13308The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero. 13309% 13310 The Three Major Kind of Tools 13311 13312* Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or 13313 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a 13314 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, 13315 bludgeons, and truncheons.) 13316 13317* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls) 13318 13319* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far 13320 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. 13321 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses 13322 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.) 13323 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 13324% 13325The trouble with a kitten is that 13326When it grows up, it's always a cat 13327 -- Ogden Nash 13328% 13329The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. 13330% 13331The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate 13332it. 13333 -- Franklin P. Jones 13334% 13335The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing 13336more important to do. 13337% 13338The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody 13339appreciates how difficult it was. 13340% 13341The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths. 13342 -- Ken Kesey 13343% 13344The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie. 13345 -- Lenny Bruce 13346% 13347The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. 13348And vice versa. 13349% 13350The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks 13351Which practically conceal its sex. 13352I think it clever of the turtle 13353In such a fix to be so fertile. 13354 -- Ogden Nash 13355% 13356The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 13357% 13358The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more 13359annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. 13360 -- Oscar Wilde 13361% 13362The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are 13363"100 percent American"... 13364 -- U. S. Army (1945) 13365% 13366The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to 13367everybody and still nobody likes him. 13368 -- Jim Samuels 13369% 13370The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be 13371broken. 13372% 13373The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the 13374combination is locked up in the safe. 13375 -- Peter DeVries 13376% 13377The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie 13378Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said 13379to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his 13380decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." 13381% 13382The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and 13383religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging 13384from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its 13385yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the 13386world put together. 13387 -- Sir Peter Medawar 13388% 13389The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be 13390regarded as a criminal offense. 13391 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 13392% 13393The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes 13394the worst cigars. 13395 -- H. L. Mencken 13396% 13397The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid 13398prejudice. 13399 -- Mark Twain 13400% 13401The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. 13402Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts 13403to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to 13404be one of the facts that needs altering. 13405 -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" 13406% 13407The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, 13408it's just a tired feeling: 13409% 13410The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth. 13411% 13412The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity 13413that would be clearly understood. 13414 -- Alexander Haig 13415% 13416The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start 13417with a large fortune. 13418% 13419 THE WOMBAT 13420 13421The wombat lives across the seas, 13422Among the far Antipodes. 13423He may exist on nuts and berries, 13424Or then again, on missionaries; 13425His distant habitat precludes 13426Conclusive knowledge of his moods. 13427But I would not engage the wombat 13428In any form of mortal combat. 13429% 13430The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!! 13431% 13432The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! 13433% 13434The world is coming to an end. Please log off. 13435% 13436The world's as ugly as sin, 13437And almost as delightful. 13438 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson 13439% 13440The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of 13441four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all 13442the answers. 13443% 13444Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. 13445 13446He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, 13447then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open 13448market. 13449 13450If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should 13451not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself. 13452 13453Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. 13454Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. 13455Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. 13456 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 13457% 13458Then here's to the City of Boston, 13459The town of the cries and the groans. 13460Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks, 13461And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns. 13462 -- Franklin Pierce Adams 13463% 13464 THEORY 13465Into love and out again, 13466 Thus I went and thus I go. 13467Spare your voice, and hold your pen: 13468 Well and bitterly I know 13469All the songs were ever sung, 13470 All the words were ever said; 13471Could it be, when I was young, 13472 Someone dropped me on my head? 13473 -- Dorothy Parker 13474% 13475There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday. 13476% 13477There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, 13478and praiseworthy ... 13479 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13480% 13481There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own 13482cats. 13483% 13484There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis 13485are chosen correctly. 13486% 13487There are no games on this system. 13488% 13489There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the 13490existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any 13491marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat 13492engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is 13493obviously impossible. 13494 -- Richard Davisson 13495% 13496There are people so addicted to exaggeration 13497that they can't tell the truth without lying. 13498 -- Josh Billings 13499% 13500There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a 13501vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. 13502 -- Gloria Steinem 13503% 13504 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that 13505someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named 13506Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or 13507Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that 13508every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is 13509this? 13510 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for 13511centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you 13512can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's 13513forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster 13514-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't 13515even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover 13516why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. 13517 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 13518% 13519There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both 13520plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; 13521and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, 13522don't we all? 13523% 13524There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells 13525and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated 13526pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving 13527them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you 13528stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your 13529intelligence. 13530 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII 13531% 13532There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. 13533 -- Disraeli 13534% 13535There are three possibilities: 13536Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; 13537there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or 13538someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor. 13539% 13540There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be 13541offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin 13542a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount 13543of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of 13544affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. 13545When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. 13546Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. 13547 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior 13548% 13549There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and 13550engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far 13551the more certain. 13552 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800 13553% 13554There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring 13555the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many 13556facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next 13557fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent 13558Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's 13559Factor; that's engineering. 13560% 13561There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I 13562can't remember. 13563 -- Italo Svevo 13564% 13565There are three ways to get something done: 13566 (1) Do it yourself. 13567 (2) Hire someone to do it for you. 13568 (3) Forbid your kids to do it. 13569% 13570There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire 13571someone, or forbid your kids to do it. 13572% 13573There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is 13574one of them. 13575% 13576There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect 13577the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the 13578sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. 13579 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 13580% 13581There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good 13582sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. 13583 -- Woody Allen 13584% 13585There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to 13586make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the 13587other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious 13588deficiencies. 13589 -- C. A. R. Hoare 13590% 13591There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the 13592other is to read Pope. 13593 -- Oscar Wilde 13594% 13595There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one 13596works. 13597% 13598There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a 13599suitable application of high explosives. 13600% 13601There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule. 13602 -- R. W. Gerard 13603% 13604There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. 13605 -- Henry Kissinger 13606% 13607There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer 13608than 100. 13609 -- Steele's Law 13610% 13611There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know 13612nothing about. 13613% 13614There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an 13615opinion. 13616 -- Anatole France 13617% 13618There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of 13619paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. 13620% 13621There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. 13622% 13623There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs 13624tied during the month of April. 13625% 13626There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish. 13627 -- Walt Disney 13628% 13629There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, 13630Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and 13631love of the Fatherland. 13632 -- Adolf Hitler 13633% 13634There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly 13635what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly 13636disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and 13637inexplicable. 13638 13639There is another theory which states that this has already happened. 13640 13641 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 13642% 13643There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum. 13644 -- Arthur C. Clarke 13645% 13646There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. 13647 -- Mark Twain 13648% 13649There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the 13650tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not 13651abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and 13652war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, 13653of course. 13654 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. 13655% 13656There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. 13657 -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, World Future Society 13658 Convention, 1977 13659% 13660There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. 13661 -- G. B. Shaw 13662% 13663There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. 13664% 13665There is no such thing as fortune. Try again. 13666% 13667There is no time like the pleasant. 13668% 13669There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be 13670doing. 13671% 13672There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. 13673There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS I'm very probably wrong. 13674% 13675"There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," 13676said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just 13677a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable 13678question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been 13679there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in 13680the middle of the night?'" 13681% 13682There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the 13683ocean level wouldn't cure. 13684 -- Ross MacDonald 13685% 13686There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and 13687that is not being talked about. 13688 -- Oscar Wilde 13689% 13690There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale 13691returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. 13692 -- Mark Twain 13693% 13694There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it. 13695 -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia 13696% 13697There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were 13698left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. 13699Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they 13700started debating who should be allowed to stay. 13701 13702The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all 13703over the world, the President explained that if he died then America 13704would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley 13705said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair 13706thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 13707votes. 13708% 13709There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: 13710both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to 13711talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him 13712during the trial. 13713 -- David Letterman 13714% 13715There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of 13716the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- 13717digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 137188-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the 13719transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity 13720stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative 13721feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching 13722systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the 13723first electrical digital computer, and the first communications 13724satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the 13725telephone business? 13726% 13727There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not 13728a fence. 13729% 13730There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. 13731% 13732There's little in taking or giving, 13733 There's little in water or wine: 13734This living, this living, this living, 13735 Was never a project of mine. 13736Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is 13737 The gain of the one at the top, 13738For art is a form of catharsis, 13739 And love is a permanent flop, 13740And work is the province of cattle, 13741 And rest's for a clam in a shell, 13742So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- 13743 Would you kindly direct me to hell? 13744 -- Dorothy Parker 13745% 13746There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our 13747whole lives, win, lose, or draw. 13748 -- Walt Kelly 13749% 13750There's no future in time travel. 13751% 13752There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. 13753 -- Dr. Who 13754% 13755There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get 13756any worse. 13757% 13758There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. 13759% 13760There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government 13761working for you. 13762 -- Will Rodgers 13763% 13764There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and 13765dead armadillos. 13766 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner 13767% 13768There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them 13769won't aggravate. 13770% 13771There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn 13772what it is I'll get married again. 13773 -- Clint Eastwood 13774% 13775There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is 13776becoming an endangered synthetic. 13777 -- Lily Tomlin 13778% 13779"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" 13780"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" 13781"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP 13782out of MEGATON MAN!" 13783% 13784These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they 13785used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. 13786% 13787They also surf who only stand on waves. 13788% 13789They make a desert and call it peace. 13790 -- Tacitus (55?-120?) 13791% 13792They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners 13793always spell better than they pronounce. 13794 -- Mark Twain 13795% 13796They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary 13797safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. 13798 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 13799% 13800They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them! 13801% 13802They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results 13803 About a month before. Their hair began to curl 13804The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it 13805 But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. 13806 13807He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this 13808 To pass where they had failed For it must ever be 13809And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest 13810 The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. 13811 13812My notion was to start again 13813 Ignoring all they'd done 13814We quickly turned it into code 13815 To see if it would run. 13816% 13817They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! 13818% 13819They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult to like. 13820 -- Avon 13821% 13822Things are more like they used to be than they are now. 13823% 13824Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. 13825% 13826Think big. Pollute the Mississippi. 13827% 13828Think honk if you're a telepath. 13829% 13830Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! 13831% 13832Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer 13833crashes. 13834% 13835Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". 13836% 13837"Thirty days hath Septober, 13838April, June, and no wonder. 13839all the rest have peanut butter 13840except my father who wears red suspenders." 13841% 13842This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14 13843% 13844This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need, 13845please use the program "________randchar". This program generates random 13846characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with 13847something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be 13848more profound than THIS program has ever been. 13849% 13850This fortune intentionally not included. 13851% 13852This fortune is false. 13853% 13854This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. 13855% 13856This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, 13857regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys... 13858% 13859This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT DOG. 13860 -- Bob Violence 13861% 13862This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an 13863actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you? 13864% 13865This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, 13866because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under 13867which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has 13868"deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the 13869consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any 13870rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for 13871oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill 13872Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers 13873over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These 13874innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been 13875passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with 13876amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do 13877apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, 13878and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out. 13879 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations" 13880% 13881This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement. 13882% 13883This is for all ill-treated fellows 13884 Unborn and unbegot, 13885For them to read when they're in trouble 13886 And I am not. 13887 -- A. E. Housman 13888% 13889This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back 13890to one. 13891 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351 13892% 13893This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. 13894% 13895THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM 13896 13897If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your 13898contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue 13899without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are 13900contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We 13901can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money 13902for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the 13903difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight 13904and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to 13905"fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before 13906you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. 13907Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 1390830 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The 13909Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or 13910more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug .... 13911% 13912This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury! 13913% 13914This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the 13915power of computers: 13916 13917Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct 13918the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a 13919minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The 13920results are that one should eat each day: 13921 13922 1/2 chicken 13923 1 egg 13924 1 glass of skim milk 13925 27 heads of lettuce. 13926 -- Rev. Adrian Melott 13927% 13928This is the story of the bee 13929Whose sex is very hard to see 13930 13931You cannot tell the he from the she 13932But she can tell, and so can he 13933 13934The little bee is never still 13935She has no time to take the pill 13936 13937And that is why, in times like these 13938There are so many sons of bees. 13939% 13940This is your fortune. 13941% 13942This land is full of trousers! 13943this land is full of mausers! 13944 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down! 13945 -- The Firesign Theatre 13946% 13947This land is made of mountains, 13948This land is made of mud, 13949This land has lots of everything, 13950For me and Elmer Fudd. 13951 13952This land has lots of trousers, 13953This land has lots of mousers, 13954And pussycats to eat them 13955When the sun goes down. 13956% 13957This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, 13958you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where 13959to go. 13960% 13961This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88 13962% 13963This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with 13964great force. 13965 -- Dorothy Parker 13966% 13967This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of 13968the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many 13969solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were 13970largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, 13971which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of 13972paper that were unhappy. 13973 -- Douglas Adams 13974% 13975This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does 13976something child-like. 13977 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 13978% 13979This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland 13980student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87. 13981 13982 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use 13983 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one 13984 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system 13985 which identifies errors in the original program. 13986% 13987This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. 13988 -- Douglas Hofstadter 13989% 13990... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives 13991as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as 13992determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people 13993buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s 13994couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three 13995weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available, 13996they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent 13997restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of 13998excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going 13999off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have 14000a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli. 14001 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 14002% 14003This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. 14004% 14005 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire 14006rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better 14007than he does. 14008 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about 14009it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily 14010sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we 14011consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is 14012being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. 14013 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can 14014do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his 14015honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can 14016be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public 14017relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter 14018Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. 14019This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. 14020 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt 14021 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear 14022 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" 14023% 14024Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those 14025of us who do. 14026% 14027Those who can't write, write manuals. 14028% 14029Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate. 14030% 14031Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics. 14032 -- French Proverb 14033% 14034Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. 14035 -- Henry Spencer 14036% 14037Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, 14038for these only gave life, those the art of living well. 14039 -- Aristotle 14040% 14041Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often 14042surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law. 14043 -- Mark B. Cohen 14044% 14045Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. 14046% 14047Those who make peaceful revolution impossible 14048will make violent revolution inevitable. 14049 -- John F. Kennedy 14050% 14051Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are 14052men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean 14053without the roar of its many waters. 14054 -- Frederick Douglass 14055% 14056Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are 14057the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with 14058Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- 14059whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A 14060fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any 14061more about the matter than the others. 14062 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14063% 14064Time flies like an arrow 14065Fruit flies like a banana 14066% 14067Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. 14068% 14069Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so. 14070 -- Ford Prefect 14071% 14072Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at 14073once. 14074% 14075'Tis the dream of each programmer, 14076Before his life is done, 14077To write three lines of APL, 14078And make the damn things run. 14079% 14080 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") 14081Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug 14082Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug 14083And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 14084Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, 14085Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall 14086And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 14087And we've also found Just flip one switch 14088When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch 14089You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble 14090 in a flash. 14091Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU 14092Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," 14093And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. 14094% 14095 To A Quick Young Fox: 14096Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, 14097Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? 14098Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- 14099Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. 14100 -- Lazy Dog 14101% 14102To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. 14103% 14104To be is to do. 14105 -- I. Kant 14106To do is to be. 14107 -- A. Sartre 14108Yabba-Dabba-Doo! 14109 -- F. Flintstone 14110% 14111To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore 14112this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to 14113offer in response is based on information available to make no such 14114statement. 14115% 14116To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, 14117call it the target. 14118% 14119To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. 14120% 14121To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System 14122% 14123To err is human, to moo bovine. 14124% 14125To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. 14126 -- B. Duggan 14127% 14128To generalize is to be an idiot. 14129 -- William Blake 14130% 14131To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three 14132men, two of them absent. 14133% 14134To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. 14135 -- Thomas Edison 14136% 14137To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. 14138 -- Robert Heller 14139% 14140To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall. 14141% 14142To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide 14143a test load. 14144% 14145To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional 14146system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, 14147inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: 14148precision and flexibility may be just as dysfunctional in novel, 14149uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, 14150well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures 14151of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very 14152secure ecological niche. 14153 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" 14154% 14155To understand this important story, you have to understand how the 14156telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local 14157computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is 14158in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the 14159lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan. 14160 14161Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it 14162suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the 14163computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the 14164one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe 14165break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid 14166incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse, 14167an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca 14168pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's 14169loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen 14170and drink gin and laugh themselves silly. 14171 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own 14172 Phones?" 14173% 14174To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it? 14175% 14176To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. 14177 -- Woody Allen 14178% 14179Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. 14180% 14181Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. 14182% 14183Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. 14184% 14185Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. 14186% 14187Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. 14188% 14189Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? 14190 14191And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? 14192 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 14193% 14194Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new 14195cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more 14196spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog. 14197 -- Bob & Ray 14198% 14199Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word 14200except in major motion pictures. 14201 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 14202% 14203Toilet Toup'ee, n.: 14204 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus 14205creating endless annoyance to male users. 14206 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 14207% 14208Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. 14209% 14210Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 14211% 14212Too clever is dumb. 14213 -- Ogden Nash 14214% 14215Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. 14216 -- Mae West 14217% 14218Too much of everything is just enough. 14219 -- Bob Wier 14220% 14221Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available 14222briefcases. 14223 -- Governor Jerry Brown 14224% 14225Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer: 14226 10) Specifications are for the weak and timid! 14227 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand! 14228 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull! 14229 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. 14230 Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality 14231 assurance people in its wake. 14232 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' 14233 - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM. 14234 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak. 14235 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code! 14236 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features 14237 are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand. 14238 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the 14239 original Klingon. 14240 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! 14241 Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are! 14242% 14243Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the 14244earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century. 14245As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help. 14246Please... 14247 14248 CONSERVE GRAVITY 14249 14250Follow these simple suggestions: 14251 14252(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible. 14253(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights. 14254(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like 14255 curling. 14256(4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead. 14257(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big 14258 pile. 14259(6) Stop flipping pancakes 14260% 14261Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. 14262% 14263Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live 14264in eucalyptus trees. 14265% 14266Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. 14267 -- Henrik Tikkanen 14268% 14269Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. 14270 -- Mark Twain 14271% 14272Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) 14273% 14274Truthful, adj.: 14275 Dumb and illiterate. 14276 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14277% 14278Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. 14279 -- Charles Schulz 14280% 14281Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. 14282% 14283Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, 14284is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written 14285in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and 14286pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), 14287defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the 14288absolutely perfect future. 14289 -- Amrom Katz 14290% 14291Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. 14292% 14293Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only 14294specification is that it should run noiselessly. 14295% 14296Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. 14297 -- Alan Watts 14298% 14299Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard. 14300% 14301Turnaucka's Law: 14302 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its 14303electrical cord. 14304% 14305Tussman's Law: 14306 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. 14307% 14308TV is chewing gum for the eyes. 14309 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 14310% 14311'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks 14312Did gyre and gimble in their cave 14313All mimsy was the CS-VAX 14314And Cory raths outgrabe. 14315 14316"Beware the software rot, my son! 14317The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! 14318Beware the broken pipe, and shun 14319The frumious system crash!" 14320% 14321 'Twas the Night before Crisis 14322 14323'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, 14324 Not a program was working not even a browse. 14325The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, 14326 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. 14327The users were nestled all snug in their beds, 14328 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. 14329When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, 14330 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. 14331And what to my wondering eyes should appear, 14332 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. 14333More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, 14334 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; 14335On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! 14336 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! 14337His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, 14338 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. 14339A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, 14340 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... 14341% 14342'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period 14343 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And 14344 throughout our place of residence, 14345Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the 14346 possessors of this potential, including that 14347 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. 14348Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward 14349 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, 14350Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an 14351 imminent visitation from an eccentric 14352 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations 14353 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... 14354% 14355Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing. 14356 -- Walt Kelly 14357% 14358Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. 14359 -- Howard Kandel 14360% 14361Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man 14362said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The 14363second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his 14364chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded 14365only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the 14366courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten. 14367If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is 14368dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and 14369must pay three silver pieces." 14370% 14371Two percent of zero is almost nothing. 14372% 14373Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory. 14374I forget the second. 14375% 14376Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. 14377% 14378U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! 14379 Run right up and rub its horn. 14380 Look at all those points you're losing! 14381 UMBER HULKS are so confusing. 14382 -- The Roguelet's ABC 14383% 14384"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex." 14385 14386(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.) 14387 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971) 14388% 14389UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. 14390% 14391"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" 14392 14393"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, 14394right?" 14395 -- MacNelley, "Shoe" 14396% 14397Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: 14398 Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a 14399hammer or get a splinter in it. 14400% 14401Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a 14402just man is also a prison. 14403% 14404Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it 14405can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ... 14406% 14407Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: 14408 Superiority is recessive. 14409% 14410Unfair animal names: 14411 14412-- tsetse fly -- bullhead 14413-- booby -- duck-billed platypus 14414-- sapsucker -- Clarence 14415 -- Gary Larson 14416% 14417United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the 14418Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of 14419all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of 14420all the patriots of every persuasion. 14421 14422Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the 14423world. 14424 -- Isaac Asimov 14425% 14426Universe, n.: 14427 The problem. 14428% 14429University, n.: 14430 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's 14431usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to 14432fix it, and ... 14433% 14434unix soit qui mal y pense 14435% 14436UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on 14437Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch). 14438 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 14439% 14440Unnamed Law: 14441 If it happens, it must be possible. 14442% 14443Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out 14444twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. 14445 -- H. L. Mencken 14446% 14447Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir 14448% 14449User n.: 14450 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. 14451% 14452USER, n.: 14453 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." 14454 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" 14455% 14456Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. 14457 -- S. C. Johnson 14458% 14459Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, 14460opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. 14461 -- Doug Larson 14462% 14463Vail's Second Axiom: 14464 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the 14465amount of work already completed. 14466% 14467Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ... 14468Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ... 14469 -- Tom Chapin 14470% 14471Van Roy's Law: 14472 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 14473% 14474Vanilla, adj.: 14475 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food, 14476very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla 14477extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply 14478"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot 14479and sour won ton soup. 14480% 14481Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 14482 (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only 14483 once. 14484 (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data 14485 points. 14486% 14487Veni, Vidi, Visa. 14488% 14489 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past 14490year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley 14491reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their 14492artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue 14493moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon 14494Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the 14495entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the 14496sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." 14497 14498 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. 14499 14500 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made 14501good copy." 14502 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 14503% 14504Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. 14505% 14506Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life." 14507Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes 14508 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it." 14509% 14510Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. 14511 -- Salvor Hardin 14512% 14513Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the 14514yard. 14515% 14516VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 14517 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to 14518 ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this 14519 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you 14520 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of 14521 that old underwear you own. 14522% 14523VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 14524 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is 14525 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and 14526 sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus 14527 drivers. 14528% 14529"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. 14530% 14531Virtue is its own punishment. 14532% 14533Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving 14534from where you left them to where you can't find them. 14535% 14536Vitamin C deficiency is apauling. 14537% 14538VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M. 14539% 14540Vote anarchist. 14541% 14542Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and 14543TAX-DEFERRED! 14544% 14545VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? 14546% 14547 14548 *** System shutdown message from root *** 14549 14550System going down in 60 seconds 14551 14552 14553% 14554Wagner's music is better than it sounds. 14555 -- Mark Twain 14556% 14557Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 145581st customer: "I'll have tea." 145592nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" 14560 (Waiter exits, returns) 14561Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" 14562% 14563Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser. 14564% 14565War hath no fury like a non-combatant. 14566 -- Charles Edward Montague 14567% 14568War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable. 14569% 14570 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: 14571 14572Firings will continue until morale improves. 14573% 14574WARNING: 14575 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your 14576mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on 14577your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war. 14578% 14579Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for 14580those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking 14581up. 14582 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83 14583% 14584Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with. 14585% 14586Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. 14587 -- John F. Kennedy 14588% 14589Waste not, get your budget cut next year. 14590% 14591Wasting time is an important part of living. 14592% 14593Watson's Law: 14594 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the 14595number and significance of any persons watching it. 14596% 14597We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which 14598divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being 14599correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough. 14600 -- Niels Bohr 14601% 14602We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. 14603 -- Oscar Wilde 14604% 14605We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. 14606 -- Winston Churchill 14607% 14608We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. 14609 -- Whole Earth Catalog 14610% 14611We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. 14612 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" 14613% 14614We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to 14615socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The 14616bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say 14617socialism? 14618 -- Fidel Castro 14619% 14620We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last theorem. 14621 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 14622% 14623We are upping our standards ... so up yours. 14624 -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988 14625% 14626We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. 14627% 14628We can predict everything, except the future. 14629% 14630We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is 14631deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead. 14632 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General 14633% 14634We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty! 14635 -- Vroomfondel 14636% 14637We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company. 14638% 14639We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a 14640fish. 14641% 14642We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the 14643hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights! 14644% 14645We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids? 14646 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission 14647% 14648We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an 14649hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down 14650mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on 14651our grave singing Haleleuia ... 14652 -- Monty Python 14653% 14654We have met the enemy, and he is us. 14655 -- Walt Kelly 14656% 14657We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get 14658back to normal, and that they already have. 14659% 14660We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his 14661hands for masturbation. 14662 -- Lily Tomlin 14663% 14664We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an 14665official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death 14666Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish 14667you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that 14668said "ELECTROCUTION". 14669 14670Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your 14671teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing 14672process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a 14673couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways 14674out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste 14675stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom 14676floor, which is how the police would find you. 14677 14678You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. 14679 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" 14680% 14681We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all 14682purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start 14683with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the 14684playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is 14685best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can 14686buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English. 14687 -- Alan M. Turing 14688% 14689We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always 14690respect their good judgement. 14691% 14692We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass 14693no matter how self-seeking. 14694 -- F. G. Withington 14695% 14696We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago 14697people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. 14698For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had 14699to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare 14700fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with 14701primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how 14702ugly paneling is to begin with. 14703 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 14704% 14705We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best 14706friends are trying to kill us. 14707% 14708 We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. 14709But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle 14710Haggard song at a French restaurant. ... 14711 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of 14712her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I 14713had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone 14714told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was 14715lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he 14716fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing 14717what men must do. ... 14718 "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible 14719sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew 14720not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a 14721quiet and peace I will never forget. 14722 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the 14723tollway belle's for thee." 14724 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was 14725a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I 14726poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. 14727 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway 14728 Competition 14729% 14730We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one 14731technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. 14732% 14733We will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, 14734we will cry over things we used to laugh & 14735our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile 14736creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & 14737in the end a summer with wild winds & 14738new friends will be. 14739% 14740We wish you a Hare Krishna 14741We wish you a Hare Krishna 14742We wish you a Hare Krishna 14743And a Sun Myung Moon! 14744 -- Maxwell Smart 14745% 14746We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later. 14747% 14748We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from 14749the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging 14750you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right 14751in his bowl full of jelly. 14752 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 14753% 14754We're only in it for the volume. 14755 -- Black Sabbath 14756% 14757We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center 14758of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, 14759but for some reason nobody's ever done it. 14760 -- Andy Rooney 14761% 14762Weiler's Law: 14763 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 14764% 14765Weinberg's First Law: 14766 Progress is made on alternate Fridays. 14767% 14768Weinberg's Principle: 14769 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while 14770sweeping on to the grand fallacy. 14771% 14772Weinberg's Second Law: 14773 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, 14774then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. 14775% 14776Weiner's Law of Libraries: 14777 There are no answers, only cross references. 14778% 14779Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if 14780you run out of food. 14781 -- Dean McLaughlin 14782% 14783Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a 14784lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a 14785governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the 14786reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top 14787contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men 14788will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the 14789most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and 14790appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday 14791morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit 14792interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a 14793guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through 14794the entire show without answering a single question ... 14795 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 14796% 14797Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them 14798back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, 14799or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they 14800they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. 14801 -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile 14802% 14803Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* 14804you believe?! 14805 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] 14806% 14807Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, 14808 And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; 14809I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, 14810 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 14811 14812If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, 14813 Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, 14814'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. 14815 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 14816 14817On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, 14818 But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. 14819Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, 14820 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 14821 -- Core Dumped Blues 14822% 14823"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?" 14824 14825"Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ... 14826coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero." 14827 -- Dr. Who 14828% 14829"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is 14830no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five 14831hundred." 14832 -- The Mahabharata 14833% 14834Westheimer's Discovery: 14835 A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a 14836couple of hours in the library. 14837% 14838Wethern's Law: 14839 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 14840% 14841"What are we going to do?" 14842 14843"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for 14844something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a 14845short initiation period." 14846% 14847"What are you doing?" 14848 14849"Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something 14850that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short 14851initiation period." 14852% 14853What color is a chameleon on a mirror? 14854% 14855 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty 14856teenager asked her mother. 14857 "Encouragement, dear," she replied. 14858% 14859What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"? 14860% 14861What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? 14862% 14863What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. 14864% 14865What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. 14866% 14867What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so 14868that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our 14869country. Nice try anyway, George. 14870 -- D. J. on KSFO/KYA 14871% 14872What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the 14873entrance? 14874% 14875What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow 14876in his footsteps? 14877% 14878What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower 14879stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed 14880barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character 14881from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of 14882while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our 14883dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up 14884powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the 14885bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any 14886one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact 14887lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where 14888you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah", 14889if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with 14890that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it; 14891they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to 14892flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. 14893 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 14894% 14895What I tell you three times is true. 14896% 14897What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty- 14898sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up 14899with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always 14900came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at 14901parties. 14902 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 14903% 14904What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. 14905% 14906What I've done, of course, is total garbage. 14907 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a 14908% 14909What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I 14910definitely overpaid for my carpet. 14911 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 14912% 14913What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's 14914worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? 14915 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 14916% 14917What is a magician but a practicing theorist? 14918 -- Obi-Wan Kenobi 14919% 14920What is mind? No matter. 14921What is matter? Never mind. 14922 -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 14923% 14924What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern 14925computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest 14926and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak. 14927% 14928"What is the Nature of God?" 14929 14930 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!= 14931 1 QT. SOUR CREAM 14932 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT 14933 1/2 CUT CHIVES. 14934 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS. 14935 14936"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..." 14937 -- Bloom County 14938% 14939What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank? 14940 -- Bertolt Brecht 14941% 14942What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, 14943which is the exact opposite. 14944 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928 14945% 14946What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. 14947% 14948What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing 14949to compare it with. 14950% 14951What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. 14952It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books 14953and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes 14954and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes, 14955women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate 14956mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige 14957and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort." 14958 -- Susan Gordon 14959% 14960What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? 14961 -- Ursula K. LeGuin 14962% 14963What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. 14964% 14965What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. 14966% 14967What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener. 14968% 14969What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. 14970% 14971What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! 14972% 14973What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. 14974% 14975What this country needs is a good five cent nickel. 14976% 14977What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon. 14978% 14979What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon. 14980% 14981What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? 14982 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 14983% 14984What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which 14985nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday 14986Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space- 14987launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just 14988remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual 14989process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still 14990be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed. 14991 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 14992% 14993What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it. 14994% 14995What's another word for Thesaurus? 14996 -- Steven Wright 14997% 14998 "What's that thing?" 14999 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in 15000computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what 15001it does. We call it a two-by-four." 15002 -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe" 15003% 15004What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it? 15005 -- Dr. Who 15006% 15007Whatever became of eternal truth? 15008% 15009Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for 15010cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils 15011as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding 15012hundred dollar bills." 15013 -- Herb Caen 15014% 15015Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not 15016nailed down. 15017 -- Collis P. Huntingdon 15018% 15019Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches! 15020 -- Mom 15021% 15022When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the 15023money is. 15024 -- Robespierre 15025% 15026When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the 15027thing," it's the money. 15028 -- Kim Hubbard 15029% 15030When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half 15031loop? 15032% 15033When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is 15034not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space 15035travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. 15036 -- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" 15037% 15038When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the 15039sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain 15040relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. 15041 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 15042% 15043When all other means of communication fail, try words. 15044% 15045When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo 15046tactics *with* Gestapo tactics? 15047 -- Reuben Flagg 15048% 15049When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before 15050the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours." 15051 -- Vine Deloria, Jr. 15052% 15053When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I 15054think it was a Tuesday. 15055% 15056When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to 15057guarantee them. 15058% 15059When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great 15060parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if 15061I'm leaving. 15062 -- Steven Wright 15063% 15064When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a 15065year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire 15066winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. 15067 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 15068% 15069When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young 15070ladies, and, of course, the goat. 15071% 15072When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now 15073I'm beginning to believe it. 15074 -- Clarence Darrow 15075% 15076When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you 15077take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come 15078and get you." 15079 -- Jerry Lewis 15080% 15081When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any 15082firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?' 15083 -- Steven Wright 15084% 15085When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into 15086the soul of the boy sitting next to me. 15087 -- Woody Allen 15088% 15089When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an 15090act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A 15091group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a 15092six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things 15093together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ... 15094Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective 15095responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military 15096establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have 15097been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things 15098together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. 15099 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" 15100% 15101When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened 15102or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I 15103cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to 15104go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. 15105 -- Mark Twain 15106% 15107When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. 15108% 15109When in doubt, tell the truth. 15110 -- Mark Twain 15111% 15112When in doubt, use brute force. 15113 -- Ken Thompson 15114% 15115When in panic, fear and doubt, 15116Drink in barrels, eat, and shout. 15117% 15118When love is gone, there's always justice. 15119And when justice is gone, there's always force. 15120And when force is gone, there's always Mom. 15121Hi, Mom! 15122 -- Laurie Anderson 15123% 15124When Marriage is Outlawed, 15125Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. 15126% 15127When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment 15128results. 15129 -- Calvin Coolidge 15130% 15131When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony 15132concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- 15133and I find I mind it less and less." 15134 -- Louise Andrews Kent 15135% 15136When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: 15137for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when 15138your boss is away and you get twice as much done. 15139 -- Daniel B. Luten 15140% 15141When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only 15142say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. 15143% 15144When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical. 15145 -- Jon Carroll 15146% 15147When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you 15148modify the problem, not the remedy. 15149% 15150When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, 15151the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a 15152nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that. 15153 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 15154% 15155When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is 15156metaphysics. 15157 -- Voltaire 15158% 15159When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the 15160stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them 15161from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones 15162were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the 15163corners as bodies of a lower grade ... 15164 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 15165% 15166When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the 15167plane will fly. 15168 -- Donald Douglas 15169% 15170When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most 15171insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are 15172required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and 15173exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. 15174 -- George Bernard Shaw 15175% 15176When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is 15177not hereditary. 15178 -- Thomas Paine 15179% 15180When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- 15181except our fingertips will have been singed. 15182 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 15183% 15184When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of 15185investigation of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, 15186so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or 15187swayed, directly to the goal. 15188 -- Amrom Katz 15189% 15190When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. 15191% 15192When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly. 15193% 15194When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. 15195 -- Harry S. Truman 15196% 15197 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure 15198clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer 15199to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. 15200 In a way, the next move is up to him. 15201 -- R. A. Lafferty 15202% 15203When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite." 15204 -- Winston Churchill, On formal declarations of war 15205% 15206When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by 15207asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't 15208know the answer either. 15209 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 15210% 15211When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. 15212 -- The Wall Street Journal 15213% 15214When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the 15215impression you will make. 15216% 15217When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, 15218Wretched, bored, dejected; only 15219Here's the rub, my darling dear 15220I feel the same when you are near. 15221 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away" 15222% 15223When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. 15224% 15225Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". 15226 -- Dave Parnas 15227% 15228Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to 15229see it tried on him personally. 15230 -- A. Lincoln 15231% 15232Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. 15233 -- Oscar Wilde 15234% 15235Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last 15236you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his 15237Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. 15238 -- Mark Twain 15239 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" 15240% 15241Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time 15242to reform. 15243 -- Mark Twain 15244% 15245WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE 15246 15247 Oh, dear, where can the matter be 15248 When it's converted to energy? 15249 There is a slight loss of parity. 15250 Johnny's so long at the fair. 15251% 15252Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what 15253is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. 15254 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 15255% 15256Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. 15257% 15258Whether you can hear it or not 15259The Universe is laughing behind your back 15260 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 15261% 15262Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? 15263% 15264While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is 15265admission to someone else. 15266% 15267While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, 15268The fate of empires and the fall of kings; 15269While quacks of State must each produce his plan, 15270And even children lisp the Rights of Man; 15271Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, 15272The Rights of Woman merit some attention. 15273 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 15274 November 26, 1792 15275% 15276While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several. 15277% 15278While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't 15279keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. 15280 -- Edward Stevenson 15281% 15282While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own 15283form of misery. 15284% 15285While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. 15286% 15287While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their 15288correctness never does. 15289% 15290While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very 15291reassuring to know that it's still there. 15292% 15293While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are 15294safe, for you can watch both of his. 15295 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15296% 15297Whistler's Law: 15298 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in 15299charge. 15300% 15301Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new 15302Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ... 15303% 15304Who made the world I cannot tell; 15305'Tis made, and here am I in hell. 15306My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, 15307I never soiled with such a deed. 15308 -- A. E. Housman 15309% 15310Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot? 15311% 15312Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? 15313% 15314Who's on first? 15315% 15316"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. 15317 -- George Ade 15318% 15319Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. 15320% 15321Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising. 15322% 15323Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could 15324have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing. 15325 -- Ian Shoales 15326% 15327Why be a man when you can be a success? 15328 -- Bertolt Brecht 15329% 15330Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we 15331have? 15332% 15333Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else? 15334% 15335Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to 15336avoid responsibility with? 15337% 15338Why did the Roman Empire collapse? 15339What is the Latin for office automation? 15340% 15341Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with. 15342% 15343Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently 15344there must be a beverage. 15345 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 15346% 15347Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have 15348more lawyers? 15349 15350New Jersey had first choice. 15351% 15352Why don't elephants eat penguins ? 15353 15354Because they can't get the wrappers off ... 15355% 15356Why I Can't Go Out With You: 15357 15358I'd LOVE to, but ... 15359 -- I have to floss my cat. 15360 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. 15361 -- I need to spend more time with my blender. 15362 -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 15363 -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish. 15364 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. 15365 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 15366 -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. 15367 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 15368 -- I have some really hard words to look up. 15369 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. 15370 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 15371% 15372Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is 15373because we are not the person involved 15374 -- Mark Twain 15375% 15376Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 15377% 15378Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? 15379 -- Lily Tomlin 15380% 15381Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love 15382you knowing nothing? 15383 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions 15384% 15385Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? 15386Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your 15387children open their old-fashioned presents. 15388 15389Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?" 15390 15391You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it 15392 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!" 15393 15394Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer 15395 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, 15396 and I get this cretin TOP?" 15397 15398Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this." 15399 15400You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!" 15401 15402Daughter: "It looks like goat barf." 15403 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 15404% 15405Why was I born with such contemporaries? 15406 -- Oscar Wilde 15407% 15408Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office: 15409 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee, 15410when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your 15411direction, and almost none will be returned to the source. 15412 -- John L. Shelton 15413% 15414Wiker's Law: 15415 Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. 15416% 15417 William Safire's Rules for Writers: 15418 15419Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never 15420be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to 15421agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words 15422out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal 15423of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must 15424not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a 15425conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a 15426sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as 15427close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more 15428words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles 15429must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a 15430linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing 15431metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should 15432be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their 15433writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows 15434the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek 15435viable alternatives. 15436% 15437Williams and Holland's Law: 15438 If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by 15439statistical methods. 15440% 15441Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as 15442it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. 15443% 15444Wit, n.: 15445 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery 15446... by leaving it out. 15447 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15448% 15449With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I 15450try to be a fraud and a half. 15451 -- Otto von Bismark 15452% 15453With a rubber duck, one's never alone. 15454 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 15455% 15456With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once 15457build a nuclear balm? 15458% 15459With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand 15460miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and 15461still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no 15462such thing as progress. 15463 -- Ransom K. Ferm 15464% 15465With trembling hands he unfurled the ancient cracked parchment, 15466this was the place, it had to be. Uncertainly he began to mumble the 15467chant "rdbms, sql, third normal formal form, java, table, scalable". 15468Something moved... From outside they heard a scream and a thud. 15469The sales department had awoken. 15470% 15471Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. 15472% 15473Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection: 15474 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it. 15475 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete. 15476 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2) 15477 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a 15478 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator. 15479 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless. 15480 -- Rich Kulawiec 15481% 15482Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If 15483you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut 15484down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that 15485tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with 15486long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit 15487there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you 15488come back. 15489 15490Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, 15491when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. 15492Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the 15493cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood 15494heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately 15495beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, 15496and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, 15497although their insurance rates went way up. 15498 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 15499% 15500Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation): 15501 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage 15502any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you 15503should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, 15504and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we 15505bargained for. 15506% 15507Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs. 15508% 15509World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced 15510dress code! 15511% 15512Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: 15513 August. The lines are the shortest, though. 15514 -- Steve Rubenstein 15515% 15516Worst Month of the Year: 15517 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if 15518you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't 15519get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. 15520 -- Steve Rubenstein 15521% 15522Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985: 15523 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved 15524in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs 15525damage my videotapes?" 15526% 15527Worst Vegetable of the Year: 15528 The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next 15529year. 15530 -- Steve Rubenstein 15531% 15532"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" 15533 15534"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. 15535 -- Lewis Carroll 15536% 15537Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish 15538and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer 15539if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and 15540and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and 15541and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips? 15542% 15543Write-Protect Tab, n.: 15544 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly 15545left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error 15546message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the 15547momentary inconvenience. 15548 -- Robb Russon 15549% 15550Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. 15551 -- Frank Zappa 15552% 15553"Wrong," said Renner. 15554 15555"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with 15556the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'" 15557% 15558X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing they leave to the 15559imagination is the plot. 15560% 15561Xerox does it again and again and again and ... 15562% 15563Xerox never comes up with anything original. 15564% 15565XIIdigitation, n.: 15566 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made 15567by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits. 15568 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 15569% 15570"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have 15571goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in 15572their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating 15573unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my 15574doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. 15575 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" 15576% 15577Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall 15578fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic 15579operators together. 15580 -- Steve Higgins 15581% 15582Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context. 15583% 15584Year, n.: 15585 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. 15586 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15587% 15588Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. 15589% 15590Yes, but which self do you want to be? 15591% 15592Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. 15593Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. 15594Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. 15595 -- Snoopy 15596% 15597Yesterday upon the stair 15598I met a man who wasn't there. 15599He wasn't there again today -- 15600I think he's from the CIA. 15601% 15602Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. 15603 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 15604% 15605Yinkel, n.: 15606 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one 15607will notice. 15608 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 15609% 15610You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are. 15611% 15612You are here: 15613 *** 15614 *** 15615 ********* 15616 ******* 15617 ***** 15618 *** 15619 * 15620 15621 But you're not all there. 15622% 15623"You are old, Father William," the young man said, 15624 "All your papers these days look the same; 15625Those William's would be better unread -- 15626 Do these facts never fill you with shame?" 15627 15628"In my youth," Father William replied to his son, 15629 "I wrote wonderful papers galore; 15630But the great reputation I found that I'd won, 15631 Made it pointless to think any more." 15632% 15633"You are old, father William," the young man said, 15634 "And your hair has become very white; 15635And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- 15636 Do you think, at your age, it is right?" 15637 15638"In my youth," father William replied to his son, 15639 "I feared it might injure the brain; 15640But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, 15641 Why, I do it again and again." 15642 -- Lewis Carroll 15643% 15644"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers 15645 That your lectures bore people to death. 15646Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- 15647 Don't you think that you should save your breath?" 15648 15649"I have answered three questions and that is enough," 15650 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs! 15651Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 15652 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!" 15653% 15654"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak 15655 For anything tougher than suet; 15656Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- 15657 Pray, how did you manage to do it?" 15658 15659"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, 15660 And argued each case with my wife; 15661And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, 15662 Has lasted the rest of my life." 15663 -- Lewis Carroll 15664% 15665"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, 15666 And there isn't one language you like; 15667Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- 15668 Have you thought about taking a hike?" 15669 15670"Since I never write programs," his father replied, 15671 "Every language looks equally bad; 15672Yet the people keep paying to read all my books 15673 And don't realize that they've been had." 15674% 15675"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 15676 And have grown most uncommonly fat; 15677Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- 15678 Pray what is the reason of that?" 15679 15680"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, 15681 "I kept all my limbs very supple 15682By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- 15683 Allow me to sell you a couple?" 15684 -- Lewis Carroll 15685% 15686"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 15687 And make errors few people could bear; 15688You complain about everyone's English but yours -- 15689 Do you really think this is quite fair?" 15690 15691"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, 15692 "But my stature these days is so great 15693That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared, 15694 And to stop me it's now far too late." 15695% 15696"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose 15697 That your eye was as steady as ever; 15698Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- 15699 What made you so awfully clever?" 15700 15701"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," 15702 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! 15703Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 15704 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" 15705 -- Lewis Carroll 15706% 15707You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. 15708% 15709You are the only person to ever get this message. 15710% 15711You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading 15712this sort of trash. 15713% 15714You buttered your bread, now lie in it! 15715% 15716You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting 15717incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. 15718Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable 15719to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because 15720nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes 15721they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; 15722some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. 15723 15724The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then 15725pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear 15726safety glasses. 15727 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 15728% 15729You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 15730doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. 15731 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182 15732% 15733You can create your own opportunities this week. 15734Blackmail a senior executive. 15735% 15736You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. 15737Why do you find that funny? 15738 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington 15739% 15740You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you 15741can with just a kind word. 15742 -- Bumper Sticker 15743% 15744You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, 15745for instance. 15746 -- Franklin P. Jones 15747% 15748You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. 15749% 15750You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on 15751the continuing viability of FORTRAN. 15752 -- Alan Perlis 15753% 15754You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. 15755% 15756You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding 15757decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left 15758over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. 15759 -- F. Allen 15760% 15761You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of 15762supercomputers. 15763 -- Steven Feiner 15764% 15765You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. 15766% 15767You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename. 15768 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 15769% 15770You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. 15771% 15772You can't have everything. Where would you put it? 15773 -- Steven Wright 15774% 15775You can't hold a man down without staying down with him. 15776 -- Booker T. Washington 15777% 15778You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. 15779% 15780You can't make a program without broken egos. 15781% 15782You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic 15783enough worrying about what's happening now. 15784 -- Lauren Bacall 15785% 15786You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten. 15787 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and 15788 Over and Over" 15789% 15790You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't. 15791 -- Dagwood Bumstead 15792% 15793You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. 15794% 15795You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. 15796% 15797You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. 15798% 15799You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first 15800and last month in advance. 15801% 15802You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable 15803doubt. 15804 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict 15805% 15806You do not have mail. 15807% 15808You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. 15809 -- J. D. Salinger 15810% 15811You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting 15812needles. 15813 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food 15814% 15815You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. 15816The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", 15817which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears 15818tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last 15819names. Here's the complete text: 15820 15821 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT) 15822 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT) 15823 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to 15824 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF 15825 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) 15826 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way 15827 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST 15828 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!" 15829 15830The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your 15831money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long 15832form. 15833 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 15834% 15835You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. 15836% 15837You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More-- 15838 15839This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More-- 15840 15841You are permanently confused. 15842 -- Dave Decot 15843% 15844You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to 15845metal objects which are not fastened down. 15846% 15847You have junk mail. 15848% 15849You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets 15850wrinkled. 15851% 15852You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today. 15853% 15854You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes 15855you wore home from the party and there aren't any. 15856% 15857You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens 15858anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night, 15859you can always change the channel. 15860 -- Jim Ignatowski 15861% 15862You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo. 15863 -- S. Rickly Christian 15864% 15865You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car. 15866 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82 15867% 15868You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your 15869friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it. 15870% 15871You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. 15872% 15873 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon 15874airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in 15875deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me 15876when I was young!" 15877 "Why, what did she tell you?" 15878 "I don't know, I didn't listen!" 15879 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 15880% 15881You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled. 15882% 15883You may be recognized soon. Hide. 15884% 15885You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he 15886is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing. 15887 -- Sydney Harris 15888% 15889You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with 15890him. 15891 -- Ed Howe 15892% 15893You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. 15894 -- Alfred Kahn 15895% 15896You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for 15897success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits 15898or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume 15899party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. 15900 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" 15901% 15902You might have mail. 15903% 15904You might have had mail. 15905% 15906You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable 15907proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do. 15908% 15909You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll 15910be dead. 15911% 15912You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a 15913reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating 15914the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for 15915independence. 15916 -- Charles A. Beard 15917% 15918You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the 15919beach. 15920% 15921You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were 15922you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare 15923yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the 15924company. 15925 -- J. Wellington Wells 15926% 15927You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. 15928% 15929You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could 15930know how seldom they do. 15931 -- Olin Miller 15932% 15933You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially 15934if they are dead. 15935% 15936You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than 15937about 10^12 to 1. 15938 -- Ernest Rutherford 15939% 15940You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for 15941freedom and liberty. 15942 -- Henrik Ibsen 15943% 15944You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, 15945contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from 15946houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many 15947scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the 15948summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, 15949you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist 15950sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily. 15951 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 15952% 15953You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, 15954another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and 15955another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms 15956such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In 15957many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money. 15958If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you 15959should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate 15960for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it 15961because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially 15962chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit. 15963 15964In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his 15965hemorrhoids. 15966 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 15967% 15968You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a 15969plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture. 15970 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia 15971% 15972You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother. 15973% 15974 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF 15975 PAPER SHUFFLING! 15976 15977Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be 15978a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel 15979really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." 15980 15981Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward 15982to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and 15983make really big Zorkmids." 15984 15985MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when 15986you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. 15987 15988 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! 15989% 15990You too can wear a nose mitten. 15991% 15992You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. 15993% 15994You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of 15995a lion, and the face of Donald Duck. 15996% 15997You will be surprised by a loud noise. 15998% 15999You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. 16000% 16001You will feel hungry again in another hour. 16002% 16003You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door 16004mayonnaise salesman. 16005% 16006 You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the 16007Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the 16008parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. 16009 -- Sherlock Holmes 16010% 16011You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes. 16012% 16013You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to 16014worry. 16015% 16016You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a 16017taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a 16018minute and a huff. 16019 -- Groucho Marx 16020% 16021You'll never be the man your mother was! 16022% 16023You're at the end of the road again. 16024% 16025You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. 16026% 16027You're never too old to become younger. 16028 -- Mae West 16029% 16030You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. 16031 -- Dean Martin 16032% 16033You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!! 16034% 16035You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. 16036% 16037You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks. 16038 -- Gary Giddens 16039% 16040"You've got to think about tomorrow!" 16041 16042"TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!" 16043% 16044Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a 16045thing he tells you. 16046% 16047Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you 16048from enjoying it. 16049% 16050Your fault: core dumped 16051% 16052 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that 16053bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a 16054chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home 16055electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit 16056breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires 16057until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can 16058damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change 16059your fuses regularly. 16060 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This 16061sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more 16062often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case 16063you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not 16064sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a 16065fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed 16066electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession, 16067such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette 16068table, etc. 16069 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 16070% 16071Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. 16072% 16073Your lucky color has faded. 16074% 16075Your lucky number has been disconnected. 16076% 16077Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. 16078% 16079Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. 16080% 16081Yow! Am I having fun yet? 16082 -- Zippy the Pinhead 16083% 16084YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL! 16085% 16086Zero Defects, n.: 16087 The result of shutting down a production line. 16088% 16089Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words 16090since I first called my brother's father dad. 16091 -- William Shakespeare, "King John" 16092% 16093Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: 16094 People are always available for work in the past tense. 16095% 16096 THE LAST BUG 16097 16098"But you're out of your mind," It still wasn't perfect, 16099They said with a shrug. As year followed year, 16100"The customer's happy; And strangers would comment, 16101What's one little bug?" "Is that guy still here?" 16102 16103But he was determined. He died at the console, 16104The others went home. Of hunger and thirst. 16105He spread out the program, Next day he was buried, 16106Deserted, alone. Face down, nine-edge first. 16107 16108The cleaning men came, And the last bug in sight, 16109The whole room was cluttered An ant passing by, 16110With memory-dumps, punch cards. Saluted his tombstone, 16111"I'm close," he muttered. And whispered, "Nice try." 16112 16113The mumbling got louder, 16114Simple deduction, 16115"I've got it, it's right, 16116Just change one instruction." 16117% 16118Speaking of the philosophy involved in moving humanity into space: 16119 16120Furniture will be a largely obsolete concept. Take for example the dresser my 16121mom bought for me when I was a kid. I still have it, and by the standards of 16122its era, it's an admirable household fixture. It is a massive construction of 16123maple wood, expertly joined with cunningly fit pieces, fitted and glued with 16124the strength of iron. It is set with massive brass fixtures, and looks today 16125-- discounting the dust -- as new as the day it was purchased, a quarter 16126century ago. So far, so good; a fine piece of furniture, you might say. But 16127let's look at it objectively, as a machine, as an object with a purpose. Here 16128sit a hundred pounds of hardwood with a compressive strength of 1500 psi, 16129jointed by an expert craftsman into a rigid box that would easily support a 16130bull elephant. And what is the sole purpose of this massive crate, this 16131monument to a dead tree? -- it holds my socks. 16132 16133Not only is it blind engineering overkill of epic proportions, it is also an 16134environmental disaster. The home to generations of squirrels, a sentinel post 16135for falcons, an autumnal banner of golden glory, a living creature, was chopped 16136down to enshrine some underwear. This, my friends, is no way to run a planet. 16137 -- Marshall T. Savage, from The Millennial Project: 16138 Colonizing the Galaxy -- In Eight Easy Steps 16139% 16140Nearly every software professional has heard the term spaghetti code as a 16141pejorative description for complicated, difficult to understand, and impossible 16142to maintain, software. However, many people may not know the other two 16143elements of the complete Pasta Theory of Software. 16144 16145Lasagna code is used to describe software that has a simple, understandable, 16146and layered structure. Lasagna code, although structured, is unfortunately 16147monolithic and not easy to modify. An attempt to change one layer conceptually 16148simple, is often very difficult in actual practice. 16149 16150The ideal software structure is one having components that are small and 16151loosely coupled; this ideal structure is called ravioli code. In ravioli 16152code, each of the components, or objects, is a package containing some meat 16153or other nourishment for the system; any component can be modified or replaced 16154without significantly affecting other components. 16155 16156We need to go beyond the condemnation of spaghetti code to the active 16157encouragement of ravioli code. 16158 -- Raymond J. Rubey, in a letter to the editor of Crosstalk 16159 magazine 16160% 1616163,000 bugs in the code, 63,000 bugs, 16162ya get 1 whacked with a service pack, 16163now there's 63,005 bugs in the code!! 16164